What am I feeling?

This is a question I have been asking myself the past 2 days -
I am at a loss right now kinda in limbo- at times feeling numb or nothing at all-
I feel at peace with the decision I made- I can not hold him right now and rock him to sleep ( I do that) I can not sit with him on his bed and hold him and rub his fuzzy head and sing to him like I do everynight- I am feeling sad-
Yes I rock my 7 year old he missed out when he was younger and I do that- and it is okay to do that I think
What am I feeling- lonely - not alone- but lonely-I know there are people there for me and they have been fabulous from the Tobias household- to my sister to Pastors Larry and Deanna- to Cathy and Pastor T and Bernie. The words they say - and even the words they do not say mean so much.
I feel like I have lost the Marcus I know some loss of him is good - Yesterday broke my heart
tonight I feel a little better
I gave him a card- he smiled when he read it this is what I wrote
on the front- Marcus I love you
inside- I love you- you are special I am praying for you and thingking about every moment of the day.
On the bottom inside-
I love you more then the sun and the stars in the sky- I love you yesterday today and forever ( We sing this together)
Tonight when I saw him he ran up to me and hugged me so tight. I am so glad- I was hoping he will forgive me for placing him there.