Things I learned in 2008

Okay I know some of you have seen this on PDs blog and so I stole the idea from her- So here we go.

1. Helping others is a passion I have
2. With God all things are possible
3. We have the victory and we have overcome
4. Asking for help is definately ok
5. Having great friends in your life is life saving
6. God gives you strength when you think you have none left
7. Through the valley there are friends praying for you and having enough faith for you
8. That laughing and crying through moments of diffculities is okay
9. Venting to friends is so helpful
10. Realizing you are not alone in this world is an amazing feeling
11. That I can get up in front of people and teach (not just kids either)
12. Stepping out - you will be amazed how God will use you
13. Children act out in anger and sometimes they really do not know why
14. PTSD is not a fun thing to live with
15 However medication to help is great
16. Therapy sessions are really helpful -
17. I can still keep up with the young man when he takes off
18. A little bit of time in someone's life can be life changing
19. Teachers are great
20. I am still learning to relax more
21. Being uneasy at home is not a good feeling
22. That God has placed people in my life for such a time as this- I am so thankful cause they are just the right ones
23. Your friends are as close as your heart
24. I can do all things through Christ who strentghens me
25. Anger outbursts have no reflection of how I am as a mother
26. Anger control for a child can be difficult
27. Consistency is the key to success for Marcus
28. God has a plan
29. Heart wrenching decisions can change your life forever
30. The love of friends is so wonderful

There is so much more but this is just a few- Happy New Year everyone- This is a brand new year! (well as of midnight tonight)- I am so looking to saying goodbye to 2008 and hello to 2009.

Yes- the past year has been a difficult one- but knowing I made it through means God has amazing things yet to come.

Its really quiet...

Well- I spoke with mom today and Marcus had a really rough morning but managed to get his act together and work outside helping papaw and Mr Clark build a shed- I know that today was a signifcant day for Marcus he needs male bonding time- and I am sure that did him a world of good. Thanks Dad and Clark- I am sure he enjoyed it so much.

Well for me it is very quiet- I have just been chillin and puttin things away from Christmas- should finish up tomorrow and Thursday- can not wait to get off tomorrow cause then I do not have to return to work until Tuesday.

I am including some family photos we got done before Christmas- was unable to share earlier because mom and dad read my blog and it would have blown the surprise.

Went out childless...

Last night I went out childless - actually went out not to friends house but out to a movie with the Shrodes and Garlands- then grabbed a bite to eat- had a great relaxing time and did not have to worry about what time I got home to relieve a babysitter or if anything was wrong- such a relief- and much needed break-
did not really realize how much I needed it til I was driving home-

So if you are a single parent and do not get out with other adults and no children - I highly recommend it

Christmas Day in review

Well- the day started off with the kids up about 630 or so- Marcus opened his first gift with a note attached regarding his behavior - his first gift rocks-the letter told him that Santa was sad about choices he had made and the gifts he left mommy knows where they are located-Breathe because I know you are angry about the first gift- He did get angry he kicked the bag of rocks-but recovered after me speaking with him and then had a delightful rest of the day (minus a 20 minute meltdown at5 tiredness and overwhelming set in) The letter told what good choices he is able to make and he can do it- He can do it I know he can-

Happy Birthday Jesus

Help us all to remember the true meaning of Christmas- Thank you Jesus you are the best gift ever- Happy Birthday

He is only mine for a moment

I need to make it the best moment I can- my prayer is that I can give him the roots he needs to become whatever he wants to become- I pray that I can teach him about the amazing God we serve and how much he has brought us through-

So thankful for a new day

If I could have ended the day yesterday it would have been at 9 am yesterday- I think I had 2 hours of good behavior and then the rest was absolutley horrendous- really it was - at 4 pm enough was enough. I missed Ainsley's b-day party and missed everything about it- rage had set in and nothing was bringing him back- I tried everything- I think he just wore himself out.
But inspite of the horrible Sunday today has been fabulous- so different -
So I am thankful for a new day- afresh day- he has been very sweet and very respectful
Well got much to work on- keep praying that he works on his anger control- I know he can do it it - I know he is able to do it- I know he knows what to do- just keep praying that his past stops resurfacing

Going to the Chapel....

