A look behind to look ahead

words to describe last year-
new
track season-
winning medals
good times
a year without being in the unit (well until October)
amazing teachers
summer vacation- awesome
growing
tested
trials
hopeless
hopeful
helpless
emotionally drained
thankful
grateful
humbled
traveling
family
tired
triumphant
diligent-
my word for the year was to thrive- and not just survive- not sure it was thriving
hurt
isolated
loved
finally realized it was time
thankful for those who care so much
glad I am not alone
heard
safe vs not safe
numb

I leave 2010 knowing 2011 has other hurdles to go over but what I came away with from 2010 more then any other year is the fact I am not alone and realize how much we are loved and cared about- how much when you ask for help- need a shoulder to cry on- a hug- someone to vent to or scream at they will be there. When you need someone to push you to make a decision that you do not want to do but know you have to do it for the best interest of your child and yourself they will help you along the way-
my heart was ripped out and thrown on the ground but certain things had to be done this year for my child - no one clearly understands what I have been through- they just understand I need my family and friends to be there for me- this year coming will be another year of trials- but yet I know I have the most amazing people in my life to help us get through and I serve the most amazing God to give me strength and wisdom

Happy New Year my friends

Hope

I received a special gift from a very dear friend of mine yesterday - it was a bracelet with the word Hope all around it and I also received a photo frame with Marcus and I in it with the word Hope on it. I really did not think about the word til today when I was at work looking at the frame with those words on it-
It made me think even tonight what this word really means- here is the dictionary definition

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
3. One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
4. often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
5. Archaic Trust; confidence.

I thought to myself I lost hope or it was not there over the last month or so or I just can not imagine but I guess I felt hopeless - not looking or expecting a positive outcome- not looking forward to what was ahead-why because I do not know what is ahead I still do not - and yet today I can be full of hope- why because there is a plan a plan to help Marcus and myself- God has a plan - and I need to continue to be confident in what He has planned- I know I may not always feel hopeful or full of hope and yet I know my friends will be there to remind me-

Thank you my dear friend for the reminder of the Hope that I have in Christ through all circumstances-

Home Alone

well Marcus spent last night and tonight with the Cole Family- not too bad with behavior - nothing but kid behavior -which is good-
today was a quick day at work- in fact all week is- since the university is shut down-
just working half days this week and then off the following week-

Today after work went for my first tea with amazing friends- I love these ladies so much- they have been my source of strength and comfort- I do not think they know how much they mean to me- words can never say-

Now home to a quiet home- snuggled in my blanket watching tv- aww ( of course it would be better if my headache would go away)

Merry Christmas!

As I sit listening to the Gaither's Christmas on TV- I am reflecting on the day and the last few days- and how thankful I am for good days-I hold them close- just because you never know when the tide will turn- I take each day as a gift now more then ever- and so blessed and thankful when they are as good as they have been over the last few days
So highlights- well Marcus asked Santa for a bell from Rudolph's neck- because he wanted to believe he was real- he wanted proof- well if you could have seen the look on his face ( I think Lori got a picture) it was truly priceless when he found the bell at the bottom of his stocking- who would have thought a small bell would bring a child that much delight.
Marcus got a football from grannie and papaw and played with that most of the afternoon with papaw and Dakota.
My son only asked for a few things and one was a bible word search- in which Santa had found and he was thrilled with that as well- it is apretty good one- I like it - not just words but the meaning of them- bible verses etc- Santa did good :)

Honestly - I was not looking forward to celebrating this year cause I truly did not know what the day would bring- but I had to trust in God today more then ever - for wisdom and guidance. More then ever I have had to rely on Him - because of not knowing which way to turn- God has His hand on Marcus- I dedicated him 5 years ago when I adopted him and need to trust God with him- He has amazing plans for him- the times we are going through now just means God has an amazing testimony for him on the other side-
So today was amazing- truly blessed by the day- I was smiling as I was driving home with tears in my eyes as I listened to Marcus play Bop it for an hour and half- it was truly a delight

TODAY

today was a great day- some issues first thing this morning but afterwards we were good to go- Marcus went with Uncle Adam this morning while I went to work and then I got him and we ran around for last minute things and he was a joy to be around we laughed and laughed- skipped across the parking lot at the stores ate- he took a nap- he did his chores with out issue we went for a walk - I cooked dinner and then we ended the night with special friends watching the Steelers. He crashed before we got to the main road from their house.
Today is a victory and I will take it -

It Christmastime

Yes it is Christmastime but why am I not rejoicing - just have not felt like it- Oh I know the reason for the season is Jesus and so thankful for Him- I would be nothing with out him.
I am trying to be positive and all and that at times I am just so tired of the dealings of a very defiant aggressive child-very demanding child- it wears you down. ok enough of not so happy discussion cause my son seems to be the topic of most of my blogs lately and how rough it has been- which it is all true- but on ward to Christmastime (okay after the last few minutes there is a twist )

Christmastime is a time for family and friends to celebrate the birth of Christ- and yet at the same time you can not trust when your son will flip the switch- and turns the day into a nightmare for all involved even though they may not say it.

