Come to Our Rescue- We Need You

well sleeping in today was an option however thoughts woke me up- so I am blogging an doing laundry and then have some errands to run-
it is a quiet day nothing major happening- chores need done- the paperwork gone through-phone calls to make- miracles to happen
Marcus had a fairly decent day yesterday- seemed quiet-very into coloring and watching tv-hopefully today will be more productive .

Come to our Rescue- Come Quickly

Jesus is my hero

When and are you?

Have you ever thought if God is not listening? I know he is - but lately I am discouraged- emotionally and physically drained- my birthday is Sunday and I really do not want to feel this way but I do- why has Marcus not had a miracle in his mind. Why does he not want to change- could it just be the meds needs adjusted- or maybe he is getting his miracle -healing and the meds are causing problems- I could be hopeful right- Miracles still happen right?- I know they do babies are born- people are saved- teens wake up and stand and speak after a terrible accident (PD and PLs friend) .
When will I get rest from all of this nonsense- when will he be all better?
I just want him better

Saturday is here

Yesterday I had a migraine at work all day - and we were reorganizing the facility- what fun yet so much to do. it is a mess- so to speak- just trying to get things reorganized and online with the other facilities.
So I was home alone last night went to sleep before 10 and woke up at 7- still a little tired but not too bad- today is life coaching which I am so looking forward to. Always do. Must go take Isaac out and do some house cleaning before I go -

Marcus is at Adam and Brendas for the morning and into the afternoon- so quiet is nice. I love him but needed a break very much so

Moving Again...

Have you ever got an email that says someone wants to speak to you and they do not tell you why and you begin to think and stress - (PD get off the floor from laughing)- okay so I received this from my immediate boss yesterday on my day off- great- thinking stressing- what now

So, I get to work and the head of department calls and leaves a message on my voicemail- Michele call me when you get a chance I need to speak with you - great now what. Anyway- I called him and he started by saying let just say you are doing a fabulous job where you are simply fabulous- ok Dr "E" where are you sending me now- over to the Byrd- great when Thursday- Is this okay with you? Whatever you need me to do-Where ever you need me to go-Thankful for a position.

So I go to speak with my immediate boss afterwards and go the low down- this is good- if you are faithful to what you do unto the Lord he will be faithful to you

So I am going from the VA hospital to the Byrd Institute- our facility just opened in September so it is brand new. I am excited and relieved - whew. God is good!!! todayThursday

A Day in Venice

Well we came down last night- for a time to relax today and just chill- it was a beautiful day and Marcus spent most of it outside- I love the fact I can let him go outside and see what he is doing cause he is not that far away and get not get into a whole heap of trouble in the pasture.

Went and saw my fisrt boss in the animal world - was only going to stop in a say hey but ended up staying almost 2 hours- let see we got caught up on home life- I helped discuss a couple cases he was dealing with- I love it- he is a great teacher - I learned so much from him when I first went into private practice-here is his link http://www.jacarandaanimalhospital.com/ - I learned a lot and still carry a lot of what he taught me with me- He was named veterinarian of the year a couple of years ago- he truly cares about his patients and clients -

Went and cleaned my car out and washed it - it needed it badly

Came home and cleaned up a crate for Miss Madeline -

(Pastors Larry and Deanna's pup) she has outgrown her current kennel and we (mom and dad ) had an extra one. -and now getting ready to leave for home- it was a relaxing day

Wisdom and Guidance

Over the course of the last 3 and 1/2 years I have gained so much wisdom and guidance- through prayer- through therapists - through drs- and more often through my friends- Marcus may have his issues but he is also a child and sometimes I allow the "labels" to get the best of me-

Today was a rough one to say the least -so thankful for those who stepped up with restraining and for those who just offered advice and guidance - mentally draining for me- I know and I am praying for a miraculous intervention

I love him so- and will not give up - God is going to be glorified when we work out what is going on in his little mind-

We have dropped dosage on one of his medications- that began on Friday- so I need to keep a close observation on what is going on and journal it- I do have a journal for him and his behaviors-

So thank you God for giving me wisdom- Thank you God for providing those who offer wisdom and guidance.

