45 minutes...

and counting til the month of heck is over- looking forward to begin a new month- new before and after care - new new new-
time to move up the hill- took a stumble backwards but ready to move forward again.

I am working on my other writing and hopefully will deliver it by the weekend-
Nighty night all you termites-

We have overcome this time this month

I am still standing

My head hurts -

Let me tell you why- it is going to rupture I believe- it will one day soon-
Marcus had a real rough morning at home and this afternoon I found out the before care was about the same- however it got worse - he is no longer welcomed back at the before and after care because he chose to hit a teacher - i think it was an excuse to get him out of there- just my opinion-
Anyone- they said they have someone in their family that is the same way -so they should know how to handle him right -NO
So I bursted in to tears - Really God how much more do you really think I can handle- hold on- okay my mom and dad got me a bookmark so I set it in front of me and it reads ( one of my favorites) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Phillipians 4;13- I need His strength cause mine is just about to totally run out-
I called Adam- he calmed me down and help to refocus on what I need to do- he said it will be okay- what can I do to help? I need you to stay home and watch him so he does not get into anymore trouble-
How about drive him to school in the morning until I figure out what to do- I had started the process last week with the first incident-so I had some work done-
Okay so i went to school saw his teacher she is so cool- I love her to pieces.
They have what is called PLACE for before care- I said great I started the process last week- so let me see if they stilll have an opening- they did yipee - only for the AM though- okay that is okay- Karate I saw something about after care- great they have an opening there-as well AM and PM are covered bad thing the AM startes Wedensday the good thing Adam is taking him to school for me - such a sacrifice but I am so appreciative

God is watching out - even though I stress out- I know breathe

Working on...

I am working on something so my blogs may be a little shorter to share-but you will see what I am working on all in due time- just want to make sure I get my thoughts out and feelings out to -
you all -have a great day-

Aww- I feel good today - its been awhile

Marcus and I being goofy after JBQ practice today-

Its been a long while since I have felt this good- we are starting to climb the mountain or hill now- started to come out of the valley and work daily on hill climbing-
Before I go on- I am not saying we are going to have all hilltop days but more are nicer then the valley days-
The last 3 days have been good- very good- minor incidences that were resolved relatively quickly.

I have been tired just cause I think a lot and make sure he is okay and sleeping and not into anything he should not be. but I will learn to do better - I need to or else I will be a mess.

Anyway- God is so good- Sunday School was a time to reflect on the single parenting class I have been leading- It has been good very good- It is amazing to see that as as a single parent you are not the only one going through similar things that married couples have no clue ( no offense there my friends) We found that being consistent is a hard thing to do- but necessary- why is it hard cause we get tired and can not say go talk to your mom or dad. I have learned that it is difficult when dad or mom is semi in the picture and how difficult it can be- we went way over time today which shows me this is so needed for us.

We discussed how as single parents we should ask when we need it - it is okay to ask for help ( I know this more now then ever)
Sometimes help could just mean that you are listening when I am emailing or chatting on line or calling- a lot of time for me that helps- and sometimes watching Marcus just for a few hours helps. When others correct him it is great and I can relax knowing others are around to say - hey there stop it

God spoke to me today regarding all that we have been through- reminding me it is a process - and still take each day one at a time- God is going to use this process in a mighty way- I know it I feel it in my heart. Keep reading my blog cause I am going to bring you from a journey of the summer through now - I need to show you what we have been through to show you where we are going- He is a mighty God-

I woke up with a smile this morning and a good feeling- it was nice- I am thankful

No Matter What...

I am not forgotten- and neither are you - no matter what you are going through- He is always thinking of you

We Have Overcome

This song I learned at Unstoppable and I noticed we were singing it Sunday in service- We have overcome by the blood of the Lamb- We HAVE OVERCOME-

