What Faith Can Do by Kutless

This is the song I posted yesterday- just wanted you to hear it too- I have been listening to it a lot lately-

A reminder from a friend

Joe- a friend I have known for a long time- gave his testimony at church in Venice yesterday- powerful- and he sang this when he was done- it was a reminder to me- cause I hold on to this song- and have not listened to the words and heard what is was saying for a little while- I have put my thoughts next to some of the lyrics

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise sometimes it is hard for me to find strength but I know God provides
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take there are days where I am not sure how much I can
But you're stronger, stronger than you know God has given me more strength then I could ever imagine
Don’t you give up now Never will give up- always pressing in-He sends those to help
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining God's plan is so much bigger then the time we are going through- He has is all in control

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen God will use this for a miracle -
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new My son's heart and mind will become brand new I know
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word I know all things are possible- sometimes it is hard to believe-when you are going through
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing I will keep believing I will keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains God has ways of moving the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end Let my hope never end even when it seems like there is no way
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered Thank you for answering those silent prayers of mine that only You have heard
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Faith to move mountains- Faith to believe in miracles- God give my son that miracle that you know he needs-

Home

Well I am home- and tomorrow begins a new week- I was sharing with a friend-I feel like I am relearning how to parent- why cause Marcus is going through a time where he is remembering more from his past and I have no idea how to handle it and may mess up in the process- live and learn as I say it-so we had a bit of a battle Thursday and Friday but was able to work through that and the bedtimes have been good- not going to go into detail but just pray for him at bedtime for being afraid and knowing he is safe- I know why now he is afraid of the dark and did not know- he would just always tell me just cause-so he has a dolphin friend to sleep with at night and music if needed and also nightlights- and of course I am just a few feet away.
Pray for me for wisdom and understanding if you think about it- this is a process and a day to day process - and yet as a reminder from a friend today- Praise Him through whatever you are going through- and remember that your circumstance is small compared to how BIG God is.

Raising a child with issues

Ok well Marcus came home on Wednesday - and I would like to say all is smooth sailing- but not so much- the days have been wonderful and the nights not so fun- apparently flash backs are occurring and he is scared to go to bed-because someone might get him- he has monsters in his dreams and is afraid of the dark- so we are trying to combat this with getting him a friend to sleep with and nightlights and prayers and soft music at night- I so much love PTSD- it is a blast to deal with.
Keep praying - I do see a difference during the day- which is great and time will tell with the new meds and such-

Its a day to day learning process and I just continue to pray for wisdom as we work through it- God has his hand on it all -

Thanksgiving Miracle

Marcus came home today-Thankful for that- now the whole family can get together

Potpourri of thoughts

ok so I have kinda left you hanging with what has been going on around here-well on the 17th Marcus went back to the crisis unit and has been there ever since- oh I know I wrote about the familiversary but I was trying not to focus on what a stinky weekend it was and it was-

I have been biking and walking which has been good- blasting my ipod with songs of praise and worship

trying to occupy my mind even did some crafty things for the Christmas Tree ( and this was stretching me cause I am not crafty).

What have I been feeling- not so sure- I just know Marcus is there to get help and he is where he needs to be. Do I miss him- more then you could ever know- do I miss the aggression and anger and outbursts no not at all-

This past weekend was to be a time of celebration between our Family Anniversary through the weekend to our church's Thanksgiving Dinner (this was M and I's first holiday dinner 5 years ago) it is very dear to me- so much to say the weekend was an emotional one for me in which I was unable to spend these times with him- Ended up staying with the Tobias' which was helpful - although Adam can drive a person to craziness (LOL)

I am doing ok and appreciate all those that are concerned for me- even though this has been tough being apart from him for almost 20 days- God has given me opportunities once again-

As I prayed Thursday before I got the phone call from the Dr - I wanted wisdom and understanding and my prayer was for that as well as for him to be taken off all meds- I know I am crazy or just bring him off the majority-

I received the call from the Dr and he explained so much more then ever- everything I was seeing as far as behaviors he had seen with him and could explain what the causes of it could be- no exact science but more of an explanation- it gave me an understanding. He then told me they were taking him off all but 2 meds- I can not tell u how much of a relief and a comfort this was for me- they had to adjust them slightly since Thursday so it is still not exact science- of which I wish it was

