Oh so glad tomorrow is Friday

Purple tulips are my favorite

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just look forward to the weekend- I do not have anything special planned-just a chill day on Saturday after early grocery shopping- may go to the park not sure yet-

Nothing major happened just want the week over- I am tired for some reason.

One of my coworkers-is taking me out for lunch tomorrow- for my birthday- I thought that was so kind-

I have my house to get back in order from painting- got somethings on the walls but still have things to put away- but my energy is zapped-

so I decided tonight to clean out the car- I need to vacuum it but I did clean it out-

I have laundry to get done-

But papers to file and working on my Sunday School lesson- read it yesterday- it is the last in our sex series for the junior and senior high class- let me tell you- I wasnot sure how they would take it but the conversations have been real respectful- real honesty- I am proud of our youth- they have their heads on straight- oh they are not perfect but they know what is important to them.

I have really enjoyed teaching on a subject I have not a lot of knowledge on-

Approaching this weekend..

This weekend I get another year older- wiser- I would think so- tireder (is that a word) yes this too. but my life is fulfilled- I have a wonderful son ( I know I know- it is hard but GOd created him so he is wonderfully made) A great career- wonderful family- and the most spectacular church family out there.

I am teaching the best Sunday School Class ever- we have great discussions and I believe they are taking something home with them each week even if it is one tidbit of information.
I have the best pets anyone could ask for - always there when you need that wake up morning nose in the face.

I am learning- learning how to be a better Godly mom- learning how to be a better parent- learning how to let God handle the situations through being a praying mom.

I have through my experiences with Marcus been able to help others via this blog- we are not alone - to those of us raising special needs children-
I have the best friends anyone could ask for- providing guidance -love -support- shoulder to lean on- or just give me a swift kick to get me back on track.

Yes life is fulfilled- God is in control and things are good even in the midst of tough times

Marcus is in the class that will help him deal with his behavioral problems- this is a great sense of relief- a heavy burden lifted more then anyone could imagine-

So I am approaching this weekend as I turn 37 (where has the time gone) fulfilled and knowing that God is the best at what He does and the true guiding hand- Be still today for a moment and know that He is still God- tell him you Love Him- Look to Him for the guiding hand - he knows what is best-

Stop trying to be perfect...

I have this problem- I am working on it- believe me I am - I try to be perfect at almost everything I do- I set goals for myself and attain them. So far I have done very well.
Well- the most important goal I thought was being a perfect mom- but you know there is no such thing- I know many of you that read are very close -okay maybe far from it-
But you know what you are - you are Godly moms-You are training - I am training my child to be a Godly young man of God- now whether he chooses to continue down that path is in fact his choice- I do not want to be a perfect mom why- because I have been trying to and you know what it is causing me to be overtired, overstressed, and emotionally drained. I can however be the best Godly mom possible. still not perfect but raising him to Love God -which he does so much - he sings to him all the time - that is good- even when he wakes me up.
You know I got some wonderful guidance today- allow me to share with you - most of what I said above was guidance- sometimes we all need some- I know I need a lot when it comes to parenting- I wish there was a manual - I know there is it is the BIBLE. but you all know what I am saying- a child that was raised in foster care possibly abused (more then likely) had adhd, impulse problems and can be aggresive you can raise them like this.... not so easy -I wish.

I am working on not trying to please others for how I parent- because honestly how I parent my child is so different from how you may parent yours- we all have unique kids- and even in the same family you may have to parent each child differently- that is one reason why I only have one- okay not really -if I had 2 I am not sure if I could survive-

I am being honest here- I have picked way to many battles with Marcus- why because I wanted him fixed done with his past over all gone by by. Well that is not going to happen overnight- it could by the grace of God and I believe that God is just waiting for me to stop being so stubborn and trying to handle it all on my own. Why do I do that- he knows exaclty what Marcus needs-

At times I do feel like I am alone in this parenting world-sometimes I feel I am like when will we get a breakthrough - am I really making a difference- I am failing as a parent. I come home I battle with him after work - I know this was my choice- I know I wanted to adopt- I know no one said it was going to be easy- I have learned. However it is so rewarding when he is doing well- you see today was a very off very off day for him - he did not get a star in his class today (this was a first in 28 days) and I got a phone call- it is harder when he does poorly for sure- but I am so thankful he is in that class.

