Postpartum Depression..

What are you talking about - many of you are reading I am sure going whatever !

I have been meaning to write this for sometime now and now I am taking the time to write it-

Have you ever thought what adoptive mothers go through after the arrival of their child- do their hormones escalate or get depleted- does this happen to adoptive baby mothers or all mothers that adopt any age child.

Well- here is somethings that happened to me- I think it started when I brought Marcus home and probably ended around Christmas- I brought him home in July 2005- we finalized in November of 2005. Now it was not every day - this was just going on during that time period.

Honestly I was overwhelmed with emotion- I can plainly see the day I got the call- plainly see the day I met him- plainly see the day he threw the stool at me- the day I wrestled him to the ground- the day he met grannie and papaw-
I can plainly see the day of our finalization day- these were all days in the time frame mentioned above.

I was excited - I was 34 years old and I was becoming a mom- wait I was becoming a mom- I am not ready- yes I am no I am not- I am not prepared- of course I am I have watched so many kids and helped with so many kids I can do this-
I do not want to do this-I do want to do this- oh my goodness get your emotions in check woman.

Hello Aunt Lori- oh my she is becoming the aunt this time-I am the mom- wow-
my turn it is finally my turn- oh no it is finally my turn- how in the world am I going to do this alone. not alone- not even close.

The day is here- I am meeting him for the first time- I am sick to my stomach- actually as I am typing this the feeling comes back- how strange- call Lori- I was nervous - did not know what to expect-
I am in the house with my case worker- and the foster mom- Jamarcus( yes I changed his name) he comesout with his toothless grin- HI MOMMY - oh how sweet he calls his foster mom mommy- special- no he is talking to you- may day may day-- not ready for that not ready for that- we are just meeting- it all becomes so real.

The end of July comes- he comes to live with me permamently - I take 1 week off work- that was a mistake it should have been longer- I will not do that again-
okay - it is him and me for a week all by myself what to do- yeah he is finally here- oh no he is finally here.

Am I going insane - I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions- fearful why the kid was crazy with lack of social skills and obedience and discipline- oh my will I survive this- ok this too shall pass this too shall pass- God never gives us anything we can not handle - okay God but this is cutting it close-this too shall pass-

When will he be mine- when?
November 18th 2005
That is when I officially became a mom - I birthed a 4 year old weighin 45 lbs and 30+ inches long and his name Marcus John Danielson- and my figure looked pretty good- has not change much during the whole process.

I was nervous but an excited nervous at the day of signing- my family was there ( Parents, Sister, brother in law, the BEST PASTORS EVER, Adam and BRenda, Leslie and the girls, and Renee) I made it- I was there to become a mom-. oh no I am becoming a mom what am I doing- see the emotional roller coaster- then you deal with these types of emotions ...

...are you ready

a baby why not a baby- to hold and cuddle- to change diapers ( not) -
I wish I could have had him as a baby - to form that special bond that a baby has with their mother- ( we have a special bond) but I know it is not the same as a biological and their mom-
To hold him and nurture him at the most critical time inhis life- I know I can not change what happened but God sure can hold him-
What if I was there when he was younger could he have been different-

I cuddle with him now and it is so amazing- I love that time-

I was sad - I was happy- I was overjoyed - overtired- stressed beyond all measure-
was it hormonal or the fact that my life will never be the same- would I change it- not the adoption- how I did somethings you betcha-

I still get all those emotions now but not anything like he first moved in- more joyful- he makes me laugh - he makes me cry

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Last night we had prayer night at church- AMAZING to say the least- anyway- he was so good- he did praise and worship and again at the end of worship- he had the look- what is up- Jesus died- yes he did but he is alive - remember Mary Magdalene was the first at the tomb (JBQ) oh yes. He sat so nice readin his bible- reading his club jr magazines while we prayed- GOD is going to do something mighty this year in his life- I believe it and claim it