someday- here are my thoughts lately on marriage and getting married-

First let me just say - no there is no significant other in my life right now- just thoughts that have encircled my mind over the last couple of weeks

for those of you that are single- as PD has said and I truly believe- single is a whole number- you need to be confident in yourself and fulfilled in yourself before ever thinking of marriage- (this is my opinion ) and I am writing as a single woman of many years so I think I have some perspective on it. Have I always been confident in myself no way- In my 20s I wanted to be married start a family yadada well let me tell you I am still not married and that is okay -well.... we come back to that

I had to come to grips that is okay not to have a man by your side- for me I had goals and wanted to accomplish them and if I was married - and a mom I am not sure I would have been able to- I wanted to have children but was not looking and still am not looking for a husband (hopeful though) Getting married just to have kids is so wrong - in my opinion why caus I did not have to get married to have a child 100s of children are out there waiting to have a loving mom or dad and you can do it as a single person-

For me I think this was best - for the first 3 years- me being a single mom - why you ask- because I coudl devote the time to Marcus that he needed - strictly for him- no husband in the way- Marcus needed that . God has a plan for a reason and as I look at my life things follow in the not so normal way- and that is okay. So if you are single be okay with it be fulfilled with who you are- you can make a difference-

As for me - I am now ready to settle down with a husband- just waiting- I have made a specific list of what I am looking for- nope not going to share- that is between me and God- I have where and what time I want to get married-(the wedding) shoot I have been planning for many many years and can not wait- I do get frustrated at times but I realize that it was not time for me- In my heart it is time for me- maybe not today or tomorrow but I can say I am ready- nervous you bet-but I look forward to staying up late watching tv with my husband our hopes and dreams and future- cuddling up in front of our fireplace (this is a dream) walking hand in hand on the beach- worshipping God - praying together-doing minstry together- having the same love for kids and youth and special needs families. I am no ordinary person you see- I am extraoridinary and am looking forward to having an extraoridnary marriage- I am anticipating it. Do not know when but will be looking forward to it.

So let me just reiterate be confident and fulfilled in the person you are before you get married- take care of you so you can later take care of your marriage.

Home Sick today

Not me I am not home sick - Marcus is- we missed church last night because the boy had a fever of 100.2 he normally just gets colds this is a first with a fever. so we stayed home- poor guy- he looked pathetic but he passed his belt test

His fever went down by 10:30 last night but was back this morning- gave him some applesauce this morning and then about 1 he asked for some lunch which means he is feeling better - right now he is making his bed and doing some homework.

Fever is down for now and hopeful that it will stay down

So I have been some work from home and working on reorganzing the kitchen and cleaning the downstairs area- almost finished- must get back to work-

Interesting blog to come in the days- just thought that have been going through my head - just going to share

12 Days of Christmas

I love this group- this was done 10 years ago and the group just reunited and made their first Christmas CD- they were a group of college kids - Enjoy and all they sing is acappella

Can I be honest?

Some of you are going to read this and go WHAT!
I do not like this time of year- I love celebrating Jesus' birth but all the overstimulation has put my some into overdrive and I have had enough- so why does it have to be this way? Why
It is all the commercialism that has himover the top- so over the top- all the parties etc etc-
I love to go to parties but for him it means disaster the next day-
I enjoy my time with friends cause it is very relaxing- but then I have a price to pay for several days post-
what to do?
The last 2 days have been horrendous really they have and as Christmas gets closer ugh
Just be obedient- do what you are asked- stop mouthing back- be respectful focus on what you are suppose to be doing-
I am physcially-emotionally and mentally drained- I do not like this feeling it makes me not want to celebrate- Just being honest
I love Jesus but can we just nor overstimulate

I am so excited

Last night and tonight (especially today-THANKS Lori, Dakota and Marcus) for helping with our Sunday School project- I have been working on a lesson and will be so excited to share it with the kids- we will be talking about the 3 gifts Jesus received and what they meant-or I should say mean- then we will be giving out small gifts to those who are there-I want the kids to truly understand what the gift means and why they are so significant- then I want them to be able to give a gift - small but it has a significant saying on it-it tells the following

Gold- roylaty Jesus is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords

Frankincense- purity or divinity- He is the Son of God Son of Man

Myrrh- used for embalming- He was Crucified for you and me

I can not wait to explain this to the kids and then have them pass out these simple little gifts- I made quite a bit and hopefully have enough for every family- if not oops- I do have a special one just for a special family - Marcus made it.