Before you all start sending me comments I know I am not alone- okay maybe- it is that I can do alone single mentality I have- I know I have a wonderful wonderful wonderful full of love an concern church family and wonderful caring and supportive loving extended family. I am learning more and more to ask for help-
So those that read this from my wonderful loving chruch family- I love you all and one day may ask you to help so I can have a day to myself- or just with other adults-I love when I have leaders meeting or CE meetings or life coaching- that is my time with just adults- it is so wonderful- I love him topieces but we all need time away from the children. I think as asingle parent we need more time- why because there is only one of us handling everything- from the every day things to do all through emergencies that may occur- bills to be paid- etc etc

Not sure where this blog is going I think I am just rambling now- if any of this made sense to you feel free to comment me-

It is okay to make mistakes...

These were the words from my good friend Bernie ( a big brother - one of 2 that I have) when he told me this I was really unsure what he was talking about- because I know Marcus had a little bit of a rough patch in the morning Sunday - which physically drained me to where I was shaking. But with the help of big brother Adam we were able to work it through.

Anyway- I kept thinking about the day and thinking where did I make a mistake in how I dealt with it- I was calm - yes I had a hold of him but I really was not angry-
Well I found out later that night what mistakes I have been making by big brother Adam in(in the course of the past weeks)- it so nice to have people in your life that can say hey this is what I am observing and relax-

So guess what I am not perfect- I guess I have been striving to be the perfect mom - and causing myself to become overwhelmed over tired and just consumed by everything Marcus does. Adam said you have directed him and disciplined and guided him over the past 2 1/2 years with strict reins give him a little slack and you relax- let each moment that occurs pass by and stop holding on to past occurence- each day is new and stop going backwards- you know I was like but -- stop worrying about the but what if, focus on the day. He is doing well in school and now it is my turn to relax and learn.

Is it that important that he walks - he will learn he will fall and get hurt- is it that important he eats slowly- one day he will choke and slow down-

For me - I had to have him so strict when he first came into my home that I guess I just have let up - so this morning- I let up- and gee you know it was a nice morning -

Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth but sometimes you need to hear it so you yourself can change for the betterment of your family-
I am thankful for big brothers like Adam and Bernie- they are 2 of several men that Marcus absolutely adores at church and I am so thankful for both the Tobias family and the Currie Family for their guidance, love , and support and sometimes a little swift kick.

I am not perfect- I began reading a book last night about a praying parent - and it nailed me right on the head -
I will write about that later -

Remind me to those who read - it is okay to make mistakes and relax- sometimes I need to hear even if I do not want to

At home today..

Marcus is not feeling well so I kept him home today- he was off school yesterday for President's day but was at the Tobias household- I picked him up and he had dark circles under his eyes and very nasally. through the night he was coughing- there have been several people sick at work so I may have carried it home to him- so today for him a day of sleeping. Hopefully that will get him on the rode to recovery- (this could account for him not behaving as well-if only he would just say he is not feeling well)

So let's chat for a few moments while I have some time.