A letter to my family and where we are going

Marcus' behavior had begun detoriating over the summer- with increase outburst of anger over very simple things- when he was asked to do something - when he was doing something he should not etc etc- the week before September 1st these outbursts got very out of hand very violent- hitting - screaming yelling etc- this to a point where I did not feel comfortable _ yes scared nervous - to be with him - so I spent the Sunday night at friends and even he outbursted and raised his fists towards his "uncle adam" which he never ever has done. So I had to make a decision and not sure how to make it- Monday the 1st in the AM was pretty much a battle and then he calmed down- but I knew I had to make a decision and waited all day to do it- Lori was there with me the entire thought out time- when he was being so kind- but I just never knew when the next outburst would come- the violent outbursts- you see where I got nervous is Sunday he kicked me so hard in my knee I had a bruise for over a week. Anyway- that was the icing on the cake.
After much thought- after much heart ache-and heartwreching time- I had to make a decision to get help - so we went to the ER- We dropped Isaac off at the Tobias family and Lori drove me to the ER. so glad she was there. Anyway-he was fine then through a fit in the car over cookies then he was fine and good when checking in to the ER- and he was good and coloring and then he did exactly what I wanted him to do so someone could see what this child is all about - You see I told Marcus we were going to get help because Mommy did not know how to help him anymore- and he was okay with that nervous but ok
Anyway- to make a long story shorter- He through a massive fit- hitting me in the face - hittin my jaw with his head - kicking yelling - I was trying to hold him- Lori went to get security but they really did not help- so Lori grabbed him and we slammed him to the floor ( okay not really) but we did drop to the floor- her holding his arms me his legs- I was exhausted physically from defending myself- and as we were sitting there sweating- one of the Drs or interns came over and said keep dong what you are doing - mental health is on their way- of course Lori and I bursted into laughter cause I was not going anywhere - The staff there was FABULOUS- gave me gatorade- aske me if I needed anything- Lori made phone calls and kept people updated.
Anyway mental health came down (Todd) he was great- Marcus did a nother outburst with him for about 30-40 minutes- he said he has not had to use a technique in 20 years but they did. todd was now sweating and he is no small man- He told Marcus - you ar going to make me make a decision I do not want to make- I said do what you need to do- that is why we are here- so they decided to Baker Act him- not sure if it other states have this but- this is when a person is a threat to himself or others. So Marcus was sent to a crisis center for 6 days- I was able to call twice daily and visit for 1 hour (which he only wanted to visit for 10 minutes each time)
We are going to behavioral therapy weekly- he has meds to take daily - we are working on anger control- he will see his psychiatrist more frequently-and now 25 days later from the first we are at a much much better place- school is going well - he started karate which he earned 3 months free because he was so well behave at school and was the only one who got it.

I am not sure if any of you have dealt with mental health issues but let me be very honest and frank with you - as the mother as the other family that deal with a child with mental health issue s( remember we do not know biological make up here) it is very real - very tiring - very time consuming-you have to think before the reaction comes so you do not have an explosion- constantly trying to figure out better ways to work with him-the days are better but we have a long way to go for the rest of his life- If you have never been through it - you do not understand- I am a stronger person for it and Marcus will be a better young man-
I just wanted to share - withyou my family of what has been going on-
The decision was the toughest ever and brought me to my lowest ever- helpless ( I stayed at friends house for the week he was gone) - but I would not change my decision for anything.

I loved what my pastor said as I was driving to the hospital- this has no reflection on you as a mom- he is sick- just like if he had diabetes or any other medical sickness you would do whatever means possible-and that is exactly what I did.

I wrote this to our family for our newsletter - my aunt sends one out every month - but as I wrote it I realized that the last 25 days were the hardest ever but as the days have come they ahave gotten easier -not easy - easier- and I am not saying that all is peaches and roses- but it is better- we have a long way and still have a long way to go-but our strength - my strength comes from God- I can see a little bit of how God is going to use this time for good.-

So glad today is Friday....

Why? Because I am so tired this week has been crazy and the most important reason I am so happy it is Friday- I can sleep in tomorrow - for me that is getting up at 7 or 8 - but hey that is sleeping in-

I am hoping to decrease my list today at work- I will feel so much better-


Marcus woke up in a good mood- so this is a good day- he got a good nights sleep so I am pleased-

This has been a long day

Work was so tiring I did not even get to sit down for 5 minutes- We had 2 people put which did not allow me to get my work done- so tiring -worked with some rats today and I am allergic to them so my neck got all red and inflammed fun- I just break out where ever they touch me and itch- I love them so - they are so very cute, sweet and smart

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday - I hope to get some things accomplished- I need to make alist and work on it ever so diligently with my office door closed- focusing on what I need to do-For those of you who read my blog know life for us has been very stressful and so exhausting-Let me tell you though - I have been truly blessed because of several reasons.