As I was driving home or to Venice I should say- they were talking about mercy on the radio about how mercy is showing comapssion on those afflicted- down unable to tend to themselves- this year my word is persevere no matter what- however I am working on having mercy for my son- I know that sounds crazy but there are somedays I wonder how God can have mercy on us when we screw up so bad and I have to think no matter what I have to have mercy with my son just like the my Father in heaven has with me no matter what.

The Best Date I Have Been on in a Long Time

Well I did it - I was obedient to God- I was in a funky mood for Valentine's Day for about a week- when this past week God spoke to me and said you are going to do special things for Marcus on Saturday regardless of the week he has regardless of the day he has on Saturday-

I said ok- however Friday I said God are you sure I really need to do this-yes He said- as much as I fought it I was obedient-

So let us begin- I got simple things that I knew he would love and it started with the first ride in the morning on our way to the JBQ meet it was a little pup with a red heart-

So we went to JBQ and Marcus did phenomenal- ok I am his mom I can say that- he was the only one who answered questions and scored 170 points total for the day making him the 9th highest quizzer for the day- yeah for him- they called his name to go up front and he smiled and then began to cry- he was afraid to go up there- not sure what he was thinking so Sarah went up with him- okay I was proud and began to cry in fact the tears are welling now.

He behaved beautifully all day today- so we went to get in the car and there was ajar of candy with I love you on the top of it- see his face.

we then went home and took a nap- we got up and left for our date which he had no clue about in the car he finds a balloon with I love you on it- he beamed-

We went out to dinner- and it was a very enjoyable time-

I was truly blessed by a wonderful time with my valentine today-

Happy Valentine's Day

Yes I said it- amazing enough-we have JBQ today and I have some tricks up my sleeves for Marcus- God spoke to me while I was at work and said- you are going to get out of this funky mood and here is how... I will show you in pictures later

Valentines Day is approaching

Well can I be honest with you here- well to bad if you say no cause I am going to. I use to hate valentine's day really I did- why single being single sometimes stinks- oh I know it is not just about couples and all- I got over that a few years ago- and began to love it- this year not so much- why I am not sure to be honest- Oh again- I know it is not just for couples and I am hoping PDs message Wednesday Night will get me out of the funk mood about it-

I do understand - its more then what the commercial side produces- I know it is about Agape love- and love for friends and family-

There are times where I think when God when will I be the other half of a married couple- I know that sounds weird- I love spending time with my friends- they are all married and 95% of the time I am fine being the single person ( I never use to be this way - I usually always felt like the 5th wheel) they never treat me like a 3rd or 5th wheel. just one of the gang

Where is this blog going - I have no idea- except get me out of this funk mood about Valentines Day

I like these kind of days

I am hopeful for more days like Monday- although not feeling great (sinus thing going on) After school Marcus and I took a bike ride- it was about 2 miles or so- and we had a ball- he is so funny- he is still learning how to ride and his one pedal falls off because it is weirdly made I think I need to glue it in. He did well and was able to not run in to anything so that is a step in the right direction. It was a beautiful day to ride too- hopeful we can ride again today after school- I like the fact in the new child care we are so close to home-

Wednesday he has a Drs appointment - going to see if he will come off one of the medications-

we shall see-

PTSD- what can you do to help

Okay- well this is me thinking- now that we know for sure of what Marcus diagnosis is- we can figure out triggers and how to help in the healing process- although my true belief is that God is going to miraculous heal him- until then I know God will give us the tools to help in the process until the healing is complete.