Its a beautiful evening

I am on my porch right now listening to my ipod anywhere from Christmas Songs to Worship songs- I love it-

Just finished working on my Sunday School lesson- I am excited about it- talking about the 3 gifts Jesus was given at his birth and what they mean- I learned something- and some of the church will be surprised before service- Can not wait-

It is so nice out here- I am listening (besides my ipod) listening to the rustling of the trees with the wind- it is cool and Isaac is hanging out with me making sure I am okay-

It is a quiet night- Marcus went to bed early he was tired - usual is after service Wednesday Night and up early the next day- had another wonderful day today- no issues today at home- I love it- and truly believe this is my miracle I have been waiting for- I know he is not perfect but you have got to understand what a joy it has been to be able to have fun with him and know he is not going to go off- I can sense when they are going to occur now and we had a couple the last few days but nothing like before and they were over very quickly - with in 5-10 minutes that is so awesome. I still take each day by day and try to move on past them- sometimes it is hard cause the booger wears me out. Well tonight he is worn out and all is quiet

I am thankful that I have a great support team- from my family- (this includes church family) -friends- therapist -teachers- psychiatrist- martial arts instructors- he is getting consistent things said to him and I am so glad he is finally getting it

God is so good- thank you God for touching my son- I am so amazed how awesome you are!!!

What's going on?

Well - things to be humming a long here- work seems to be going on a better path- you know sometimes I am way to hard on myself- see people it is not just about Marcus it is everything I do- Last week I was feeling inadequate about my new position and was just feelin overwhelmed with everything- I emailed my supervisor and she gave me glowing remarks from the Drs I work with - who knew- . There is still so much to learn and it seems like when I have one thing mastered something else shows up that I had no clue about- ugh-So after I receieved her email I relaxed and priortized again revamped and refocused and so far this week has been better- I am getting things done- oh my I did not realize how much paperwork and tracking of things you had to do-plus on top of that I need to make sure all the animals are well cared for and the Drs follow up on my request as part of the veterinary team.

So it is a learning process and I am very thankful they feel that way-

Marcus seems to be doing well with school and both his before care and after care- yeah for him- we did have a meltdown yesterday afternoon and a little bit of attitude this morning and afternoon - it all goes back to not getting want he wants- deal with it kid-they were over quite quickly so that I can deal with.

Fixing to go to the best church ever- come check us out Northside Assembly - http://www.northsideag.org/ you will love it

Fall....

I had the pleasure of watching the leaves in the yard across the street fall from its branches- I was watching as I was walking Isaac and I began to thank God for the fall- because in the fall the leaves fall off and the old is gone- and as the spring approaches a new life begins- While I was just admiring the beauty of some of the fall colors we have here in Florida- God spoke to my heart and said do you realize what I am doing - Of course I went huh- just like the leaves of the trees that are old and need to fall away to become new- Marcus' old life is falling away and he is becoming new- and leaves fall at different times just like the things in Marcus' past are falling off at different times- but hold on to the promises I have for him hold on to the promises I have told you about him- the spring is not far and new life is already beginnning in him-

You won't believe it-update

We had a women's get together and a CE get together on Friday and Saturday night- and I sat and listened and talked at both get togethers- (one of which we talked about being grateful)
As I sat there in both gatherings I realized how blessed I truly am- the people I am with are terrific. I sat there with tears in my eyes at both thinking this year has been extremely hard and I am so grateful that I had some of these people lifting me and Marcus up in prayer in the lowest point of our valley.
I amnot going to dwell on the valley part of the year but I need to tell you - how grateful I am for it- going through it was the toughest part but as I look back that time it has brought me to a whole new level of who I am. As Bernie told me that Wednesday night when Marcus was in the crisis unit- if this does not kill you it will make you stronger and I truly believe that I ama much stronger person from it- I was strong before but this is a whole different level- and a whole different way- I can't remember a lot of what was said to me at that time- but I do remember the fact when Pastor Larry said this has no reflection on you as a mother-that statement stuck to me like glue and at the moment he told me I did not realize how much of an impact it would have on me- I am thankful so grateful to the Tobias household- allowing me to take up residence on their floor for a week- not being able to function and telling me this is a new beginning- again the signifcance of that statement was not realized until recently when I could look back and see- not only for Marcus but for me as well-a new beginning of making sure I am able to work with him- and fight for him- counsel him when he is not in therapy-
I am thankful for PD and Melissa- and Cathy for holding me up in prayer and having the Faith that I needed to get through - through their prayers- I am thankful for Lori who sat with me for hours contemplating the decision and finally making the decision- she was there to help restrain him and make phone calls and just be there to ask if I was ok- she drove from Clearwater one night for a 10 minute visit at the unit. I am grateful that the mental helath staff in the ER listened to a mom- the month of September was a rebuilding of faith- I did not give up- and I never will- yes being in the trenches is what I am grateful for this year- no I am not crazy- it felt as if I was at certain times-
I am stronger from it- I am back in school because of it- I am more of an advocate because of it- I speak out because of it- I want to help kids even more because of it- I want to help parents because of it-
Realize we all go through tough times but what you make of it is up to you- I am not saying it is still not tough cause we have had moments but when you beging to see the outcome of your determination you began to realize how grateful you are that God allowed me to go through it to make me a better person then I was before September 1 2008

