Jehovah Jireh my Provider

I woke up to the words of what Rob was speaking from God last week about how God is my provider and how He will supply ALL my needs - not just some but All- I woke up to God reminding me of what I said I was going to do- pray about what to do with Marcus- not just fly off the wheel cause I am desperate to fix the problem right now-

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

James 1:12
12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him

Again- just when you think you are defeated as I was feeling last night- God gives you the strength to get up- gives you strength to endure- He will make a way and provide

The Saga is on going

Well- we no longer have before care and no longer have after care from school ( thankful again for Cathy and Tom)
why no after care because Marcus again was unsafe in the van and they just can not have that there- so no more martial arts- so needless to say stress is high and I am tired of dealing with it all- any ideas and suggestions please send them to me- if you know of any place that would deal with a child with behavioral challenges - needs to be in small setting and have structure and feel safe. and once again this before brought me to a low tonight- thank goodness for friends and family- my heart is broken- and hurting- we were doing well at home and did not realize he was spiraling at martial arts-

so of course I was emotionally over it - not knowing how to handle it all- and called friends and family to talk it out- it helped - but not enough- I felt defeated in my efforts- and just want to give up- OK I AM NOT GIVING UP- I WILL PERSEVERE-

Thanks to a little chatting on line from friends in Illinois (Melissa) and friends close by the Garlands- actually the Garlands came over and we just chatted and just having them here helped so much

I have contacted some people to see if they have any suggestions for care and I am serious - if any of you have ideas let me know- sorry dad can not use duct tape and bailing twine- it will not work

His therapist is going to contact the psychatrist and speak to her about the very poor impulse control he has and see what she says- therapist also said that the thought of someone raising there voice or speaking to him or not giving him the answer he wants to hear- when he is in trouble may set off an alarm inside and he just does not know what to do by go into defense and flight response and may not know why he does it. and at times he goes beyond where he can get control- so she is going to begin looking back and seeing where things may have gone awry.

Keep us in your prayers- I am changing my prayer from healing to we need a miracle.

Persevere

He did not qualify

Well I had the evaluation for Marcus and the social group program- the Dr said he does not qualify for this but I will start and anger management group for him and others in March- okay strange but ok- we will wait til March to get in a program- group setting.
Today I find out about the fate of before care of PLACE- gut feeling not good- but I am not worried. I am thankful for my God for meeting my needs.

Child care

Okay enough is enough- this is ridiculus-well I was suppose to have a meeting with PLACE yesterday to determine the outcome of Marcus- he wants to go back but my gut is saying not going to happen. Anyway-so I have been diligently working to find alternative -for now Cathy and Tom have been wonderful- and dealing with shanagans of Marcus (just pray for him and food issues)
I have talked to child care facilities pretty much in Hillsborough and Pasco County-they say they deal with special needs kids- well no no they do not- there is 2 in Hillsborough (where my sister was the director) and then where he went privately to kindergarten. There have been a couple of them in Pasco county who have worked with him but always the same parents are concerned etc- me too concerned about the welfare of my sons mind - do you people not get change is not good for him - I repeat I am not complaining about PLACE they ahve done phenomenal this one is on Marcus.
So today I am calling childcares and for the first time ever-I had an honest person on the phone from Children's Nest Daycare off of 54. I asked about the special needs children told her about Marcus and the PTSD and anger issues and she said I am sorry but my staff is not trained for this type of special needs-She apologized and wished she could help - I told her that I appreciated the fact she was up front and honest about taking Marcus in- She did not want to put him through another change -Thank you Jesus for her honesty. I would rather know up front.
Why is there not a child care facility to deal with behavioral needs children- maybe I need to open one- I know he can not be the only one-Can He? So if anyone knows of one let me know

Good day today

We had a busy day- for me it was different gettin 2 children plus myself together- plus make breakfast- etc- one is plenty- my heart goes out to single parents with more then 1 child (tina, sue I am thinking of you). SS was good we talked about Moses and how is was disobedient - the kids are learning the books of the bible in order - I have about half of them that know the first 15 - most of them are bringing their bibles yeah- and 95 % are contributing during question time-

service was good PD preached a good message -really good- no I am not just saying that cause she reads my blog it was what was right about the church- all good stuff-

my niece came and oh my goodness when Lori picked her up she had a major crying meltdown she did not want to leave-she called 20 minutes after she left hysterical to the point i could not understand her.

then Marcus and I came home and slept-

I did not sleep too well last night not sure why so it was a nice nap- then Marcus cleaned his bathroom while I took off the training wheels on his bike- then outside we went and he did great- we started the process at grannie and papaws and today was the day to see how he would do- he did fabulous- so on Saturdays we will be finding trails to go on- anyone want to join us? Here are some pictures from grannie and papaws and then here

