Here I am

Here I am, Lord send me
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me
Somehow my story is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

I have had a lot- I mean a lot of time to think over the last 3 months-and the same thing keeps coming to mind- there are more families out there that need to know they are not alone in raising a child with PTSD - they are not alone- so how do I need to do let them know- that is where I am right now- oh I have a website but there has to be a bigger way- more productive way.
They need to know there are people out there knowing what they go through on a day to day basis- they need to know there are professionals that want your child to be successful- they need to know there is a HOPE for tomorrow

Here I am, Lord send me
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me
Somehow my story is a part of Your plan,
Here I am

3months yesterday

well 3 months yesterday our lives were forever changed- its been a bit of a ride- from Marcus being so angry and not talking to him talking like crazy and not stopping- (not complaining)
from him not coping to him realizing he needs to cope- meds are great and love the fact we found the right combination- but he has to know coping skills for life and so glad he is learning- although the majority of them he was taught before and i think for me this is a bit frustrating cause I worked hard at making sure i worked with him- i guess with multiple therapy sessions and constantly everyday working on the same thing it is finally clicking-
the song "find your wings" is so much more precious to me because I do believe that God is making him whole and opening his mind for the plan God has for him whether it be an Olympic athlete (mom's dream for him :) ), a teacher, someone in the military, a police officer and the list goes on. I will be proud of what ever he chooses to do for us to get through what we have gotten through - God is going to use him- I do believe to reach other kids like him-

so here are the words to the song- i think of them often and they mean more to me know then they did 5 years ago

Mark Harris - Find Your Wings

It's only for a moment
You are mine to hold The plans that heavens has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I want to know
You're walking in the truth
And if I never told you
I want you to know
That as I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep your strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh but more than memories

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

It's not living
If you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

Gentling- Dr Krill (cont'd)

Ok the final post- has to deal with how trauma affects everyone

p 18, p 22

trauma effects everyone either directly or indirectly.
Anyone who works closely with children can tell how contagious stress is. Even clincians dealing with it can have its toll on them-they become overwhelmed with grief, fear and sadness (secondary PTSD) A clinician needs to take care of themselves as well as those they treat.

Michele here- ok so dealing with this in the clinical setting affects the clinicians- think about how much more it affects parents who deal with these children on a daily basis- we get tired- we get overwhelmed and yes it has been documented that parents began to suffer PTSD from working with their child- we as parents (self included) need to take care of ourselves- we need breaks - often we feel isolated and others have no clue what we deal with- sometimes we just need others there to listen sometimes we need others to give us time away from our child. it is a constant a daily task we deal with- even when they are not at home they do come back and we have to work with them- not your normal child not your normal how you deal with them- what works for your child may not work with mine- you always have to be thinking ahead making sure you are in check with how you are responding so you do not trigger a stress episode- it is tiring at times and emotionally and physically draining. we need people to help us - we do not ask to be understood we just ask you to be there to listen or take our child for a bit - we do try our best and hope others try to see what we go through but often we are misunderstood.
ask me i will tell you what is like-it maybe not right away but I will tell you soon

Add on Post

I guess I will never really get it- when people say you know your son so well and you follow through with what we are teaching him and you- why would I not follow through-in order for us as a family to be successful I need to make sure I follow through on what he learns- time and time again I have been told this by teachers- and doctors and therapist- I am his mom this is what needs to be done in order for him to be the person God created him to be.

I was told again today I am so involved and we wish more parents were like you-
just being the mom I know to be- I want Marcus to be successful

Gentling- Dr Krill (Cont'd)

p 202- 204
Defiance or general acting out: use a normal voice tone devoid of pressure and inflection - try to keep voice neutral as possible but firm. Directives should be brief and to point. repeat once but do not elaborate or keep repeating. Following initial directive you may need to turn from the child and allow to self calm or stress break. As adults we tend to add more stress with raising voice or making threats for oppositional child to respond. This type of response will only increase resistance and will trigger a full blown stress episode ( all to well known in my world)

tears , pouting, crying: try not to react - use the above -recognize they are upset- give directive and do not elaborate. calm voice and low intensity show that you are not a threat

Demanding, hostile, nasty, oppositional: use response in defiance or acting out- neutral or non-intense tone of voice give immediate directive and let it be immediate. importance of keeping neutral tone so it will not trigger a stress meltdown. A stressed child needs to have immediate penalties for misbehavior.

