Thursday, June 2, 2016

But God....

The title says it all- the reason why I am telling you all this is all because of God. Let me back up to February 2015 - and yes I asked Marcus' permission to tell our story of the last year.

So lets take it back over a year ago.
Marcus was beginning to spiral out of control in anger -defiance - oppositional defiance- suffering from PTSD and not really dealing with 7th grade bullies as he should have sooner. We began or he began attending group therapy in Clearwater 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time- for 6 weeks- well in the course of 6 weeks going. he got out of it good snacks and in the course of this time frame. 

 During that time frame he got angry at me one night- i was at a board meeting and he decided to curse out his uncle and stay outside at the church- well little did we know he carved his name over 3 times in 3 different spots with hearts and all on my brand new car- vandalism over 1000 dollars in damage- the police were called- they said he could be arrested but because of the juvenile system i would have to come get him- if i did not it would be a charge of neglect for me, oh my word- so to this day he still is paying me back for the damage- anytime he gets money I get half until its paid off.

 a few weeks later a day before my birthday he was baker acted why.....

well he was shutting down at the house- he would not talk he would not communicate he even locked himself in the bathroom- his coach- mentor - tpd officer- came by just to check on him. he would not talk with him either. and who knew what he was doing in there so i had to call 911- yes i had to call 911 on my son. I gave Marcus a chance to say he needed to go. I even spoke with the sheriff officer and briefed her on the history of Marcus. She did not listen well to me- Even Marcus' coach spoke to her professionally and said it would be best if you listened to his mom. nope- she went upstairs and spoke with him he said he would go- in the course of all this his uncle and aunt showed up- he said he was not going and in the kitchen on the floor he told his uncle he would go- i was going to drive him. Marcus had tennis shoes on- i should have suspected something. not even 2 seconds out the door he took off running. The sheriff officer did too and his coach heard her call for back up- meanwhile coach and uncle took off looking for him. Aunt and i stood by the house listening- siren after siren came. 8 or 9 sheriff cars came one k-9 unit. to search for a 14 year old on the run. Fortunately he ran into uncle and coach before the sheriff got a hold of him. BUT GOD.... you see Marcus a 14 year old African American teenager on the run- a day before a teen ager was shot because he was on the run- I am thankful his coach and uncle were there. He is coach was the one who handcuffed him- he told me later that was the hardest thing he has had to do- Marcus and I are like family to him. He was placed in the back of a sheriff car and the female officer who came - told me he was now being baker acted - she said it as she was huffing and puffing for air. Hey I forwarned her.

He was there a week- stabilizing out- He did ok- but still not right- that was beginning of March-

He lost his privileges - and was working towards earning things back- however something was not quite right.

