Twas the night...

before March 1st and all through the house- not a creature was stirring except the dog was barking and the cat was purring. its all good- what is significant about March 1st- its my Bday yep yep it is- and you know what this is going to be a good year- oh you ask how old- some of you know- well I am proud to say I will be 40- it is just a number and it is all a mind set- I feel good-
so i am kinda saddened by one fact- track season for Marcus would have started tomorrow for him- but he is where he needs to be and he is getting the help he so needs- there are so many more years of track seasons- so one season missed will be worth it in the end.

so my workout tonight was good I ran 7.5% of my walk run- slowly but surely I will get there- i am so not a runner and this is a task I am bound to do- tomorrow is bike ride day and soon I will throw in swimming- pool was to cold- not sure how far I will ride tomorrow we shall see-
I also did some strength training.-

looking forward to the weekend- going away with life coachers- we will be back Saturday though
wait til i share something bizarre that happened yesterday to me - tune in tomorrow for that story-

Happy Saturday

I took this picture this morning as I did my bike ride- well ok I stopped biking for a moment to take this picture- isn't it beautiful?
it was awesome to go and see the birds waking up and the cows waking up- God has surely blessed me with the area I live in- a little of city life with a little bit of what I was use to growing up- gotta be thankful.
so some may ask how I am doing - let me begin by saying I am so glad I have people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear- we all need that and when you have those people it helps you so much- seriously it does- they love you and want what is best for you you and sometimes you just need someone to say things to you to realize things about yourself-
so are you itching to know what i found out about myself- and i am sure many of you saw it in me but you know we have to learn the hard way sometimes-let me tell you ... first i feel so good physically- it has been a very long time that i have felt this good- oh the workouts are tiring but i have more energy and my focus is so much better- working out has allowed me to refresh and restart . i have a long way to go before i get to where i want to be- now i am not talking about being a size 6 or anything- for me that is probably impossible- just physically healthy is important. taking care of me is important

ok so what did i learn that others have been trying so gently to tell me and me not listening very well. :) for essentially for 5 years i lost myself - yep where did i go ? i wrapped all of me into helping my son- or trying to help him and forgot to take care of me- what was i thinking- not sure- so i am re finding me - no nothing wacko just realizing that i am just as important as he is when it comes to being healthy in all aspects. so as i was going to church Wednesday - God and i just chatted- He was like Michele you have been in a battlefield and you have been wounded- all those who are wounded need time to heal and be made whole again- it is time for you to heal emotionally and physically from the battlefield you have been through- time for you to become stronger time for you time for you- so i am working on me-

so i m trusting those who i hold close will keep me in check and accountable- i know they will because they want to see the best in me-so time for me- it is a process- no quick fix but a diligent effort on my part

wow

Wow I did not realize I had not written all week- ok so let me see what to write- saw Marcus tuesday - he had a good day- he was having a decent week -i did however get a phone call last night- he acted out in aggression- so we shall see what today holds-

as for me not feeling 100%- i hope i am not getting the bug that is going around- yesterday I came home from work and fell asleep- we have had a few people out sick this week so I have been multitasking - maybe it has caught up with me.

Monday I ran about a half a mile I know does not sound like much but for me it is an accomplishment- i planned on running yesterday but nope - hopefully today after work if i feel ok- Wednesday I biked 6 miles-
this week for me has just been eye opening and has wore me out-

let me just say I am working on me for now-getting back to doing things for me and working on making sure I am healthy- I will blog more about what I discovered about me later but right now just the ramblings of me-

Expectation

expectation (plural expectations)

1.The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2.That which is expected or looked for.

This word got me in to trouble this past weekend- I placed my expectations on others and should never have done that- which caught me in an emotional mess. do not worry- I got a different perspective on the whole thing. Received some wise counseling which I am thankful for- made me think a lot- in which caused me to stay up way later then I wanted to but it will be fine- it allowed me to get my emotions rechecked and allowed me to view things a little differently.

this is a process for me-a work in process-

PTSD in parents with children with PTSD

This article was written for parents with children with RAD --however-this is so similar to parents who have children with PTSD- so read it and get an understanding of what life has been for me until recently

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children

by Jody Swarbrick

Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.