Building Snowman in Florida

Thanks Grannie for giving Florida kids a chance to a build a snowman- he enjoyed it

What a week

This week has been wonderful- the best week as far as behavior ever- no really- you may not understand what I am talking about but he truly is the best ever- Before care earned all his points this week- School earned all his points this week- after care no problems this week. Did well in Martial arts- Home- except for a few minor meltdowns (minor real minor) he has been fabulous- like the switch was finally turned on or something-it is God- that is all I can say

So I call the before care after I pick him up to see how his Friday went-Miss Kim was like I was going to call you and I went inside my head oh no- (please understand normally those phone calls are not good) so I said really she said I want to tell you how proud I am of Marcus- I was like really- she said today another child hit him while they were playing legos and Marcus walked away- she said she was not there so she asked the other teachers what happened and what did Marcus do- they said he walked away- so she called him over and he thought he was in trouble but she said Marcus what happened this morning and he told her and she gave him a BIG hug and said I am so proud of you and the choice you made- you controlled your anger- Good job- She said he got the biggest grin- as she was telling me this my eyes began to fill with tears and really they are beginning again- this is HUGE- some may not realize it but this is a breakthrough- he walked away- he walked away-

My heart is filled with so much - how proud I am of him- how thankful I am to people who have not given up on him-it has taken over 3 years to get to this point- and I am so proud- this is the best Christmas gift I could ever receive - no amount of $ could ever take this away.

Stay tuned for tomorrow- I want to write about what I am thankful for during this time-you may be surprised

Its a Stellar Day

Behavior is good

I am proud to say we have had a good day- well Marcus behavior wise has - from the start of the day to the finish of the day- very minor things but he was good- I thought we were on a verge of a meltdown at Martial Arts today but he surprised me he thought about it before he reacted- he is listening it is sinking in- day by day- baby steps
So proud

just when I think I have it

Breathe- just when I think I know what I am doing with Marcus- he throws a wrench in the plan- the last 2 evenings have been I do not want to do my Hw I do not want to eat that for dinner- oh normally or normal children would have just gotten upset and went off to their room- oh no- scream holler I want..... cry carry on- scream at me some more- I wish I was nto your son- stab in the heart(not really those words hurt me even though he says it in anger)-
Mornings have been real good it is these after karate and working on dinner and HW the last 2 days are going to drive me over the edge-
I am a little tense right now so this is my venting- he seems not to get it about it is not about what he wants - tonight especially he was told what he needed to do and here we are over an hour later-
UGH- Breathing- He is calm now and guess what he is doing his HW- why did he not want to do it- he did not understand it- did he tell me that - NO!!! he just got angry.

I am so tired

The past 2 nights my sleep has not been very good- not sure why- I have lots racing in my head - Christmas- classes- work- Marcus' behavior- house work that needs done and keeps piling up-
etc.
This morning I woke up and said I really do not want to go to work- just feeling a little inadequate there for some reason- not sure why - hopefully this week I can get caught up and focus on some stuff that has not been looked at- Being thrown into something and not knowing what your doing is a little unsettling so it has taken a lot of time to figure things out- too much time in my opinion but I think I am my own worst enemy when trying to accomplish things- anyway I am hoping today goes quickly and not to crazy at work-