well....

this past week or so my emotions have gone all over the place- and really I am the only one who really knows- so let me share it with so you get a better understanding
the first couple of days it went from having part of my heart ripped out and feeling a lone- the house was empty
then that feeling went to being defeated (a few days he did not want to see me) - this was the same time where I kept questioning what else do I need to do or could have done- how much better of a parent could I have been and how can I become better- to feeling like a failure-
oh I have friends telling me otherwise but you know sometimes you hear the words until you keep pressing in and praying - for God to help you through-
so I had a mini breakthrough ( which was good) for me- when I spoke to the nurse yesterday and she said he flips ike a light switch and you never know when it is going to happen- I went yes finally someone gets it someone sees it-and it is not just me-
you see- he is broke (for lack of better words) and no matter how hard I try to fix him- I can't - I can not fix my son from the past from the present and from the future- how he chooses to control himself is so up to him. How he is made up was not my choice and that I can not change it

What can I do- I can trust God with wisdom on how to handle him- trust God with the resources he has allowed us to have. Keep asking -for friends just to give me a hug and let me know they are there- oh they may not know what to say or do- but knowing I can count on a hug is powerful. I can ask my friends to help me laugh -it does wonders- I can ask friends to help me stay grounded and have their perspective- some may not get it but another view is sometimes good.
I do ask my friends not to tell me they know how I feel- because again they truly do not- and my close friends they do not cause they get it. Even if you been in my similar shoes you still do not know how I feel and you will never cause my situation may be similar to yours but not the exact same-

You know we go through things in life for reasons- I still believe I am going through all for reasons far beyond my understanding- for I know I am not alone and I know someone else is going through something similar as I am (not exactly) but similar-

I am not alone- I have friends family school staff (awesome as always) who are there lending a hand trying their best to let me know I am not alone
I know these are ramblings of a crazy woman :) lol