Saturday was a little bit of an odd moment- Kris (Mr Madley- Marcus teacher) was able to visit him and Marcus was so excited he about knocked me over - of course he did get angry because he did not have his books and then was able to calm himself with the help of Kris- did I mention how awesome Lake Myrtle Staff is- yes I have but not in this blog- thanks Kris for visiting

Sunday was an interesting time- a piece of me was missing at church- I miss him when he is not there cause I so enjoy watching him sing during praise and worship

I went for the visit and talked with one of the technicians for a few minutes- it is pretty sad when they stop asking for your ID since they know you so well. Anyway- he was like the staff here has talked about you and I was like oh- We think you are awesome and how you handle Marcus- he loves you a lot. We enjoy you coming to visit him- I was like I like you all too but I really do not want to come back

It is funny though cause parents who have never been for a visit are like where are they? it is visiting time- and I say well there must be something going on in the back and they need to tend to it- they will be here and we will get our full time- I get strange looks- at least I can comfort others and show them the way-

I want him to be ok- and honestly that is all I want- unfortunately I was not there in the beginning of his life to prevent things that happened to him- however I am here now and will continue to let him know he is loved- that we care about him and NO ONE will ever hurt him again-I will keep being consistent- keep seeking help when needed-

Keep persevering so he can be successful

Family Tree

I was taking my bike ride early Friday morning- when I came across a beautiful tree- I love to look at trees- it had a full canopy and I am not quite sure of what it was - it reminded me of a tree we had in one of our pastures in Venice- huge -

Well it got me thinking of a family tree- well you have your genealogy family tree but you also have another family tree - one that is significant in changing your lives on a daily basis. I love my genealogy family and they are awesome-they make up the other family tree as well- its those people who pour into your lives daily -weekly etc- I know I have been talking a lot about the people in our lives a lot lately - well- its been a bit of a rough month for us so I just want to let those who touch our lives know how much I appreciate them and their support for us and love for us.

We’ve added to our family tree
A stronger one to make
A child from another plant
Has become our new namesake.
Just as a limb is grafted
From one tree to another,
It alters and improves the plant
Making it, uniquely, like no other.
Our family tree has been improved
Adoption made this so.
For love, much more than bloodlines,
Makes us thrive and grow.
We chose to share our life and love
And all the joys to come
Our “family tree” has blossomed
With the arrival of our cherished one.

Happy Familiversary

5 years ago today marks the day my life- our life would change forever- the good the bad the ugly

what has happened in 5 years- patience I have gained a lot of patience- Marcus has a mom that loves him no matter what and know he can do all things in Christ- and he can make the good choices - I have learned so much about behavioral and mental health- more then I thought I would ever need to know or want to know-

that it is tiring and rewarding raising a child with needs-

that I have met some of the best people in our lives- I would never have met them if it were not for adopting Marcus- would have never met the best staff at LMES- never been a part of a spectacular track family-never would have support at Baycare-

these people go above and beyond in which I am truly thankful

never knew how much I could love a child even though at times I ask what in the world was I thinking-

I learn to laugh when I really wanted to cry-

I have learned to keep trying and keep trying- not to give up

I learned there is power in prayer

I have been through first bday parties, first Christmases- teaching a child the meaning of it all-

priceless-

at times I have thought our we going to make it to thinking of we are so making it-

I love you Bubbaman and that will never ever change-thanks for showing me so much

Broken and Spilled out- Steve Green

VERSE 1
One day a plain village woman
Driven by love for her Lord
Recklessly poured out a valuable essence
Disregarding the scorn
And once it was broken and spilled out
A fragrance filled all the room
Like a pris'ner released from his shackles
Like a spirit set free from the tomb
CHORUS 1
Broken and spilled out
Just for love of you Jesus
My most precious treasure
Lavished on Thee
Broken and spilled out
And poured at Your feet
In sweet abandon
Let me be spilled out
And used up for Thee
VERSE 2
Lord You were God's precious treasure
His loved and His own perfect Son
Sent here to show me
The love of the Father
Just for love it was done
And though You were perfect and holy
You gave up Yourself willingly
You spared no expense for my pardon
You were used up and wasted for me
CHORUS 2
Broken and spilled out
Just for love of me Jesus
God's most precious treasure
Lavished on me
You were broken and spilled out
And poured at my feet
In sweet abandon Lord
You were spilled out and used up for Me
TAG
In sweet abandon, let me be spilled out
And used up for Thee

One Day at a TIme

I am learning this slowly- hmm- its only taken me 5 years-

so we had a bump as I call it yesterday AM- but the rest of the day went well- and Marcus was like but I messed up in the morning - yes you did- and you had a consequence for it- done and over with. Can't change what happened in the past but you learn from it grow from it.