Catch up from the week

and to look ahead- okay well this was an interesting week- Marcus is into stealing food- therapist relates it all back to younger days-it is a frustrating time - he took from the Garlands and had to buy it with his own money- still waiting on consequences from them-then he also took and lied at school from a teacher- what to do?? we take a step forward and then backwards we go- I am getting all the negative out to focus on the positive- so then he decides to be unsafe in the van to after school several days this week- yelling - unbelting etc- why who knows he may not even- very aggravating- let me see-I think that wraps of the negative now lets focus on positive-
- his anger has been manageable this week 6 out 0f 7 days- this is an answer to prayer - I think I can handle everything but the volatile anger moments- oh he got angry just we did some things different to help him deescalated quickly-
this is what we do- first you have to hug him from behind- either rub is arms or rock him- then you say Stop- Second- Calm yourself down- breathe in breath out- do that a couple of times- count to 10 slowly- third- focus on a happy thought - a bracelet he wears now WWJD - 4th- make a choice give him 2 options he normally chooses the better one if not we go through the steps again. this is a process usually of less then 5 minutes- compared to 30-40 minutes of screaming hollering or name calling. I have been less stressed and overwhelmed from this technique- does it always work only when you start of by hugging him- does not work if you ask him to do his 4 steps. I believe it is a comfort thing knowing you are there to hold him and help him through.

He had a good Friday- ended the week + ,

I am reading a really good book about Strong willed children-no not Dr Dobson- I am reading this going this is Marcus- oh no this is Marcus- oh here he is again- and the parents reacting the same way I do- YES I am not alone - I can not tell you how this book has wowed me- I am not a big book reader however I like it a lot-gives you ideas and steps and helps you see other ways of doing things- So far this is the best book I have read when it relates to "Marcus" . Some of the things in there - just confirms what friends have told me so that is so wowzers to me.

So what is ahead- I have a conference with PLACE to find out his outcome- I have received information from Children resources and Misty you were right not very helpful. Stuff I already have but I was given them to me- You know why is there not a childcare facility that deals with behavioral challenged children HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! I can not be the only one who deals with this.
Wednesday I meet up with a Dr doing a program for socialization and they will evaluate him- this will be out of pocket no insurance coverage. it will last for 15 weeks- I am hoping it will help him and help me understand him. It is on Mondays from 4-5 so I will be leaving work early on those days- thank goodness for S/L and FMLA.

This is where we are next week-

Worn out

Just feeling a little tired today- I worked out the last 2 days and had a bumpy day with Marcus- I just can not wait to sleep in on Saturday- who knows maybe it is because it is cold and my warm bed is callingme back- Should find out something about childcare today - or I should say I plan on meeting with them- when not sure- keep you posted

What a gift I have!

Well I have many gifts and they are all God given- what are they my friends- my support group- my cheerleaders- my encouragers- my take Marcus and deal with them people.

Well 2 of them have stepped up and have allowed me not to be so stressed- I am waiting to hear back from school ( the before care program) to see if he is allowed back- I am also waiting to hear from children resources to see if they can help me find before care- so while I am waiting to hear the Garlands have opened their home in the mornings for Marcus and drive him to school as long as I need them. No words can express how this has helped relieve the weight on my shoulders- I can breathe easier and not go into panic mode.

I am so very thankful - thank you for living up to the Northside pledge- it speaks volumes into my life.

Continue to change me

You know change is a work in progress- for over 3 years my prayer has been change Marcus - well the change happened no not in Marcus but me Friday and Saturday Morning- oh it is not instantaneous- but I am changing-for the better-to better help him change- God has a way of getting into your heart when you avail yourself to Him- and that is what happened the last few days with me. not a perfected way of handling things yet but working to get there.

Pastor Larry made a statement of Sunday which has stuck in my head- God has prepared you for this battle. Me you have prepared me for the battle that I have endured -wow I smiled to a few that actually know what I have been going through and it was like thank you God- that is just what I needed to hear. ok not really what I wanted to hear but it made me realize God is there every moment- again I know this too - however somtimes you just need the reassurance.

Persevere

Prayer and Pancakes

What do you do on a Friday Night at 11 pm in Tampa- you go to church and pray. For some it was an act of obedience for others it was it was a little more difficult then just going. Let me back up a few hours shall I .