1. Leah has offered me a facial when I go to Venice mid October can not wait- it makes me smile- can not wait LEAH :)http://www.justskin.org./

2. My sister has offered to help with whatever

3. Adam and Brenda are watching him Saturday while I am at Life Coaching.

4. I am able to email or chat with Pastors Larry and Deanna, Melissa and who ever else is on facebook to vent to - tobe enouraged by or just to chit chat

Hello God- are you there?

I know He is- I feel Him close but yet so far awy- Does that make sense to anyone?- I am exhausted- really I am no one truly knows how close I am to a breaking point- I am hanging on at times during the week by a thread- I just want to be able to not have to think for awhile- not about how to deal with Marcus- before and after care ( for those of you who know he got a second chance there and we found out the real reason why he did not want to go to school) I am still searching out before and after care though just in case.
My mind is so tired of figuring out how to keep the anger from exploding -
I just would like one day not to have to take deep breaths - count to 10 - just one day of no anger control methods-
When do I get a break- ? Life Coaching is Saturday and I can not wait for my break!!!

Just Wanted to Say...

Hey Kim I was thinking about you!! Hope your doing well- Come back to Florida Soon- I miss you.

My posts....

I know my posts have been a little down speaking or struggling - but the truth is this is what life is right now for me- I am not hopeless- I am not doubting that is God is going to do amazing things- I am going through a process and I am sharing life- and if there is anyone that has been through rough times- times with your children- issues that you have had you are not alone. We all go through times and for now this our time- I am going through the process- Do I like it NO WAY- I am tired - exhausted at times-
Listen to the song from a previous day- All this that I am or I should say we are going through will be so worth it- If God uses our family to reach those who go through rough time to encourage them through the process and to let them know they are going to make it then so be it-
Its going to be worth it- I am growing- I am trusting- I am becoming stronger- It is a struggle -at times it is a moment by moment struggle- sometimes a day to day struggle- Today was one of those day struggles.

God knows what I am feeling - what my thoughts were during praise and worship was this morning- before church- before Sunday School- at breakfast-He saw the tears fall this morning- I know He is here - I know He is guiding me-I know I know

It is still hard on a daily basis- the days are long - God is showing me teaching me-mental health is so real- people do not get it- sometimes I do not get - sometimes I wonder if I can handle it - sometimes I wonder why Marcus- why Us- Why me- Sometimes I wonder how much more I can handle before I break down completely- days are daunting- you wonder when things are going to come apart again-the thoughts go astray. No worries- I talk to people-

I wonder- If we are created in His image then how could this happen to Marcus- I know there are other circumstances that have caused it but I still question it- and it is okay- He wants us to ask questions- When I ask questions it helps me walk through it- He normally answers through others speaking into my life-

I am just sharing- sharing what is going on inside- I get angry-mad- not at God - do not go there- at people- oh Michele you love God you are not suppose to do that- yes yes I can when you do stupid things to harm children I can say it. because it just does not affect them when they are young it affects them for a lifetime- Imprinting- Are you making a good imprint on a childs life or a bad one cause it will affect them.

I am rambling so I am going now - Keep praying for us- we need it- I need it he needs it - we all need it

So much to do

Have you ever felt that you can not get above water-well the past few weeks has set me back a bit and now it is time to pull up my boot straps and get going again- I need to clean off my desk finish my banister (yes it is not done)check my desktop over - begin to deep clean the house starting downstairs- doing some minor repairs - etc etc
It can be a little overwhelming but as in life and my saying lately one step at a time one step at a time.

Saturday - yeah-

Okay the last few mornings have been a little daunting- including today- I have been yelled at - name called - tongue stuck out- because he did not want to do what he was asked- not violent- THank you Jesus for that- but all of the other above plus ran from inside the house and outside the house-
Today was a little bit of the same at 630 in the morning not as bad- I am laying down the law and sticking to my guns- still need to be careful of what could set him off but need to reiterated ever so much that this behavior isnot acceptable.