First- acting out in aggressive and volatile anger is still not acceptable-he has been given the tools to work through this - and persevering is what we will do-

Second- bear hugging and rocking him and holding him is what needs to be done- restraint only if he is causing harm to himself or others- he did not have that attachment as a young child- Pastor Larry spoke on this today in regards to encouraging and affirming our children- it is so important so very important to start so young- can you imagine not being told that you were a good person- that you are bad- For me even in the most difficult meltdowns I need God's guidance in what I need to speak to my son- to let him know I am not giving up on him and no matter what he does I will always love him- (so many times this was not happening for him)

Third- this is a learning process- and I am learning his triggers slowly- so slowly- raising a voice- is not good- sets him off- as I learn more and figure what his triggers are I will share-
belts and guns being mentioned are also not a good thing- he has shared somethings with me about this.

Love Him- no matter what - ask me what helps him- ask me - I am so glad we have pinpointed what is going on so I can work with him and help him all the more - We will overcome this!

Today Marcus felt the girls in CC were being mean not wanting to sit by him- when he in fact was trying to sit very close and he was asked to by the girls not too- he did not listen so they went to mr adam well that did not fly with Marcus at all and set him off- Adam tried holding him and got his jaw wacked- I took over and rocked him and thought all was well- nope he took off that is when the choir saw him- I do not chase (especially in a dress and heals) so as I am walking around to the front of the church- I am praying Lord just give me wisdom now- did not chase him just made sure he was safe- of course then he picked up 2 rocks and I am thinking whose windshield are those going through- he threw them down when asked Thank you God and I was able to hold him while walking in to the church- then he put up another fight- Pastor T and I were able to speak with him finally and I was able to walk him to the sanctuary- so he sat on my lap and I hugged on him partially from exhaustion and partially cause I know he just needed to know he was still loved-we rocked and I whispered in his ear I loved him- He fell asleep in my arms- ( i love this)

so he was fine and then JBQ happened - he is so smart- we study in the car and the boy can answer questions- quizzed out all 5 matches today and answered a few higher point questions then normal - a proud moment

We just got finished with a small melt down moment but I am overcoming- God is truly helping me work on this -so thankful I am not alone-

So for PTSD I really do not like it but you know what we will overcome it- God is going to heal him of it- and if he uses me to do it fine - just keep me in prayer- for wisdom- for direction- for mercy

There is a hole in my sidewalk

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK

Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I fall in.I am lost .... I am helpless.It isn't my fault.It takes forever to find a way out ---What happened to Marcus was not his fault- he was helpless- he did not know any better- it was taking forever to get out

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it.I fall in again.I can't believe I am in this same place.But, it isn't my fault.It still takes a long time to get out. --- continually he was in the same situation-no one teaching him no one working with him no one loving him- no one believing in him- it is not his fault- it is taking time for him to get out

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.I know where I am.It is my fault.I get out immediately. ---he still sees the problem - he knows it is wrong - it is now the only way for him to deal with things - he knows he is better person then this- yet he chooses too remain the same

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it. ---he still sees himself as the same- he sees the hole- the bad choices - he begins to walk around and learn- he begins to realize he is loved no matter what - he begins to realize he is not alone-that he can walk-around and make a better choice

I walk down another street. ---he is seeing himself as better then ever- he makes the choices that are good- he is in control of what he is feeling- he is Healed

You know often I have heard PD say to people Michele literally saved his life- well I would saty yes I did- but you know I am not sure I believed that- and now looking back and looking ahead- I did do that- God knew I would not take this lying down-no matter how tired I got or how frustrated or how much of a struggle - I am a fighter and will fight for him- he is learning- we are learning - we are overcoming-

God was there in the wilderness, He was there at the walls of Jericho- He was there as David fought the giant- or when Daniel was in the lion's den- God was there for Noah and his family- He provided for Abraham-He was there as Peter walked on water- He was there at the wedding of Cana- Jesus was there for Lazarus when he was raised from the dead- and He is here now to see the miracle come to pass for Marcus- Yes God is our strength - God is our source of everything- God is our provider-