Marcus had to physically be removed from PLACE yesterday morning by his behavioral specialist- which resulted in him having at least a 2 day suspension- which may have resulted in his termination- hence I was slightly overwhelmed in the afternoon- the day before for us was not much better- and Wednesday night was about the same-anyway- we went to therapy - Marcus and I talked with her- set up a plan and see where this goes- at this point driving home- I am tired - worn and really have no desire to do anything- Marcus came home and fell asleep and I did for a half hour just to rest-

Not feeling like going to prayer and pancakes cause I did not feel up to it- I probably look like death warmed over -and pretty much felt that way. (just being honest) this week has made me feel very weary and as I have shared with others feeling like a failure as a parent. Feeling like I have been kicked to the curb and do not know where to turn anymore-

Anyway- I decided to go - and told Marcus (yes I woke him up) if he went back to sleep then we will go out afterwards for pancakes with everyone.

Well- as we begin to sing I began to cry why- I really do not know - I think I was beginning the process of being broken- sometimes you need that to get fixed - and I hope you know what I am talking about-


**** Side note**** Dustin you did an amazing job of leading the worship- God has truly blessed you with a talent- continue to use it for his Glory.*****

Well we began to repent ask forgiveness from attitudes and actions- I am really not sure how long we prayed for this but I know I was broken into many pieces-many pieces- Not going to share here but if you know me you can ask and I will tell you.

So I went into service one way and came out so different- like never before-I was so down and distraught I did not know what to do . I went to prayer and as I pressed into God he pressed into me with comfort and guidance. So glad I showed up - SO GLAD He SHOWED UP.

Oh I am not saying everything is peachy keen- however I needed to change and I will change how things are handled from today forward-

Pastor spoke about praying for a word a gift- well you saw my word that I chose for my year- but this is different this is a a gifting -my gift I prayed for is mercy- most of you know I am pretty compassionate and forgiving however there is one area I need to have the gift of mercy.

For me prayer was powerful tonight- life changing and life saving- truly it was

After prayer we went for pancakes 33 of us- Marcus rode with Mr Bernie- and was just beaming when he came into IHOP- kudos to Peter our waiter he was fabulous- We laughed so hard -we have crazy people at out church- and one of the best parts of IHOP- no meltdowns - all was quiet

God is so good

When God...

When God when will there be a healing? Do I need to change- please show me so I can help

This is my one word

My one word for me -I read this on Tara Sloan's and Pastor Deanna's blog- decided I was going to do it and choose my word- what is it you ask well if you think about it- you may guess before reading on.

This is the definition: to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly

Did you guess- here it is- cause I need to hang on to this word this year

okay I finally did it..

What- well I pampered myself - my sister and I had a girl day- her and I - it was very relaxing and I can not wait to do it again cause I need a day for me-Here is what my toes and fingers look like now-

If there is misspellings or words that look funny- I am still getting use to the nails-

On a side note Marcus had a fabulouse day today - he even got upset and was able to curb his anger- 1 sticker earned yeah!

Sometimes...

I feel how much can I handle- Wednesday I thought I had had it all- not able to handle- but when I got home -there was an inner strength from God- said get up- there are those out there to help send out the call for help and they will respond- some may wonder how do I get through- GOD plain and simple- I heard several songs on the way yesterday to school- to work - to therapy - to home and this one is the one I found-that I have been racking my brain to find- I did - just when you think you are breaking Praise Him- Prais Him Praise Him

Oh my aching shoulders

Started working out yesterday - has been a loooong while since I have done it- but I do not feel to bad- shoulders are a little sore but I did weights today and worked muscles in my arms that were like hey stop that- did the elliptical today and yesterday- this is going to be a good thing. It is a good stress releaser which we all know I need :)

Did you know....

that there is some neat things in the book of Genesis- I have taken on the challenge of reading the bible in a year- so far so good right on target.

Okay so I have learned a little something -

Genesis 7:2-3 2 Take seven pairs of every kind of animal that can be used for sacrifice [a] and one pair of all others. 3 Also take seven pairs of every kind of bird with you. Do this so there will always be animals and birds on the earth

Did you read it? Did you see it? I never read this before- I was like woe- where did that come from- I even checked several versions- and they all say the same thing- 7 pairs I thought it was one pair- a simple story that we all have heard - and look I was excited when I read this - I read it in front of the kids in Sunday School and said did you all know this- and they said no- I said see God shows us new things even when we have read the story over and over.

This about sums up what is going on...

Lord I need you more

One more day...

I have 1 more day off til I go back to work( Marcus is off school- I try to take off work when he is off school) so I am catching up on some things- cleaning- paying bills- returning things- sleeping- I am tired lately- maybe go for a bike ride later
I have a lot on my mind - good things - some just things I need to work through for me (the miracle I need)
Service was good yesterday and God reminded me of some things I had forgotten- I thought about it and God is working things out - brought a smile to my face- we went to the Tobias after JBQ practice yesterday and I fell asleep for about 2 hours- it was nice not to have to worry about Marcus and if he is in to something-
Sarah made dinner and it was very good-she is going to do well in the culinary department.