Well I started this in the AM- but ran into another bump- it appears my child does not want to brush his teeth- ook well another bump- well crater- happened as I was typing this this evening
no respect for me- and he did not want to do his HW so there was issues

when it subsided his concern was if I still loved him- but of course- I do- do not like the choices do not like how I feel but I love you!- ok sorry mommy I know you love me-

this day is done and so glad- tomorrow is a new one

Out of the mouth of a child

We were talking in the car and out of the blue our conversation took this turn:

Marcus: I want a dad

Me: Great I would love for you to have a dad-

Marcus: Really?

Me: Yes I really would- Why do you want a dad?

Marcus: So you are not alone and have someone to help you with me- cause it is not fair that you handle me by yourself.

Me: I would love that

Marcus: Me too

Sometimes you never know what he will say next - he had the sweetest tone in his voice through this conversation- Like he knew he can be a handful when he gets in his aggressive modes and just wants me to have help- gotta love it- or maybe it is the new meds talking- lol- either way gotta love it

6000

6000 children in the state of Florida need forever homes - it is National Adoption Month- I almost forgot but was pleasantly reminded this morning as the news brought a story of National Adoption Day-
National Adoption Day- was this week- 5 years ago National Adoption Day was November 18th
(he was in foster care for 4 and half years before he got his forever family)


Are you doing your part? Educate yourself- on how many children are in foster care in your county- you would be surprised how many of them need forever homes-

I know this incredible family in Tn that have adopted children (I believe 8 - Jill- Andy- correct me if I am wrong)- amazing amazing family- you should hear there story.

We all know there are thousands of children overseas that need loving homes but there are thousands of children in these United States that need loving homes.

He's like a light switch and you never know when he will flip

yes I know what a strange title- but several of the nurses told me that when Marcus was getting the help he needed- I have taken a look back in the last 13 days of what transpired- and give you a little of my perspective and things I should have changed-

What happened:

1. I probably should have rested so much more- for those of you who told me I know I know-but I am a momma and missed my youngen- let me explain- you see normally when a child goes into the hospital- you able to spend time with them more- when they are in a crisis unit you get 1 hour a day that is it and if your child wants you there great if not not so hot. I am learning with each time this happens- rest is important-and the last several days he was there I did rest more- another problem this was - the fact you never knew when he was coming home and I had to make the phone calls to check in and see where we were at for the day. I was able to usually relax a little more once I knew for the day if he was staying or not. so yes rest more will be worked on

2. Average stay is normally 2-3 days. Marcus was there 13-why? God knows why- I believe it was for the following reasons:

1. able to minister and help parents who had never been in the situation and remind them they were not alone - yes I used my words that I was often reminded of during the process.

2. let the parents know that they need to be the child's advocate but also speak the truth of what is going on with their behaviors-

3. the last few days - I saw my son speaking up and letting the others know (even the older ones) that he needs to listen to what his mom says and he was stepping up and saying he was not allowed to watch certain shows on tv-

4. I was able to speak briefly into some teens life

5. Drs were able to evaluate Marcus more thoroughly and see what I go through- only certain people have seen a glimpse- and possible have a better diagnosis

3. I learned I need to get out more with my girlfriends- so need that more in my life-the time was priceless and so needed- laughing and staying out late -it did not get much better

4. people have no idea what its like to go through something like this - my best advice to those if you who may have someone going through this - is simply be there - be there to hold there hand- to offer a hug- to just sit and cry with them if they need it- they will get through it and be stronger for it- just allow them to ramble - allow them to yell at you- do not take it personal it has nothing to do with you its just a way for them to work through it- allow them to laugh cry and laugh and cry some more. if you ask them what they need and they tell you- follow through with it. ASK them how they can help- some of us our stubborn- they may not know themselves what they need but they will just be prepared.