He went back to bed about 7 and still is sleeping for now- I plan on waking him up at 9 to get ready for our JBQ meeting- It is that time of year and I can not wait cause he is going to do so well and I am not coaching this year Adam is- so I can officiate - YEAH- We have been studying and he has missed only 5 in the set we have studied for the first match- no pressure on him just to have fun and answer what he can- He tells me he is going to get positive quiz outs so that will be good

We start our free karate classes on Monday - maybe I did not tell you but he earned 3 months of free karate classes-for his good behavior at school yeah for Marcus now what am I doing wrong that he is not behaving or do kids end to take more out on there parents
Two weeks at school of 10/10 days - I am proud-
Anyway back to karate- I did some digging and the instructor is a Christian and professes his faith- Hallelujah- This I believe is truly a God thing- Some one to discipline him through Karate and teach him the love of God too- THe more of God he gets the better - I love the men at church that pour into is life -they are truly a blessing- so this will be one more addition to that

Must go clean out the car to go to Lakeland

The List

Lori and Stacy
Adam and Brenda
Pastors Larry and Deanna
Melissa and Sean
Pastor T and Misty
Cathy and Tom
Mom and Dad
Bernie and Lisa
Leslie and Bill
Aunt Dee
Aimee
and many more that I may not know

Over the past several weeks these people whether they know it or not have spoken volumes - Imean volumes into my life- and I just want to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart- I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

So:

The day started off very rough and ended.....

My started of very rough with Marcus just not listening- very disrespectful and very noncompliant-yelling talking back- etc. I let him know this type of behavior is not okay- and there would be consequences- no there won't I got- UGH! and this is how it was all the way to before care- I finally was able to talk him through again- the mental challenge of seeing what works - is tiring and not fun at 6 am in the morning. I know what the problem was he was tired- I am noticing that this is where the meltdowns occur so I try to avoid late nights-and early but Wednesday Night is church- I am going to see how he does the next 2 Wednesdays and reevaluate him- He did not have a meltdown on the way home- this was a first in over a month- but Cathy and I tagged team to hopefully avoid that situation

Work is going good- just trying to settle in to the new position-I am getting there - and getting comfortable with the facility - just the days are non stop and so tiring. Hopefully we can get some extra help in the next week or so. It is a little stressful but it is okay- tomorrow I get to help in surgery with one of my favorite Drs and one of my favorite type of surgeries- it is one that I helped developed the anesthesia for so I love it.

Marcus was exhausted tonight - he came home studied for his spelling test ate dinner which I did cook thank you very much- liver-onions- mushrooms and mashed potatoes- Yes you read it liver- I love it and have since I was very young and yes Marcus loves it too-

It was about 6 ish when we ate- he said he was tired and was going to go to bed- So we went and I gave him a bath and he was out fairly quickly which is good cause he needed it

No problems this evening - so I am thankful

What is it like?

What is it like dealing with mental health issues- let me tell you- hold on it may get a little serious for you all- but we who have special needs children are not alone-

I wrote to my very good friends an email thanking them for all they did for me when Marcus was in the unit. and explained to them what a toll it takes on those who care for the children with mental health issues or special needs issues- so here it goes

Sometimes you feel helpless- because you do not know what will work to get them through there meltdowns or their moments of craziness or the whoo hooo moments as Sarah calls them -
Something that may have worked one day may not work the next and it is a constant challenge-
Thinking about what is going to trigger a moment or why did this trigger a moment when one other time it did not.
You know you work it out and have to think a lot to try and calm things so they do not get overwhelming and when you finally get things worked out and are able to keep things calm- you collapse- why it is emotionally and mentally and sometimes physically challenging.You can worn out - drained - it is tiring -it wears you down.
I am not as worn down as I had been because the meltdowns are working through faster- but tonight it took about an hour to finally have him realize what he was doing was not okay and there were consequences to his behavior- which causes sometimes another flair up-and then you have to work it all out again

So if you know of someone with a special needs child or one with mental health issues- they need your love they need your support - they need your prayers- they need your hugs-they need you to say can I watch him/her for a few hours for you so you have a mental break- they will appreciate it I am sure

Meme of Me and my kid

I was going to write something good- maybe will later but for now I was tagged from PD

So here it goes;

1.Post a picture of you and your child

How many children do you have? 1- Marcus John

What are their ages? Marcus 7 years old

What time of day do you start your day? 4:45 am

Wha do you eat for breakfast? usually a breakfast bar- and juice or a PB and ? sandwich

Do they watch TV? not a lot but more then he use to-

What are their favorite activities? He likes to play video games- play with cars- Junior Bible Quiz- hang with mommy

Do you get a break from him during the day- yes while he is at school

How do you end your day? with him I usually have him get a shower- get dressed- then we sit and talk for a few minues- I pray for him while rocking him( I love it- need a rocking chair though) sing to him ans usually he begins to fall asleep at that point- tell him I love him and give him a kiss goodnight. How I end my day- usually reading and play packrat on facebook-