Avoid debate ( working on this myself) give a choice when appropriate and encourage child to make right choice. give directive and repeat once if needed. give advisement of not following the directive or completing the task. then turn away and give the child time to self calm or take stress break- follow up in 5-10 minutes and repeat directive. If refusal occurs provide immediate consequence.
Use same neutral tone as always-an adult's anxiety and stress can trigger the child

In most things the response is the same- neutral tone- repeating once- and adults to remain calm- My thoughts- often times this is difficult but very important- this is why mentally and emotionally it is draining on the adult working with the child (my opinion)

Helpless or hopeless- time for positive and upbeat and encouraging directives- state your confidence in the child

Gentling By Dr Krill

this is the book I have been reading I am going to post some pages on here from it and see that these pages were ah ha moments for me and working with Marcus- some of the things i have done but now have a better understanding of what or reasons he does the things he does.

p. 177
Stress disordered children need more affirmation, more guidance,and praise then other children. They are often insecure and can not self evaluate very well so adults need to offer more frequent assessments- (especially positive ones)

A child with stress disorder will often rush through assignments and tasks, This is a sign they are stressed. Their rushing is a form of "flight"

Learn individuals signs of stress - often they are labeled "oppositional" or attention deficit but really are expressing stress signs. some become forgetful, clingy and generally regress in their behavior. Stress disorders often mimic other disorders

p. 201 One way to understand a stressed child is to think of a glass of water: we all have some stress in the glass, however a child with a stress disorder the glass is nearly always full. When enough stress is collected it will overflow with behaviors. If signs of stress are spotted early and responded properly there can be very good results

Adults in contact with a child with stress disorder needs to know child's cues or triggers. these can be very dramatic or can be subtle and hard to see.
A cue can be something in the environment that reminds them of the trauma (often unconsciously)- a smell, a taste, a noise, a tone of voice, physcial gesture or even just a thought.

** How to deal with the stressed child will be posted tomorrow**

He is ALIVE

Happy Anniversary

HappY Anniversary !

I did not realize and should have...

when you lose someone or someone is not with you everyday you miss them but when they return you just realize how much you have missed them. I am so proud of Marcus and how he has progressed.
Did not realize how emotional all this was until last night with dinner and i broke down in tears- i want what is best for him and me and all that- the fact that they mentioned of releasing him earlier (Marcus does not know they mentioned this) then the target release date has me freaked out just a bit- my mind went fast forward to that day instead of the here and now- need to focus on that and take each moment and each day I have with him and not be concerned about the days ahead. He is treatment plan states 30 days of non aggression behavior and we have not accomplished that yet.

one day one moment at a time- emotions in check ( well....)

Happy Good Friday

It is Good Friday- the first and most important reason to celebrate this day is Jesus was nailed to a cross- beatened and bruised for you and me- for our sins- he loves us that much to lay his life down for us- How thankful I am for the day he did that 1000s of years ago.

another reason- Marcus is home for the entire weekend - he has to be back by 6 on Sunday-
He is changing- and progressing very well- growing, maturing, learning, and coping. his eyes are brighter and he talks so much more.
I am optimistically caustious of how well he is doing- I do not want him to come home sooner then he needs to - I want to make sure that he is ready and I am ready-

I am still working on how to work with him as he is not your typical child- still deciphering normal kid behavior and Stress behavior can be difficult times- I also need to get in the mind set of he has changed and right now that is difficult- I can see it but was so in a mode of what is going to happen or when for so long it is hard to change that but the more time I spend with him that should improve

we have some things to change when he comes home for good - from school, to how others who take care of him , to others who might be in charge of him handle him- we all need to be on the same page in order for him to be successful so yes- he may get treated slightly different than others- we need to make sure that he is able to function and cope- he processes things differently- he has a stress disorder-the book I have read is great and I understand why Marcus reacts the way he does to certain things and how to handle them better- Gentling- may not be the way many would happen to handle your own child but does your child suffer from PTSD.

I do believe with the amounts of prayers going up is a big part of Marcus' change- I also believe that the gift of modern medication is truly a gift and when you find the right one amazing things can happen. I believe the support and love of family is critical to his well being and mine - I have found strength from God and from the support of family at all hours of the day-

We will not just survive this time we will thrive and Marcus and I will be a testimony to all those out there that may be dealing with the same thing- We can all do through Christ who strenghtens us.

yikes

i did not realize i have not written since last thursday-ok so saw M on thursday and friday he had a rough evening so did not get to speak with him, he was walking around the facility with the nurse supervisor (he had kicked the nurse) so saturday i asked him what happened- idk he said - i was like no that is not acceptable- you do know- i was just acting all crazy- i told him well acting all crazy and aggressive will not get him a pass for easter- then it was like yes maam- i reiterated the fact he is capable and able to do this he just is not choosing too- since then he has had good days- hopeful he continues cause if he does he will be home Thursday til Sunday-

so since saturday- i am so trying to keep track of eating and exercising consistently- very important i do this- i had started back in january but took a slump for a couple of weeks- so hopefully I am back on track.

got a package from my mom and dad- i love peeps and mom and dad always get them for me for easter and i eat whatever they give me in one day- well i did it this time in 2- thanks mom and dad - love you

Hmmm

Well this week has been busy and so glad Friday is coming closer- Visited and therapy with Marcus tonight- he was drawing animals he is getting creative- his mind is opening up- it is amazing to watch him think - i sit and look at him with aww because it is truly amazing when the right meds and right tools have begun to sink in what can happen no visit to see him this weekend- but next weekend he will be home just for the weekend- the transformation is amazing and each week is better and better- he is excelling in academics and the principal said today that he earns the privilege of dunking him in a dunk tank because he focused well on his FCATS.