Christmastime is a time for laughter and having a good time- until your son takes it to the extreme and goes wackadoodle

Christmastime is a time to travel and look at the lights around town - until your son gets upset and angry about something said in the car and begins screaming and punching the doors-

Christmastime is a time to relax and chill out and get rest- however you think about what may happen- and the relaxation goes out the window-

Christmastime I love it when it works out the way we think it should but in reality I never know what the next day will bring- what will cause a set off or what will make him calm-

My gift this year for Christmas will be the help my son needs- I hope it comes soon

What a great day yesterday

It was a great day at church yesterday- From the start to the finish was great- My favorite part was when the teens came up to hear the story - that was my part to read and talk to Marty the puppet- we have a good time :) ( talking to the puppet helps keep my sanity- i enjoy it so much)

Marcus is in the pictures too- singing (marcus is all the way to the right)

We have such a good group of kids- we that work with them love what we do

My days consist of listening

My days tend to be days that I listen to a lot of praise and worship- why cause it gets me through the days- reminding me I am not alone and God is always with me in the good time and bad- He is on His throne and is there helping me through

You are God Alone- Phillips Craig and Dean

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that's just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is

How the last week panned out

Monday- released and home-
Tuesday returned to school - however the morning was extremely rough
Wednesday - rough morning - had to be picked up at school do to wrong behaviors on the bus
Thursday- better morning- odd behavior- had to pick up because of being suspended from bus- the evening was ok- went over to dinner at Gig and Mo's (love these people- they are awesome)
Friday- odd behaviors in the am- evening was ok and then the bottom fell out and he lost control- fortunately I was not alone-
Saturday - good day- helped feed the homeless at church this morning- I do have to say Marcus loves to help.

Why am I sharing this brief synopsis- well you see the days are often not known of what could happen-the slightest of comments could alter the day to catastrophic proportions (i know that is to the extreme) but it feels that way at times- its a roller coaster ride- of good days and not so good days- it is like you never know what switch will be turned on as you wake him up- we are walking on eggshells

Praying for openings sooner rather then later- I know there is protocol but I serve a God who can open doors like no other

The things you learn- that make you think

So many of you may have known Marcus had returned to the Crisis unit on December 1st and stayed til this past Monday-
Well Marcus and I talk a lot-and so I asked him what they talk about in group- not pressing just asking- he volunteered information- He was telling me why some of the kids /teenagers were doing there- my heart sank my heart broke- for what he was telling me-

Some of the teenagers we had repeatedly seen when we were there-
He had told me the majority of them were there because they were cutters- and when he said that I was like oh really do you know what that is - he said yes- ok the things you learn- he explained it and he even said that one of them showed the marks to him- Marcus said he would never do it-which I was like good.
The one Marcus was talking about said they cut because her grandmother had died.

Most of the kids never saw visitors- some I connected with - and they were like you are Marcus' mom- I am like yep- they would give me a hug or draw me a picture-
I know we are going through a lot but if those kids just needed a hug from me - then so be it
or if the parents just needed to know they were not alone then great-if I could be a source of encouragement to others at my time of stress then fine - it helps me through

Anyway- back to the teenagers- I just pray for them - what has the world come to that teenagers have to cut themselves to feel better. I do not get it- my heart goes out to them

Wish I could bring them all home- I know then I would really go crazy - lol
Keeping them in my thoughts and prayers- God can do amazing things in their lives

If you know us

If you know us and want to know what it is all about - this blog link will tell you how life is for us http://www.storinguptreasures.com/2010/02/why-cant-i-love-my-adopted-child.html


Read it - you will get such an understanding- how I feel-

Happy Wednesday

Well- it was a very long day yesterday but a very good one- so I am happy about that - this morning we woke up a bit tired and have a bit of a tude- but hopefully he can work it out before the ride into child care- I know he will definately have a rest time before church tonight-
The moment is past and now to go to the rest of the day- praying for a good one all the way around

Home Again Home Again

Well Home Again- a little bit of a bumpy evening when it came to brushing his teeth- with a little bit of disrespect and getting an ugly attititude- but I was told bedtime is the toughest so I am trying to fiugre out how not to have attitude during this time-
That was frustrating for me -
This morning - so far so good- better then before with no weird out moments- a little sassy attitude but we will figure it all out-
One day at a time-he needs to get back in the groove of school again so we shall see what happens