Best parenting advice? I am still learning- but I think it is communication- talking it out - consistency and having structure- asking for help -love him no matter what happens-love him no matter what- love him no matter what-lots and lots of patience

Tag 5 people: Cathy, Melissa, Lori, Leslie, and Leah

Family Beach Day - Clearwater Beach

Marcus- Sarah- Lauren and I went to the beach day for Oasis and Jam- we spent about 4 hours or so over there and got a little toasty- the waves were good- it was nice to sit in my chair and read and listen to the waves - very relaxing- even though I do not care for the beach all that much- We also had dinner with the Tobias' and Marcus helped make pancakes

So enjoy the pictures-

Savanna and Marcus Digging

Marcus sitting in the hole

Lauren, Sarah and CC playing in the sand

Pastor Larry trying to teach Marcus to throw a football ( I already did that- girls can play football- PL said he taught him to throw it farther)

Misty having a relaxing moment

Pastor Larry's Footrests

Marcus will learn how to cook before his mom

God created us in His image right?

We were studying Bible Quiz on our way to therapy and one of the questions is ( parapharasing so do not quote me all you BQ parents-) What is the difference between people and animals-God created us in His image? So why do people (children) have mental health issues? I posed this question to my Pastor and waiting for his reply (no pressure Pastor Larry) I know we have the sinful of nature of man which can cause consequences but children are innocent right-hey I am just posing the questions- a thought that crossed my mind-

Am I mad at God for how Marcus is - no way-really that thought never crossed my mind- upset with his biological mom- yep- foster parents yep-biological dad yep ( although he has no idea he is alive) okay so why am I -upset because children reflect there environment - we shape there lives and in the first few years of his life it was negatively shaped. Not God's fault- God created a fantastic young man- I know it I see it forming- I know he has a great plan for him- just others had differnet ideas -

God has allowed me to be his mom- a task that I sometimes can not believe- sometimes so difficult. Not knowing what to do or say- this past week since he has been home - it is so different for me- I rely so much on God's wisdom in all circumstances-

This week has been mentally challenging for me ( do not go there) because you have to think a lot and not react- you have to think of how to diffuse a possible situation before it occurs or even if it occurs with you yourself not getting upset- you have to think of ways to keep him calm and work it out and talk it through. So I am grateful for God's knowledge- He did create him and knows what he needs- Keep praying for us- the process is on going.

What a difference a week makes

I can not believe it has been 1 week at where I was at my lowest point ever- struggling ever so much-just went through the motions of church.

Tonight PD spoke about encouragement and it was so good and I could relate to what she was saying cause I was there and still am in some ways of needing that life jacket and keeping me from drowning- I had several life lines last week- and I know that I still have those life lines praying for me daily- we still need it we are far from where we were but we still have far to go- we started a new beginning- I intend to do everything I can- ask for help more often and not get to where we just came from again-


I also related to what she said about being thrown out- Marcus was a throw away - but he has so much potential- I can not give up on him - he is so precious and tender hearted he just needs extra help with issues in his young life- Why doe he have so much potential I see it- I am so proud of him this week at school 3 days with 10/10. wow he said that was the first time ever.


We were studying BQ tonight on the way to church he was getting frustrated because there were 14 questions he did not know out of 74. Hello- I said darlin you are doing so well- but mommy I do not know some I said that is okay. he then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to learn the whole bible- great- missionary- bible scholar- astronaut- Dr- teacher-fireman- these are all what he wants to be -His words- I want to teach children all over the world how to read and while I do that I am going to tell them about Jesus- HELLO POTENTIAL- no wonder why the devil want so to keep knocking us down- but devil you aint having my family cause I serve a mighty God and He will prevail -

We still have hills to climb- and we have just begun- I still look at it this way- baby steps - those words help so much- and moment by moment and day by day.

Did I Say...

This was going to be a long process- oh my goodness- but I am learning a lot through him and he is telling me how to help him- so those of you in his life be forewarned we are in this together and I will inform you of what to do- because this is taking a lot of patience and a lot of discerning of how to handle him - does that make sense?

We do have therapy scheduled now for every Friday evening. so this will be beneficial for both of us.
I am taking an online class to help with parenting skills as well- I can always learn something.
Always looking to others on the outside looking in to help to - maybe they see a way of dealing with a certain circumstance a little differently.