Glorious Days

This is one of my favorite songs- and it is so for this time of year- Easter is a little over a week away- let us remember the reason for the celebration of Easter and its not for easter bunnies but the fact that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again- so let's celebrate the fact He died for you- and if you were the only one on the planet He would have done it again- let us celebrate the fact He rose again- and is ALIVE!!!

Praise, Preserve, Precious

Praise - we had a class today on praise- ( it was kind of a repeat for me- they are using USF curriculum - and I went through the entire training- always good though to refresh)- need to praise 8 times so we get the change in behavior that we want to every 1- something I had known but always good to have reminders

Preserve- Marcus and I went to a local preserve in Bradenton - spent 2 hours walking the trail- went on the observation deck- saw lots of sand crabs- and fish jumping- it was hot-fortunately I was prepared with water and food post walk- he was happy :)

Precious- my son has a very creative mind and told me a story the entire 2 hour walk- all about me as I was little and used to swim and how grannie made me a special swim suit to beat Michael Phelps cause he never congratulates anyone- and how I beat him and said good job to the other swimmers and I had dive shoes as well- and he went on and on- and how people should not be prideful cause then they will fall ( i have taught him and so has the Bible about how pride comes before a fall) and this lasted the entire walk - I mean the entire walk- I think I spoke 5-10 times at the most. The thing I love about the story is it was all positive and things I have told him- actually was listening to me- just when I thought he never was. it was precious.

ok sometimes it is a struggle

relax.... it will be alright- ok i write like i think (right Gayle- atleast i capitalized your name) ok so i struggle at times- what is it- well i am working on it- i struggle with.... are you ready- i know this will be earth shattering- ok here it is-

of how i can chillax when dealing with Marcus- i know i know you all say its easy - well you know i have dealt with being on the edge or eggshells for so long its hard to switch to the thought of him not going off the edge or having what i now call a stress meltdown. i need to change thought process and the more i work with him and see how he responds to things the more i will relax and understand he will not have those moments- it will take time on my part-

learning not to lecture during escalation and allowing him to work through it-finding a place of comfort while he brings himself down- not being concerned with what they term junk behavior ( ok some of you do not say i told you so here ok)

so mom has work to do as well as Marcus-

he told his therapist what triggers moms' reactions- hmmm- manipulation- raise your hand if you told me this already- go ahead - i see you :)

we are striving ahead and learning each day- I do like his therapist- she is great and really has his best interest and mine at hand-

So I will learn as we come back together as a family how not to expect the worst- but expect the best- sometimes it may just be all in my expectations-

Had a little set back

ok yesterday Ms day was a little bit of a set back- he had a couple of restraints- he just did not work on his coping skills like he should have- he did not do well on a test and just lost control-and then when the report had to be written about it- he lost control again. he just did not get himself under control like he needs too- we had a good family session last night- he is talking more and more and owning his behaviors- Saturday is family day so I will be going there and then afterwards take Marcus for a few hour pass. so glad today is Friday-its been a long week- not a bad week just a long week

It's a reflection post

this is now- this is where we are- we are in the process of Marcus becoming whole - tranformed- renewed- through God and the gift of therapist and doctors and nurses. It was a struggle to get here- it was not easy-yet I am strengthened by the progress he has made.

My track star a year ago- improved and winning medals- so proud of him and his track- we had a good year behavioral up until October- the summer was good - we both learned a lot through the help of Mr Carini-taking time to work with us

Oh my his first year of track - what did we get ourselves into- well we got ourselves into the most amazing group of coaches, kids, and parents- we got ourselves into a family- this was a tough year as far as behavior-aggression -he was spiraling 2 times this year-

happy picture time- we had fun doing these photos-

2 years as a family-the fun had just begun- behaviors were increasing- meds changing -we got to be on the field with the USF players and we met Leroy Selmon

We found soccer and he loved it and he was just learning and he found he was good at it- yes something for him to focus on

Kindercare in Seffner- tested on target with smarts-kicking the door 37 times- it was time to get help and so the journey began

Before I got him- what happened to you - we may never know- what I do know it changed your life and mine forever

baby Marcus- came into the world under difficult circumstances-

Are you Serious?

These were the words I heard yesterday when I showed up to church with Marcus- We celebrated his birthday this weekend and he was on pass for 24 hours. the question was an excited like I can not believe it-

Yes today my son turns 10- I do not know how his birth went- I do not know how many hours of labor there was- but I do know my life was forever changed when he was born- although I did not know until 4 and half years after his birth that would happen.

We had a good weekend and I lsaw first hand what he has been learning and how the medication he is on is working

So HAPPY 10th BDAY Marcus John- I love you and proud of how you are doing - God is truly working in yor life