Fires

We had a fire near the house last week or so- I love to watch and smell the fire- not closely - fires are relaxing to me-
so as I was walking with the dog we passed by the area - I was listening to my ipod and my praise and worship songs were on- and I stopped for a moment to look at the burnt area. As a biology major I had to take ecology and this is what I had learned from that class

Immediately after a large-scale fire, some places will have no vegetation at all and no living trees left. If the fire occurs during the growing season, some plants will re-emerge within days after the fire. After a year, a tremendous amount of new forb and grass growth occurs. Within 4-5 years, woody plants become more evident such as bushes and sapling trees. This is a successional forest, and it is an extremely important type of habitat for plants and animals - additional sunlight fosters diverse plant growth and therefore more food sources for plant-eating animals.

In essence the forest regrows thicker and lusher better then before. Why am I telling you this?

Well as I was looking - I was praying and it was like God telling me you may be going through the fire right now and things need to die (Marcus' past) so he can have a fresh - and better life ahead-I need to take more walks and have quiet time-

PTSD in parents- FYI

Marcus' Dr had mentioned parents developing PTSD when dealing with children with emotional and behavioral issues - I found this article and how it relates to children with reactive attachment disorder (not what Marcus has been diagnosed with) but those of us who deal with a child like Marcus can have the same type of struggles- read the article hmm it is so what I go through-so this is just FYI -

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children

by Jody Swarbrick

Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.

It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:

The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.

Wheres the Line to See Jesus -- Official Music Video - Music Videos.mp4

This is the meaning of Christmas- Let us remember Jesus's birth- Have you made the choice to be in line to see Jesus?

These are the words that sum up the last month

stressed
lonely
uplifted
thankful
thankful
thankful
loved
tired
worn out
what more
crazy
thoughts running
3 trips
communication
texting and more texting
caring
thoughtful
reality
decisions
quiet time
such love such support such concern
the next step
one day at a time
faith
strength
the right decision
peace
friends
family
health care providers (awesome)
rescue
small light at the end of the tunnel
this is not the way it was suppose to be
this is how it has to be
listening to the ramblings of a mom
thankful ( in know I said that) for those who have been there the last month
shoulders to cry on
friends to laugh with
hugs
Awesome school personnel
encouragement
waiting
roller coaster
standing on the word for the miracle that waits
love
caring

I really need to read my own blogs-

I actually wrote take one day at a time- what was I thinking- yep a little stressed out today- I need to get some paperwork done and praying it all comes together by Friday- I am sure it will I have amazing people helping me-just need to chill out about it- ok Michele (telling myself) one day at a time and breathe

I need to keep reminding myself

I need to remind myself one day at a time-I like to get it all done -now-but that is not how things work- so backing up a little and then regrouping- I just have a myriad of thoughts I need to get done-(not really) just feeling a little overwhelmed and need to ask questions- as they come and figure out each step- which is part of the problem- I am not sure what the next step is- so it is time to go and ask questions today in which I plan on doing-and will continue to do- never done this before - so many questions
ok breathe and take each day - one at a time

Followed the advice of friends

Ok with a couple of my friends highly suggesting to go to B and N and read a book and just relax- I did that last night - of course finding a seat was next to impossible but one opened up a few minutes into me being there-

Got out one of my books I have been needing to get through - which I did- people watched- got on the computer- looked at some music- it was actually nice- yes I was by myself- stayed there for a couple hours (my battery died on the computer)

honestly not worrying if there was going to be an outburst or such was nice- quiet time for me-

and I took a nap as well in the afternoon- which I do not normally do but it was nice just to chill out and get the rest I need-

Thanks friends!

Journey Ahead

Marcus and I have a journey ahead and for me it is uncharted waters- well this whole single parent adoptive family has been uncharted waters- I learn and grow as we go

Not going into detail what the journey ahead is for us but just know it is something that needs to be done- well that is what I keep telling myself- and many others tell me too- in reality it is true it needs to be done- I know I am not making sense.

Knowing what needs to be done does not make it any easier - honestly a piece of my heart is being ripped a part- for those of you who know me understand what I am saying and why.

So the journey is just barely beginning and it may be a long one- and a tough one for both of us. so many thoughts go through my mind-
and I know when I have questions about the journey I have those around me who can help with the answers

Photos for our 5 year Familiversary-

We had some photos taken for our 5 year Familiversary
Photos taken by Lourdes Manners

Our God Is In Control

the first few words to this song is so true right now- this is not how it was plan to be-
I know I know God is in control- so thankful right now for those who know all that is going on- what would we do with out you all