It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:

The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.

Visit with M

Yesterday was a busy one - got caught up on cleaning at the house- then traveled to Bradenton to visit with Marcus for an hour- we had a good visit- some minor issues while I was there as I needed to explain to him why I ask him so many questions about his days-

I brought his sunglasses in which he was thrilled and his gators sweatshirt - as you can see he put them both on- his tennis shoes made it over the fence as they flung off while they were playing kickball the other day- hopefully they will get it today-

Tuesday will be another day I will see him for therapy - I try to make it twice a week-

some may not understand why I travel twice a week to see him- here it is for you

1. He is my son and I love him to pieces despite all we have been through

2. He needs to know I love him and I will be coming to see him as well as him coming home one day

3. Think about it your son or daughter is sick in the hospital far away where would you be?

Marcus has received some cards a letters - he said 16 I believe- thank you Aunt Bekah, Mom and Dad, Aunt Lori and kids, Aunt Dee I know he appreciates them he gets a big smile on his face when he tells me he receives mail from those who love him.

Thank you to those who have tried to call- keep trying he loves to hear from you. This allows him to know that he is not forgotten and loved.

Good morning Saturday

Well - just like clock work I woke up at 5 on a Saturday- oh well I am a morning person - so I got up reorganized my dresser and closet- the laundry is going- the dishes will be done - floors vacuumed - mopped- dog walked - exercise will fit in there too- and some point today I will travel to Bradenton to see Marcus- busy day but it is - good I have the praise and worship cranked up and moving right along well except to type this-

Yesterday was good - my floor supervisor and I laughed like crazy- I will not go into detail here but we are going insane - hahaha- good times- so got my nails done after work- came home - walked the dog- called Marcus-he had a good day- even got 2 A's on his math test- his behavior was good and met his goal of no aggression for Friday- he was bubbling on the phone when I talked with him- I said you sound like you are in a good mood- I am- I told him how proud I was of him and he bubbled even more- He said Mommy - I love you very much- then I took off for a bike ride was not sure how far I was going to ride- it was a beautful night- well I ended up riding to the beginning of Meadowpointe and back which is about 6 miles or so- beautiful night-

Oh and for those sending cards and letters he has received them so thank you for sending love through the mail- he loves getting it-

excercising and family

well today after work I was able to catch up with my Uncle Bill and Aunt Mary from Pa- we just sat and talked for 3 hours and then i headed home- it was nice just to catch up with them - spoke with Marcus on my way home he had a bumpy day today and had to be removed from school today and then returned about 15 minutes later- (they do not leave the building for school)
he is working on not instigating and was kinda not successful- he told me tonight he missed me-
came home and chilled for about an hour and then took Isaac out for a walk/run (one day it will be a run/walk) i ran farther tonight then i have since starting so i am making progress :)
my dog is enjoying the run too but he is wiped out when we get home - he is getting in shape too- :)

Falling asleep

Awww- last night- we had family therapy and it went well- I actually was blessed by extra time with Marcus- he was waiting to get his haircut so he waited with me- he curled up on my lap- well as best he could he is so stinkin tall- anyways so I did what I normally do rub his back and sing to him- well next thing I know he is asleep- what a blessing to have him fall asleep on my lap- it was only for about 15 - 20 minutes but it was a priceless moment

ok so what is he working on- not instigating- last night he actually admitted he was a bully which was a good thing- therapist said that bullies usually do what they do because there is other underlying things going on in the inside. we did a facial recognition game and he is able to think things through-just needs to work on reacting and knowing what his body is doing before he does react.