I do believe that this whole process will benefit all of us in his life.

On another note- bible quiz has started and he is studying and today we studyed for about 15 minutes and we probably did about 50 questions and he interuppted probably 20 of the questions and was able to answer 48 questions correctly so I am so looking forward to see how well he does.

His days this week (2 of them) have been a 10/10 so I am proud of that and our mornings are very good -thank you Jesus!!!


Baby Steps-

This is going to be a long process

As I have been told by my friend and my pastor baby steps (scary they think so much a like) - moment by moment - day by day. Lots of patience I see.

Marcus is a work in progress and so am I - I am learning how to word things and deal with him-all over again- somethings I have been doing but there are other things in order to help him deal with his anger management that he needs constant reminded and consistency.

He needs rules and have consequences for when they are broken- I have been doing that.

so this is going to be a process and if I happen to ask for help from you all it is cause I need it

and it is going to take a team effort to help this young man

Home at last

Well we finally have made it home- and will start a fresh week this week to come
keep us still in your prayers because I need it-My emotions are still out of whack but as each day comes it will get better
Today was a very good day-far better then days behind- Now it is time to take each moment by moment and day by day
God will give us strength and I know I will be a stronger person- and better mom from all this.
Refocusing- Regrouping- Rejuvenating-

Do you know what?

Co-Pastors, Pastor Wives,and Woman leaders in churches go through some tough times- yes it is so true. Many of them do- they deal with things that you would not believe- but you know what you can do something about it- You can love them- You can support them- You can run with their vision- you may not agree with everything but that is okay as long as you are united with them.

What you do not want to do is- use them and abuse them- tell them you will be there and not show up- talk about them- if you do not know the truth about something do not say anything-


Do not bug them when they are getting ready to lead- whether it be preaching or teaching - singing or greeting-they have their mind set on God and what He wants to happen- Do not be a distraction

Love them - Pray for them- Encourage them- Be there for them

Strength Will Rise

I went to the Unstoppable Conference Yesterday and it was the best thing I could have done- I had been in the house for 4 days- very by myself- it was good to get out-The song I placed on here we sang and it just resonated so much in my heart that I went to bed singing it in my head.
I went to the conference to help PD and to be there with Melissa (so glad you came- I hope your life will never be the same). But it was a healing time for me knowing that His Strength Will Rise and He will comfort those and help those who are weary- that we will overcome- and though this week has been the worst week of my life emotionally and physically- we will be better from this-

I do not wish this upon any family - However I would not change my decision in a heart beat- it has been the toughest decisions I have ever had to made- but a much needed one to begin a healing process.

I was speaking with Misty and Melissa after the service last night and said you know I realized today that I have not really prayed this week- what in the midst of this I have not prayed well not like you would expect- I spent a lot of time listening to music- but rarely verbalizing my hearts cry- As I was thinking about this during praise and worship God said it is okay I know your hearts cry and there are so many others lifting you all up in prayer- of course I apologized to God and it was like a gentle it is okay.

Yes I am starting to move up- I do have 1 problem I am still dealing with- I do not want to go home to an empty house- why I honestly do not want to be alone-no no not when Marcus comes home - the house is just not the same with no one else there- it is quiet - too quiet- I have set up a resident camp at the Tobias household and so thankful for them to allow me to stay here.

I am sitting listening to PDs message- from Thursday Night- wow it is so for me- and it was exactly what I was talking about with others lifting you up in prayer sometimes we need others Faith to help us through.

Today was better for me

I got some extra sleep today- went to my house- got some more clothes check on the cats- they were happy to see me-came back - did a little bit of work and then fell asleep - not a whole lot happening here-
Marcus appears to be doing better- not home yet- The Dr wants to see how he does on the new meds- that is fine with me-all the more time help him in healing with his mind and working with him-and anger management issues- they did blood work yesterday and all that good stuff.If I repeat myself several times it is okay- Adam keeps reminding me things I need to ask the Dr or counselors when we go visit.
Its been a tough very tough week- something I would not want to do again-but if needed- time for healing to occur in all of this-
God help my little one that is so precious- help him to understand and know I love him more then the sun and the stars in the sky.
He is a unique young man- okay it the midst of all this stuff going on let me share with you what the boy has told me.
1. he was having a major meltdown in the hospital when all of a sudden he asked what was wrong with the little baby next door- we said she was sick- Marcus said I want to go pray for her- we said you can not do that but stretch your arm out and pray for her- so he did and let me tell you his prayer was beautiful one of the best I heard him pray- then he went right back into meltdown mode.
2. He told me he want to go to other countries and tell people about Jesus

He is an amazing little man! I love him so and can not wait to have him home but only when he is ready!