May 20th my world crumbled once again- i was never the same from this day forward. what happened that day changed our world for 6 months- he had lost his phone usage at night for a while and new it. every night i would get it- but this night something triggered and out of explosion Marcus- he came unglued and cornered me upstairs demanding his phone- i tried to get in my room but he would not allow it- he jumped on my back upstairs i got him off and he proceeded to go downstairs where he proceeded to do it again- i called his coach he was coming over i needed help- (we had just left him at Tijuana flats). he was holding me from behind- i called 911 again as he was attacking me- he bit my wrist ( i ended up having bruises on my arm, bite mark and a sprained wrist). You asked how can this be - sweet Marcus- oh yes but anger and aggression and adrenaline comes out. he snapped he admitted it later. I had to elbow him to get off in which he landed on the ground - meanwhile yelling abuse- all while 911 stayed on the phone mostly (thank you Sprint.... Not- it dropped the call several times)
Coach showed up - Marcus locked himself in the house- i locked myself int he car- stayed there until Sheriff showed up- Marcus came out yelling she hit me- i said yes i did to get him off my back- 
they said young man we will talk to you in a minute go inside- they took pictures of my bite marks- coach spoke with sheriff again- they saw the car as i had not had it fixed as of yet.
they went inside and spoke with him- they came out and handcuffed him and placed him in the back of the car. this time not going to the crisis center but to juvenile detention and the pasco jail. yes i sent my son to jail- he was charged with domestic battery and was placed on probation- he stayed the night in jail. 
I had to pick him up I was like are you kidding he just came after me- they are like yes- i was like oh my word- thankful his uncle went with me as i did not want to be alone with my own son.
BUT GOD... there is a place called the RAP house in New Port Richey- Short term no more then a month for run aways and those charged with domestic battery. Well, God intervened - as we waited for the next step - Residential once again- breaking my heart through all of this - of God I can not handle this anymore- AS God said you trusted me before when he went trust me again. Marcus was not at the RAP house 1 month but 3 months. They said they would work with us as i was involved with all aspects of his therapy and that the situation was unique-
Probation for him was a joke- he was lucky- I had to tell the probation officer he waited to the last minute to get all his stuff done- and they did not even read his essays- oh my now i know how the system works.
He was at the RAP house- until August 2015. of which he was able to get approved for Residential and because I had called and visited the place and he had been there before admissions bumped him up from 3rd on the list to 1st BUT God... he would not have gone until October- 
August to November 2015- he was in residential once again- God intervened on several occasions- from getting him in there to having an amazing christian counselor that saw through Marcus- saw how much he loved me and i loved him- how much disrespect he had shown me and said he needed to fly right- She was African American- she told him straight up this lady loves you so much and you are messing this up. We talked about God in the sessions , Marcus began reading his bible again- he set the example there. Our sessions were not always easy- i ended a few of them early as we were not getting anywhere- ( I drove each week to sessions to bradenton - oh yes he was 80 miles away from me)
3 months into the program he was done he was showing no aggression at home visits and there was nothing they could do more for him- i was like very reluctant to bring him home- it was 6 months since he was home and when he left it was on an aggressive behavior after me.
BUT GOD... he came home and has been a different child - he came home November 20th- 2 days after we would have celebrated our 10 year familiversary. 10 years ago this boy came into my life- God knew his past he knew we needed each other- He knew what the obstacles would be.
BUT GOD... has a plan - Marcus is on honor roll- striving for straight As not me but him doing it- he does devotionals on his own- we talk a lot- we play catch with the football and he opens up- yes I play catch with my son and love it- He is playing football for school - doing well with it- oh he is a typical young man and can be a typical obnoxious teenager BUT GoD..

He has been flexible during sometime this past month when I was working through somethings on me- he cares so much and wants me to be ok- I had to got to the ER about 3 weeks ago- he was very concerned- got me a card in which it made me cry- he has a tender heart a servants heart

We recently were discharged from weekly therapy and he said he wanted to continue therapy monthly just to be proactive- his therapist said we are done he has it you have it-you all are an amazing family- I say BUT GOD... if He had not been in it all where would we be today-

He placed the people in our lives for such a time- he mapped it all out- did i know it then oh my no - now i do now i see it.
Marcus is a gift in which I treasure- he makes me laugh he makes me a better mom- a better person. he can be a challenge but he is worth it.
If you can touch the life of one you will touch the life of many.

Friday, October 2, 2015

day to day week to week

i know things have been rocky with M and I but please dont mess with my young man- or this momma may come unglued- he is growing and trusting God and seeking Him right now- I am so proud of him

tuesday at session I could sense or see something was wrong- it took him a bit to open up but when he did oh my - my heart sunk- he was being targeted by one of the kids a 17 year old- from messing up his bead project to having a desk and book thrown at him- but with all that- he kept his anger in check- no retaliation just him crying - hmmm i cry when i get angry too- wow-
he got everything out and his whole countenance changed-  so thankful he is slowly learning to open up and its ok to do so- Mom is learning too

but it gets better- not- so I get a phone call wednesday marcus got punched in the face- by who the same kid who did all he did the day before- ugh- and i am 80 miles away- i just wanted to go hug him- but i could not- so i spoke to him twice that day to make sure he was ok- he was no blood no broken teeth-  i was like dont mess with my son please dont you dont want ugly michele come out. LOL

anyway here are some pictures of us I love them- Rachael Ann Rice Photography took them. You can see more of her work at

Saturday, September 26, 2015

What Ive been through....