He is learning about invertebrates and vertebrates and could tell me an example of each -which I thought was good

LMES

ok so i had to go get my driver's license renewed today so on the way home I took a back way and drove by LMES- ( i take weird routes from time to time) I realized that I missed the staff at LMES- why cause they are so awesome-i know i am a crazy mom who probably drove them nuts however- i am truly grateful to all of them-they have helped Marcus in so many ways not to mention helping to keep his mom sane for so long- keep doing what you all do so best- we will hopefully see you all in the fall-

in other news- i am fixing to call Marcus- we usually do a valentine's date night but this could be not possible right now-but a phone call will do

Good morning Sunday

Good morning- I woke up this morning and said I am going to ride my bike before church this morning- well- I did- 630 this morning I adventure off for my half hour bike ride- it was cool to say the least but I had the ipod going and made it through- not sure if I like morning workouts or not- at least there was no traffic on the road

Well yesterday - Lori ,Ainsley and I went to family day at Manatee- it was good- the first half they do a session with the family- it talked about substance abuse and what a good age would be to start- as early as possible- communication is essential and one of the parents said trust with verification -search the rooms- back packs etc-

then Marcus and the rest of the kids came in who had parents or family there ( not just for parents but all that love and support him are welcomed) so the session was with the kids was on active listening-we each had to tell something to one another and repeat it back to them in front of everyone ( Marcus was unsure about that part) I told him I was proud of him and loved him more then the sun in the sky ( Its what I have told him since he was first with me) He told me he loved me and I was the bestest mommy in the world- sad part is out of 60 kids only about 10 families were there-
we ate lunch afterwards and they eat well there- this was the time where the line was long and we had to wait and Marcus started to get agitated about waiting- he was hungry- as he said
he seemed to get in back in control fairly quickly but it could have gotten ugly- thankful it did not.

I am not sure what it was but after the session I was drained and came home and took a nap- so i thought for a half hour but no 2 and half hours later I woke up- guess I needed it

Now off to get ready for church- will you join us today @Celebration Church of Tampa- God is moving

I am reading a book-

I know I am reading a book- some of you may be shocked- actually as I read the book the Gentling (only in the 4th chapter) by Dr Krill- I keep reading about Marcus- I am like oh my word he is speaking of Marcus so to the tee. I will post highlights of the book and you let me know what you think that know Marcus the best.

Today is family day at Manatee- Lori and Ainsley are coming- they have a meeting with the families first then the kids come and join us and then we have lunch- hopefully M will be in a good mood.

I was not aggressive...

Ok so I asked Marcus when I was talking to him last night how his day was at school- good- he was telling me about living and non living things-
I asked if he reached his goal for the day- he said sorta- I went what does that mean- he said most of the day I did.
Mommy I was not aggressive and did not have to be restrained - I was like fabulous- he then said I was not aggressive but I instigated others and they were-I was like aye aye- I said well Thursday is another day- he said yep

Wednesday night service was good- we had a visitor in my group and he said he will be back on Sunday
Then went out with a group afterwards- I enjoy that time so much-

Happy Thursday everyone-

Wednesday

Ok so last night I went to see Marcus for family therapy-he was eating so he brought dinner with him- sandwich - salad- and pudding- oh my- all with milk- they are fixing that - he is lactose intolerant- anyways- the visit went well and I am learning about sensory integration which is pretty amazing stuff- they actually have people from USF to come down and do some research - not sure for what bit hey-
he was in a good mood- actually talked a little- he was very huggie and just sat on my lap while I rocked him- therapist was amazed how attached he is to me- this is a good thing.
we have not gotten into a whole bunch of therapy as he has only been there 2 weeks and we are all still getting to know each other
Saturday is family day in which i am going so I will let you know it goes

for me i am still exercising- did a a 20 minute walk today at work and then tonight game home and did some sit ups before I leave for church.
i take off 1 day during the week in which that is the day i visit Marcus- just am whipped by the time I come home

day by day week by week- i so believe Marcus is going to be very successful- they have an awesome team and i will work my hardest to help me with what they teach him and myself- he will be successful and so will I :)

Celebration

Yesterday was a great day at church and after- I spent the weekend with the Tobias family- took the dog and just hung out with them-

I love our Kidzone Jr kids- I love to watch them grow and learn about Jesus and how they can follow God and have their parents read them the bible because they are awesome in their memory verse learning.