I am looking forward to this week at work Wednesday I will begin working out in the gym they have and hte best part it is free and I can do it after work before picking up Marcus - I will do that Monday and Wednesday and then the other days -walk- to aerobics- bike ride etc I do have to set up a schedule so I actually follow- My 20 year high school reunion is coming up and I want to look pretty good-for it-
Off to get things done- Happy Monday everyone!

You and Me....

I am awake wide awake at 12:50 in the morning - listening and praying with my pastors as they host You and Me- my pastors are amazing people!!!
They are so compassionate for others and open their heart to others. I sat listening to the needs of those calling in and mine seem so miniscal to those calling in- I will be praying for those that called in- the woman who needs a healing from God -in a mighty way- the mom who would like to receive her children back- the man who rededicated his life- the gentleman who feels lonely- children and husbands that need Jesus in their life.

Now on to hour 2- the aunt that is dying and wants to go home to Jesus and is ready- daughter complete healing- financial needs-marriage needs-turn around the the difficulties in life-healing and restoration in a marriage- healing for legs-stroke - and for a church family to touch his life.
God is so faithful no matter what. brings tears in my eyes as I sit here listening to the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sing this wonderful reminder of how God is so faithful-even when we doubt.
So many family needs so many marital needs and so many healing needs.- school needs.
So many needs so many healings needed- so many hurts
It was a privelage that I was able to stay awake and be able to pray with Pastor Larry and Deanna for all the needs that were represented on the phone tonight- I have played this song before but I am going to put it up again- to let you all know that we do need each other and we are not alone in this world.
I have a need and if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know the miracle I need. so I am right there with everyone else. and I know I am not alone and that I need you my friends just as much as you need me.

On to hour 3- many family concerns - They played a video- on you an me and I want to share it with you - it was a reminder to me-

**Side note if anyone from Northside has the ability to stay up with our pastors next time they host You and me I highly recommend it - you will be changed - you will be given a sense of reaching out to those you do not even know - your heart will be touched.

Praying for a miracle sooner rather then later

Marcus finally got up at about 5 pm after sleeping most of the day away- I fed him some dinner and then we began to talk and I began to cry and as he did as well. He talked I listened - i talked he listened- I said this is a brand new year today is the 1st day- He told me he was thinking again of his old home- this is my miracle I need sooner rather then later- I just want him to forget about his past home - have God just wipe that away- we talked about how his anger is causing issues and how tiring it makes me- I was honest with him told him I loved him and missed him when he was gone but I also told him how I did not miss the meltdowns and the anger outbursts when he did not get his way- I so enjoyed going out with adults and not worrying about how he was going to respond- I so enjoyed being with a crowd of people and him having meltdown cause he did not get dessert or food right away- it was enjoyable and something I needed.
We also talked about going biking on different trails on Saturdays we do not have anything planned- We talked on consequences and things we get to do and why he act the way he acts and if he wants to change and not be so angry all the time- at times I wonder if it is an excuse-I know he is able to control it he proved it twice to me yesterday.
I am going on and on- I told him this type of behavior can not continue day to day- it is wearing me out- he said he wanted to change and I said great- we talked about forgiving people even when they hurt us very bad- he said he wanted to tell the man he forgives him- I said we do not need to go there you forgive in your heart when you are ready and let God know you have forgiven him as well. We talked a lot more detailed then what I am writing-I would ask him if he understood what I was saying and he was able to tell me- so I am praying for a miracle sooner then later of his anger and his past - I am praying for a miracle- we need it-will you pray with us- sooner rather then later?
Our talk ended up being about 3 hours long- and I am hopeful that what we talked about will sink in to his head but as well as his heart

Happy New Year

I went to Pastor Larry and Deanna's house for New Years- the whole church was invited- it was a little odd not having the Bubba man with me but I enjoyed it immensely not having to worry about if he was overstimulated or going to have a meltdown- I sat out by the fire with a blanket and closed my eyes and relaxed (I did not close them long because you never know what someone could do to you) As midnight approached we went in and watched the ball drop- I was kinda numb feeling and it brought tears to my eyes as I thought of the old and looked forward to the new- 2008 is finally gone-and now we have a brand new year to look forward too.

What am I personally looking forward to- glad you asked here we go:

*A closer walk wih God

*Spending more time in His presence

*Healing from Marcus' past

*Meeting my husband- God willing

*Helping parents with special needs children

*Continuing my education for counseling

*Improving my skills as a manager for work

*Working out atleast 3 times a week and eating right

*20 year high school reunion

*Teaching Sunday School

*Taking time for myself atleast 1x a month

*Reaching others for Jesus

*Spending more time in His word and praying

*Spending time with friends

This is a short list but as the days progress in the year I am sure the list will get longer.