5. Sometimes we do not want to talk about it either- we will eventually though-when we are ready- do not pry it out of us. and sometimes you may ask us questions of what the next step is and we may not know at that time- so we will deliver news as we know it and when we want to share- be patient with us- I know it is frustrating-well it is frustrating to not know what is going on with your son and what the outcome will be either.

6. Parents who have children who are aggressive - get tired- they need their batteries recharged- offer to help even if for a couple of hours-a week or month- sometimes we do not know when they will flip the light switch and sometimes it take all are energy to work with them.

7. I have learned I need to adjust how I do things as a parent to enable Marcus to function better-its always something to learn- if I have adjusted something with him- and you watch him for me- please help by doing and following through- consistency is so key to helping him through

8. and as always- I have the best support people in our life- family- (I say just family cause this encompasses normal family, extended family, church family. track family, and school family) you all are so vital in our life and how successful Marcus will become- I love you all bunches

I saw...

the sparkle in his eyes- and the awesome smile he has- for the first time in 11 days- my heart rejoiced tonight when I saw this in Marcus-

this stinks

the visits I have with M- especially tonight- stunk- anything I said to try and encourage him or talk was all wrong- he is mad he is still there and wants to come home- he can once he makes the right choice- I asked him how I can help - he said no one can help him- no drs no nurse no one- but uncle adam-

well....

this past week or so my emotions have gone all over the place- and really I am the only one who really knows- so let me share it with so you get a better understanding
the first couple of days it went from having part of my heart ripped out and feeling a lone- the house was empty
then that feeling went to being defeated (a few days he did not want to see me) - this was the same time where I kept questioning what else do I need to do or could have done- how much better of a parent could I have been and how can I become better- to feeling like a failure-
oh I have friends telling me otherwise but you know sometimes you hear the words until you keep pressing in and praying - for God to help you through-
so I had a mini breakthrough ( which was good) for me- when I spoke to the nurse yesterday and she said he flips ike a light switch and you never know when it is going to happen- I went yes finally someone gets it someone sees it-and it is not just me-
you see- he is broke (for lack of better words) and no matter how hard I try to fix him- I can't - I can not fix my son from the past from the present and from the future- how he chooses to control himself is so up to him. How he is made up was not my choice and that I can not change it

What can I do- I can trust God with wisdom on how to handle him- trust God with the resources he has allowed us to have. Keep asking -for friends just to give me a hug and let me know they are there- oh they may not know what to say or do- but knowing I can count on a hug is powerful. I can ask my friends to help me laugh -it does wonders- I can ask friends to help me stay grounded and have their perspective- some may not get it but another view is sometimes good.
I do ask my friends not to tell me they know how I feel- because again they truly do not- and my close friends they do not cause they get it. Even if you been in my similar shoes you still do not know how I feel and you will never cause my situation may be similar to yours but not the exact same-

You know we go through things in life for reasons- I still believe I am going through all for reasons far beyond my understanding- for I know I am not alone and I know someone else is going through something similar as I am (not exactly) but similar-

I am not alone- I have friends family school staff (awesome as always) who are there lending a hand trying their best to let me know I am not alone
I know these are ramblings of a crazy woman :) lol

Its been a long week

Well- the week has been long- been going through some difficulties but will make it through-
I have been through all types of emotions- what do I feel right now as I type- that I am glad Marcus is getting the help he needs- and where he is at- I am glad they are seeing what is going on-
How am I doing? well- I am still ok- to tell you all is great would just not be truth-
the best thing anyone can do for me through this is to just give me a hug and let me know you are there- that is it- I will tell you how I feel when I am ready-
No one truly knows what I am going through- except for God- cause honestly at times I do not know-
I do know this - I pray and ask God to give me wisdom- I ask God to strengthen me for difficult decisions if they should come-

I often question what more could I have done- and many of those that know us well have said you have done more then any of us- or you have done above and beyond- thank you for those words-

So its a day to day process- one day at a time - that is how I take things lately- do I feel like doing a whole lot - no not really- especially at the house- but tonight after my visit I must get the house in order.
thanks for your love and support