Watched the Superbowl- very good game but Steelers did not win- Congrats Packers you deserved it- you played hard.

Celebrate- Marcus did his goal today - no instigating

Hope

A month or so or go I wrote the definition of hope- here in my blog- well I am going to do it again because this is what I chose for my word for the year-
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. to believe, desire, or trust

you see i was at a place where i did not have confidence in how life was going and my son was spiraling downward in a rapid speed- I was not trusting God with everything especially him- so when I received the gifts I did I realized all this and began to make changes and to trust God with my child and be confident in the outcome that I know will happen - Have Hope-

Hope yes it is happening I am becoming full of hope as I begin to trust God and rely on Him more then myself. To listen to Him and know He has it all in control

I have a God who is faithful and friends who remind me of the Hope we have in Him

oh wow 30 minutes

yeah an hour drive and I spent 30 minutes with my son- was I frustrated was i hurt yes I did shed a tear or two- why because all week it was like when are you coming to see me and when I got there it was more important to go outside then see his mommy - he saw me he hugged me real tight and then said ok I wan to go outside- made me feel so special (not)

I did get some good things from the therapist in regards how they work with the kids which is awesome- i did get some hugs and kisses which was aweseome- but I wished for a little more time.

However- as I was reminded by uncle adam and coach gig- that Marcus got what he wanted he wanted to see me and make sure I was still there and once he knew that he was fine- but what about me I wanted a little more time. I know it is just the first week -

He is working on his goals but has not accomplished them yet as he says- I am glad he was honest with me-

so Tuesday is another day -hopefully he will want to spend a little more time with me

Ok to Good

Wednesday night at church as I was talking with the Curries I realized I am not ok- I am good- you see over the last 3 months people would ask how I was doing - and my answer was I am ok-just ok not good not great just ok- but when I was speaking to them I was like I am better then ok this week I am good
so for those of you worried about me stop- God has everything in control and I am looking after myself - I may need to be reminded or you may need to get on my case about not excercising but do not worry - I am good- and each day each week I will get better.

Do not ever give up

Daniel 10:1-14. Take a look at that and realize that from the very first day Daniel prayed, an angel was sent forth with the answer, but it 21 days to get there, and he had to pray things through to the finish line. When Daniel prayed, demonic forces rose up and warfare broke out. All this was to try to hinder the prayer from being answered. This is why it's important to pray and not give up. What if Daniel would have given up (taken from PDs message)

PD preached on this last night- and in the group I lead we were amazed about how angels are sent forth with the answer as soon as we pray- you know we read scripture often times and miss things- it was eye opening - that God sends his angels as soon as we start to pray- He is there -do not ever give up on praying - God will and is answering just keep pressing in until your breakthrough happens

We had a breakthrough in our family because I did not give up and those around me did not give up in praying- Marcus is getting help intensive help because our prayers never stopped until the door was busted wide open-

NEVER GIVE UP- God is listening - he sent angels with an answer as soon as you spoke

Morning world

Its Wednesday- church tonight- its going to be awesome-
took the dog for a walk last night (fluffy- actually Isaac) was tired from the walk- it was only 25 minutes- i guess he is just as out of shape as me- cause today I am sore from situps- i guess that means i need to do more tonight before church.
I will get a work out in before church -i had planned on doing it before work today but did not sleep too hot-
spoke with marcus last night he wants me to come see him- i said not til friday- he misses his momma which is fine- he sounded pretty good- so its one day at a time- this is definately a good thing- more as i think of it- i needed this as much as he did for me- as i work out i am realizing how much i needed this time for him to get the help he needs- God is good - thank you for your provision God