I don't know how many of you have gone through what I have gone over the last 10 years but it has been a learning curve to say the least.
Marcus has had a rough road and I've been hanging on by a thread at times. The pain of having to leave him each week - sometimes twice a week can be overwhelming at times- a momma's heart breaks each time, but we get through -
He has grown and matured over the last several weeks. Yet with that said we have much to dive into and working through it-
I miss him more then I could have ever imagined- he is a good kid - has a good heart.
So proud of him for straight As, reading his Bible daily, reading a devotional book daily and being a light to the other kids in the facility- he is on a mission field :)

Monday, September 21, 2015

My how things change

January 2014 I decided to make a change of how I ate and what I ate- gave up sweets and soda
dont get me wrong I love both just dont eat as much anymore- and well

Here are the results

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Update on us

we have been in residential for a little over a month and God has graced us with an amazing therapist- a christian therapist at that- 
we have had good sessions and not so good sessions- but he is opening up slowly and showing more appreciation towards me at the last visit i had with him

We went to church last week together for the first time in 4 months- i enjoyed it so much

i miss him a lot but know he is where he needs to be- for me some days are harder then others and it can be overly emotional at times. 

i've learned quite a bit over the last month or so and am working through some overwhelming pain that i have endured over the process. its not fun by any means but necessary to work through. sometimes you dont know the pain you have until you begin to process it with a counselor- yes i am in counseling do to all i've been through with him. sometimes we need that extra ear extra help- the counselor i see is a christian who is amazing.

i am learning to just be held by God and not holding on- there is a song I am clinging to right now by casting crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held


Sunday, August 23, 2015

back on line again

well i thought i would catch you up what has transpired over the last several months - and will keep you up to speed as time progresses- i do this to get things out plus remind people they are not alone when it comes to dealing with behaviorally challenged children- mental health issues

this is not for the faint at heart but honestly not sure how much my heart can take or how much more it can take emotionally and mentally

so let me catch you up from march- i think i shared marcus was baker acted- then in may the bottom dropped out of my world - i am still sorting it all out but lets just say marcus lost control and has affected us both- not sure where he is at mentally but for me- its messed me up - if i am being honest

how could someone you love and put all the time and energy into over the years hurt you as he did.

our lives have not been the same since May 19th.

4 years ago marcus was in residential to get some additional help and on august 10th he reentered residential. he needs some help in which i can no longer give. hopefully we get the same or better outcome as we did four years ago.

the pain in my heart emotionally can be overwhelming at times but there are some amazing people in my life that are loving me through- praying me through

at times i wonder what in the world and why do we have to go through this again- i don't have an answer and may never get one- i just know we still have a long 6 months ahead of us- pray for us fro strongholds to be broken off m and to mend our broken family.

i know i just opened up a can of worms- for lots of questions - but i have lots of questions myself- so...

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Its been awhile

I know its been a while we have been a little out of wack-

We had yet another flood back in October and we were living with friends - now they are just family- Libby the cat was with other friends - well family for the 4 months and we would stay with her and visit with her as we could- so we were so out of sorts until the beginning of February when we moved back home with the help of amazing people in our life.

We have had some difficulties with some behaviors and it hit us hard about 2 weeks ago- hopefully we are on the right path-

Marcus diagnosis includes PTSD 30% of which foster kids have it much higher statistic then our military coming home from battle- We here more about the soldiers then we do the kids- why? I am not sure- I wish I knew- no offense to the soldiers who serve- I want them to get the help they deserve.

However- my son has it and it can be a living nightmare- flashbacks of before he came into my life in which I had no control over- comes at times when you least expect it or want it.

Other mental issues may occur with PTSD as well as ADHD oh yes I live with a child with both- and a mood disorder

In my next post I will share how difficult it can be at times to raise a teen (yes on top of everything else we are in adolescence time) with behavior concerns as a single parent (call me a little wack adoodle). How I feel through it all- get ready ready and be prepared I will be honest.

Here it is for sharing of the house done.