A topic of discussion-hmmm-
Feeling a little like a target- why - well Marcus had a very rough Friday at his before and after care- Now we all know Marcus is not always well behaved- however he usually reacts when someone else has done something- although most children react and they are done - but Marcus does not. I was a little upset the staff did not know a little bit about his history- why do I fill out that information if they are not informed- why do they not get all the information from what happened- yes I am defending my son and I spoke with the care site and expressed how I felt- I agreed with the fact Marcus should not be hitting but he should also not be provoked- I was informed they were having problems with him in the morning- Why is this the first time I am hearing about this?- needless to say I was not a happy camper- Why do they wait until something like the explosion on Friday happens- I could have reititerated behaviors as we went- now I am aggravated cause I was not told- and upset with the fact Marcus is unable to express to me what is going on so I can help alleviate the situation.
Marcus has a difficult time making friends- kids know what his pressure point is and then they see him get in trouble- I am aggravated at the kids what are their parents teaching them- I get to annoyed when a child comes up to me saying Marcus did not have a good day- I just want to say well if you were raised the way he was you would be the same way- mind your business kid. I do not do this but come on- they do not know- parents do not know- so do not go and judge my child because of his actions- this is a learned behavior taught by a parent and no not me- I am sorry my child seeked revenge on yours but teach your child to be kind and compassionate- I am instilling that in mine - it is just taking time for him to comprehend it when he was brain washed for a little over 4 years of his life- Can you tell I am a little frustrated!?
UGH

I have the best Sunday School Class

My class is the best- Why- because -
They were so helpful Sunday- I bet they did not realize it- Marcus was having a very troubling morning and I had to basically pick him up and flop him on the floor to restrain him in class ( this was the 2nd or 3rd time) I was exhausted and out of breath- I asked Jordan where PAstor T was. He knew and helped or actually carried my son up to the office- I was worn out and Pastor T and Pastor Larry took over- I love my family. Just have to remember more often they are there. Sometimes I feel I can do it all by myself- NOT!
Anyway- we got back to class - I got my composure together and we had prayer and they prayed for Marcus- we have had good discussions in class lately-
I will summarize in a later blog.

Then service we talked about being a devoted parent- it was very good - very good in deed

After service my youth ( my kids ) spoke with my son- he apologized for his behavior to all of them he could find- and of course they all reminded him to listen to me and at school and they are truly a blessing to me-
Really they are so to my Sunday School class - I love you guys- you are the best

Love is...

Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
proud, or rude.
Love isn't selfish
or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep a record
of wrongs that others do.
Love rejoices in the truth,
but not in evil.
Love is always supportive,
loyal, hopeful,
and trusting.
Love never fails!

Love Him I do more then the sun and the moon and the stars- but agree with how he behaves no way- I know he has had more good days then bad- I am thankful for that but this week has been a very rough one- Wednesday Night at service it took me about a half hour before we were able to get to service - why he was so out of control- and I was physically worn out- I had to restrain him in one of the Sunday School Classrooms- by myself- he was kicking me and slapping me-then today we have have another one of those days- not as bad for me but very close

I love him- but do not like days like today-

I am not having a good day or should I say Marcus is not

Marcus' attitude in a nutshell today from the time I took him to Kids R Kids to the time I picked him up - I am done- tired - no more energy-

I was 45 minutes late for work- find out that he was hitting children at Kids R Kids in the AM after we talked - did not have a good day at school

Had an accident- was made fun of- hit a child continue to hit a child- teacher (2) then I got there was able to talk with him and get it somewhat resolved and then on the way home he turned into a posessed child really I am serious- Very angry very out of control and I was getting hot- we were not safe in the car he was kicking and hitting me while driving so I pulled over- and waited - did some pressure points and was able to get home safely all the while he was saying very very very mean things - very hurtful things- very ugly things- Right now I do not want naything to do with him - I am cool-calm actually just very over the attitude today- not sure what it is this week- but it needs to change fast-

Renovation pictures

This is Sarah's room now- after the renovation- turned out pretty good- I will put the Bucs office up at a later date

Marcus' bathroom- bright and cheerful-

My son is amazing..

I know you all probably get wow one day he is up one day he is down- well really lately we have had the majority of days up and I am so excited about that-
He is so funny he has this way of saying mommy now- which is so cute- he does it when I playing with him

He has anger issues - but you know God is giving me wisdom onhow to deal with them I do not always get it right but- more and more He is showing me how-and it is truly amazing to see how fast it works when I let God handle the situation by giving me wisdom. Case in point to day- Marcus was angry why- not sure tried all the tricks I could that normally work none- so I said Marcus when you can talk to me I will listen and we sat in the car at Kids R Kids for a few minutes- God I really do not want to sit here day what can I do?