What am I feeling?

This is a question I have been asking myself the past 2 days -
I am at a loss right now kinda in limbo- at times feeling numb or nothing at all-
I feel at peace with the decision I made- I can not hold him right now and rock him to sleep ( I do that) I can not sit with him on his bed and hold him and rub his fuzzy head and sing to him like I do everynight- I am feeling sad-
Yes I rock my 7 year old he missed out when he was younger and I do that- and it is okay to do that I think
What am I feeling- lonely - not alone- but lonely-I know there are people there for me and they have been fabulous from the Tobias household- to my sister to Pastors Larry and Deanna- to Cathy and Pastor T and Bernie. The words they say - and even the words they do not say mean so much.
I feel like I have lost the Marcus I know some loss of him is good - Yesterday broke my heart
tonight I feel a little better
I gave him a card- he smiled when he read it this is what I wrote
on the front- Marcus I love you
inside- I love you- you are special I am praying for you and thingking about every moment of the day.
On the bottom inside-
I love you more then the sun and the stars in the sky- I love you yesterday today and forever ( We sing this together)
Tonight when I saw him he ran up to me and hugged me so tight. I am so glad- I was hoping he will forgive me for placing him there.

If you have not figured it out...

The last couple of days have been tough- Marcus is in a crisis stabilization unit and when visiting him yesterday it went from talking like normal to this is the WORST day ever to joking (not normal joking Marcus) but different.
We maybe spent 10 minutes tops with him he had a minor anger outburst when I was there and he got refocused and ate. He regressed way back to when I first got him- his eyes were not Marcus eyes- it was hard but I know he is where he needs to be

Waiting is so difficult

I have slept for 3 hours today- and I know I need the rest but I just can not- My mind is going a mile a minute and I am trying to be calm- yeah right- wait for the evaluation- to be done on him- I feel like Iam giving my life history with him many times over-

The feeling of unsafe is unsettling- right now - my appetite is way down and before you all get whacked out on me-I know I need to take care of myself- unfortunately myself is not the concern I have right now. Again I need to change that thought- I realize that.

I should find out more this afternoon- I will be able to call him in a little bit a few times during the day.

Me I feel good about the decision-calm- actually just heartwrenching when you know you have to make that decision.

Here is a cute picture of Isaac and Clarence- who said that cats and dogs do not get along- Isaac is laying on Clarence and all he was doing was purring

5 hours in the ER

We had to go- it was time- for his safety- my safety and all those who care about us' safety- We went and got Marcus help- We went in together but left separately from StJosephs ER- Marcus went to a crisis center- to get the help he needs and that I am unable to provide- it is 230 in the morning and I can not sleep- Oh I am tired more then you can imagine but I just can't settle in-
I am laying on the Tobias' living room floor listening to I have to Believe by Rita Springer- over and over and over.
I am questioning if I should have taken him- no- I am questioning why I did not do it sooner- but I was told by my good friend I should not dwell on that today September 1 starts a new beginning for our family.
Just keep us in prayer for them to keep him as long as they need to-and we work together on his care plan- I need your prayers as well cause for a mom this has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. RIght decision but the right one-
Thanks foryour prayers

Let me just say Kudos and thanks so much to the staff that was there tonight- there were phenomenal- Jen Kody and Todd- you all are the best

Moment by Moment- The realization is near

Well- the last 24 hours have been very surreal- I think and I know it is time to get more help for Marcus- it is breaking my heart to the ultimate degree but I am tired of getting hurt- I am tired of the yelling and screaming and kicking and hitting he does- I am honestly nervous with him and that is not a feeling I like - so right now my sister is hanging out with us- we are not doing anything special I am physically -emotionally spent-
The outbursts and in your face - fists in the air for me is not good
I do not trust him with anyone at this point or around anyone-
We went last night to the TObias' and Adam got a dose of the anger outbursts over turning off the music cause he would not listen.
I will keep you posted on what happens