I am not sure how I want to begin this and it may only be a part 1 blog-but it may be a doozie of one.
If you have a friend that has a child with issues- a child with special needs have them read this the friend not the child-
I am going to be honest with you because I am looking back - and the reason I am looking back is to show you and to help you realize how far we went before coming to where we are now. To allow us to see where God was right in all of it this whole time- to realize that we go through a valley or a deep deep deep deep deep deep hole in the ground for a reason-
Crab a cup of coffee and hold on this could be a long and bumpy ride-
Are you prepared- cause I am in typing mode now-
Let me begin by looking at summer and thinking the schedule change was the cause of his spiral downwards- as a mom did I miss something- maybe- what could have I done different- He was not behaving at the Y when he had fun stuff to do- he was not behaving with Sarah even when it was sturctured and he made the schedule- we even had a major meltdown and DW- what did I miss anything- he was a downward spiral and I was losing sight of what was going on - others said after the fact they noticed it but was unsure what was going on too- The increases of agitation on Sundays and the weekends were so not him. Acting out in not the normal places- hurting family members with no apparent reason but cause he was angry.
There is so much I want to say but let me just begin
I t really all begin that Sunday when he was out of control and I needed a brake- we went to Adam and Brenda and just chilled I literally was toast- I could not think could not function and just wanted a break-
It was just not a good day- I was at my breaking point of handling him- When you feel that you can not be alone with your child there is a problem-and you need to get help. I waited til the next day to make my decision- when i say all day I did til about 530- Lori came over and stayed with me and we were waiting- I felt kinda numb and at one point she is like what are you going to do-I know what I need to do- but I am not wanting to do it at this moment. This thought went over in my head many mnay times during the day because he was having a good day-
What finally made the decision was I did not want my sister to leave so I was not alone- Why should I feel that way- I believe it was at that point I said it is time- all the while we told Marcus we were going to get him help ( he was fine during this whole day)- which made my decision even more gut wrenching.
I remember packing his bag and mine cause I knew we were not coming home that night the feeling overwhelmed me-and really not expressable- I packed up Marcus and the dog and we headed to Adam and Brenda's so Lori could drive us to the ER. As we were driving I called Pastor Larry and Deanna and let them know what was going on- the only thing I remember PL telling me is this is no reflection on you as a mom.
We drop the dog off and head to the ER- all the while Marcus is behaving great- I am like God please please let him have a meltdown- or something- I am not crazy this is life thatg I lead daily with him and I need someone else to see it. Well it began in the car and I was like thank you God- for allowing this to happen you confirmed I am doing the right thing.
He was fine checking in- and waiting- I spoke to one of the nurses and he asked why he was there and I told him of his aggressions and even showed him my knee of where he hurt me- we waited I am like okay they are going to think I am nuts he is behaving great-
Was this a mistake bringing him here.
We were sitting there watching TV - and Iw as like God please have him show himself- so God answered in a big way- big way- all because of a crayon - so simple- please stop trying to poke my face with the crayon or I will take it away- well it got taken away and wowzers off the wall-I got punched at- my jaw got hit I was bitten - yelled at- slapped - I was trying to restrain him and all the while I am thinking thank you Jesus but I really need help right now-the staff was great - asking if I neede help and I looked at Lori and said go get the security officers - okay they did nothing helpful- he got loose from them - I was sweating and exhausted - but for some reason the adrenaline kept me going-Lori somehow grabbed his arms I grabbed his legs- and dropped him to the floor- whew finally on the floor and held-
One of the staffers said keep doing what you are doing help is on the way- great where was the help 1/2 hour ago- I am exhausted. I laughed when he said cause it was funny but really where was the help in holding him.
So mental health came down and another meltdown occurred- big time- they are seeing him how I have seen him- and this is later in the night when he should have been sleeping so- he was at the breaking point- and they wrapped him - my heart sank but I knew it was needed- and when they made the decision to Baker Act him the feeling really did not hit til later. Lori was making phone calls while Marcus and I watched TV- they gave him something to help calm him-
I think at this point I did call Pastor Larry and Pastor T called- they spoke into my life however I do not remember what they said - sorry - I was completely numb and overwhelmed and at this point I just wanted some encouragement because I was bottoming out- fast-My world was becoming something I did not know of- realize I am writing after the fact of all this being done.
about an hour or so later -Marcus was having another meltdown- and then snap back to I want to pray for the baby- My thought was what in the world -wild man sane man wild man-
So what are my thoughts at this time- I am so so glad that I finally made the gut wrenching decision- each time there was a meltdown it confirmed for me the right decision- the much needed decision.
so we were waiting and then the ambulance came to take him to the crisis center- I was brave and strong until they rolled him out the door- what did I just do- saved his life and mine- but why do I feel so horrible-
these were my thoughts-
As he was in the crisis center my mind was not functional at all and for me I did not like that feeling whatsoever I had to have others think for me ask questions take over my Fusion group- all week this was me- a vegetable- thinking how is this going to change will I feel safe when he comes home- honestly I did not feel comfortable the first night so again we stayed with the tobias'
Am I going to be able to trust him- how- am I going to deal with this on my own what if he comes after me-
I had to live through that to realize that several factors have occured during this time-
Marcus got help- most important- I realized there is nothing like doing something like this to someone you love for their benefit to help them- no matter how much it hurt you- My strength only came from God this week- and the faith of friends lifting us up in prayer walking beside me- and carrying us when needed-
Marcus received finally the meds that are working for him- so much-
We have overcome so much in this last month- God surely had his way on it all-
I have truly learned to ask for help when needed and not wait til you are at your breaking point-
I know God is working and can still heal Marcus of all the wounds he entailed as a young child
Things are getting better and finally I feel good -truly- in my heart - we will still have bumps but I truly in my heart of hearts know we will make it-
I think often of where Marucs would be now if God had not chosen me as his mom- He knew Marcus need someone that would fight for him to be who God created rather then the environment
Day by Day - Moment by Moment we will and have overcome the worst month ever. God is so real so faithful
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