Have him write it down- okay I will try it Marcus do you want to talk about it or write it down- He said write it down and you know as soon as he had it in his hands and was writing he was also talking about it and wowzers the moment was over- he calmed down and we talked and he could tell me everything -

Increase my wisdom Lord- and Increase his Awareness of how much he is loved

We had a heart to heart last night- he made me cry- to think someone could hurt a child that it would impact him and it be the only thing he remembers from this house. Unbelieavable- but I reassured him that no one would hurt him and I loved him- He asked me when he had to leave or go to another house- Which broke my heart- I asked him why do you think you have to go anywhere- cause that is what I use to do. I said honey you are not going anywhere- not now not anytime- Even when I get big- yes even when you get big- I love you and noone can take you from me- I got a big hug and a wahoo from him

Yesterday..

We had a good service yesterday- Good Sunday School class- thank you Miss Rosemay for educating the young people- They liked it-

Then we went out with the Tobias family for lunch and shopping for the office at their house- Good day we went down in the Brandon area- took some back roads-
All was going well- then all hockey pucks broke loose. Let me say sometimes with a child that has PTSD you do not know what will trigger an episode- I think we had one of those yesterday- we were in the area or by the area where he use to live- now please understand I am not saying this for sure but he has not had an episode like this in quite a while- Uncle Adam had to restrain him and I had to- not a pretty site- but we got things calmed down and thenwe got back to thehouse- round 1 was over - round 2 was about to begin-
went through all of that again- he spoke of what was going on and we had a heart to heart- he is concerned about the man coming back to hurt him- your heart breaks for him- I can not erase that memory - and it seems that is the only memory he has of that home-
Uncle Adam and I reassurred him that NO ONE will hurt him and that NO ONE will take him- That him and I are family- and noone can change that. Forever we will be a family and he will NEVER have to go back to that house-
We hugged and I held him last night before he went off to sleep even sang to him a bit- I do that often-
This morning was good- he behaved and was very polite-

His evaluation is in ...

Not going to go into detail about the evaluation if you want to know more email or talk to me in person- The psychologist is recommending ESE and he will be considered EBD- emotional behavior disorder- We have behavior issues but he is very smart- and you know what he will not have that EBD label for long- I know God is working in his life and healing him in God's time- I see a change-



SOme of the report was a little disturbing to me - not sitting quite will actually has me a little discouraged- I know I know we have come so far- but my question is alwaya how could someone allow this to happen to a child - he is a product of environmental issues-
To know my son did things not very nice and causing harm to others is not how I wanted to started off being a mother- really it was not-
the ringing of he does not have any behavioral problems is in my head- what were they blind- or just did not care

He is full of potential- now we have the means of redirecting his course-but today at this moment I do feel a little dismayed- I know it is just for a moment-

Are you committed?

It has been a while since I wrote - wow- did not relaize that - my evenings have gotten away from me-
So the question is are you committed? I posed this question in my Sunday School class this past Sunday-
We are talkin gabout sex and being pure before the Lord
I gave my testimony- I am not sure what they thought when they heard that it is possible to stay committed to yourself and God at my age- Not going to sway no way no how-
I told them they need to respect themselves highly and know that God wants sex to be a beautiful thing but between a married man and woman.
We talked briefly about temptations because that will be discussed later in the lessons.
We discussed that there is no other gift to give your spouse that is more valuable more priceless then you.

We prayed at the end- I asked them who was committed - who respects themselves highly and who wants to please the Lord by living a pure life and wait til marrieage to have sex-
We have 9 including myself in the class and 4 of them raised their hands- this is the beginning. I prayed with them about staying committed- be true to themselves and God- I let them know anytime they needed to talk to let me know- I have been there I was a teenager- I know what they go through-

I told them you know one of the reasons I adopted Marcus was because I was not married but wanted children.

I will keep you posted on how the rest of our studies go- this group of youth I hold dear- they are truly gems of the Lord-