God will help us to overcome-

The diagnosis is changed of what Marcus suffers from - no not ADHD but PTSD -they may be the victim or a witness of physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence in the home or in the community

A child with PTSD may also re-experience the traumatic event by:
having frequent memories of the event, or in young children, play in which some or all of the trauma is repeated over and over
having upsetting and frightening dreams
acting or feeling like the experience is happening again
developing repeated physical or emotional symptoms when the child is reminded of the event

Children with PTSD may also show the following symptoms:
worry about dying at an early age
losing interest in activities
having physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches
showing more sudden and extreme emotional reactions
having problems falling or staying asleep
showing irritability or angry outbursts
having problems concentrating
acting younger than their age (for example, clingy or whiny behavior, thumbsucking)
showing increased alertness to the environment
repeating behavior that reminds them of the trauma

We will.....

This is my thought- I am fine- this is a disclaimer- God has his hand upon us- but this is where I can get my thoughts out-

Persevere- I will persevere - I will - we will overcome-thought a lot about this today and last night- why because we had a very bad afternoon yesterday and I could have easily said I am done I do not need this much in my life- it is how I felt after being punched several times in the shoulders ( I am fine- the therapist and psychiatrist are aware) did I did deserve it no not at all-did he deserve it when he was younger- no not at all- I just was asking about what happened on Monday at school after talking with his teacher.

It is tiring- it is not at all what I thought motherhood would be about- making up for others stupidity-I wanted a son to love and care for and bring up right in the world- am I too dreamy- maybe- but of course I did not have him from the start-

so my question is how do you teach a child to overcome what he has been through- why God did this have to happen to him- he is an innocent child- a 2 year old emotionally trapped in a 7 year olds body. again adults being stupid- I hate (yes I finally said it-) I hate (wow twice) i do not like using that word- but I do hate what they have done to him-

I know I can still bring him up right- just have to tweak it a little differently on how I handle it

We talked about love last night- spoke with Bernie afterwards- how they were talking how love is a choice- Jesus chose to die on the cross for us- amazing love

I chose to love Marcus - no matter what he does - and can I be honest sometimes that choice is very difficult especially when things happen and you do not expect it from a 7 year old- words- ugliness - violence- it is not all pretty adopting- would I change it - the only thing I would change is to delve more into the history and how they disciplined him.however what truth will I get-

I love him - I choose to love him even when I do not feel like it- that is when I need to love him all the more- you see it is not ADHD that has him in the grips but it is PTSD- and children who suffer ( yes suffer) from it feel abandoned- feel alone- they act on impulse whether it be a loud noise- a raised voice-a threat-impulse - flight response-Honestly I am tired of the struggles with this PTSD- I consider myself pretty strong but dealing with this oh my goodness has questioned that so many times.

so God show me how we can overcome this PTSD- show me - allow me to have mercy on my son especially in those so difficult times-

how do we overcome- by His Word- His Answers- His Guidance

so stand with us in prayer - for miraculous healing- for God's guidance- for me to see Marcus through God's eyes- show me what you see God

it takes time

this time I did not want to rush into any decisions with out carefully thinking and praying about it- forget about what I like but what would be best for Marcus- loud colorful always on the go classrooms or a quiet home setting where he can be a helper. hmm I have talked to a few people and they have encouraged me- the one thing is I do not want to set him up for failure again-it is a bit ridiculous when we have had 9 child cares in a little over 3 years.
I am not trying to set him up to fail- but to succeed- I am honest with whomever watches him-
Its a learning curve for everyone-
I am praying for an answer- I hopefully will have a decision by tomorrow.

On a Mission

Yes I am on a mission with God's help- so many times I would fly into flight mode to find a place for Marcus- not this time- I have been praying for direction and seeking God on this one- I want a place where it is small yet has activities for him to do- somewhere where he can be successful-

So I have been to 2 places- tomorrow I plan on going to 2 more. Praying and seeking where God would have him thrive