So thankful that God heard me

I know my son did not have leukemia and did not die on the cross for me- but he did suffer and now God is healing him- so thankful God heard me

+ parenting- set expectations

Expectations- lets child know what behavior is expected and what the consequence are for meeting or not meeting the expectation

Set Expectation
*pick a time- plan the time- when you are calm-away from behavior-convenient - and adequate length of time

*plan the place- quiet-where you will not be interruppted-neutral

*set a positive tone- more then being cheerful-positive statements-

*be specific- I expect you to .... or I want you to...

*acknowledge the negative response from child briefly- be empathetic- for example- It seems like you are frustrated by this

*do only one time

*explain briefly why it is good to do this behavior

*this motivates child to listen

Consequence
Should be positive- giving not taking away- not a threat
reasonable- controllable-non-punishing to you
appropriate to situation

if expectation is not met the child does not earn the positive consequence
past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior

ask child to restate the behaviors and consequences- have child tell you the plan

praise the fact they were able to restate- even if it was with additude or grudgingly

avoid leacturing-arguing or being sarcastic

use emapthy and understanding but be cool and stay on course
if child protests more then 3 times end the discussion
try again later when all are calm

see if things are improving- give it 2 weeks- it may need to be revisited

+ parenting- Redirect and Reinforcement

When can behavior not be ignored?
when it is harmful to the child, others,property, animals or illegal behavior
when a child does not know a better way of getting attention
when pivoting does not teach the appropriate alternative behavior

You identify behavior that is inappropriate you redirect the behavior to a different positive behavior and then Reinforce the desired behavior when it occurs

Intervene
* stay coole - calm -and collected
* before say anything get close to child
* look at child
* touch child appropriately
* you may need to stay STOP and then specify behavior

Redirect
* make sure the behavior is stopped
* redirect to a + behavior
* say I want you to....
* if child has not started with in 3 sec, use minimal , additional prompts, if necessary

Use Reinforcement
* reinforce the desired behavior-for example - that is the right way to bounce the ball
* use this for social interaction- provide positive consequence within 3 seconds
* say nothing and do nothing about the junk behavior through the process
* stay cool

Positive Parenting- Pivot and Junk Behavior

Why does junk behavior happen
get attention they need, but do not get as often any other way
get you to comfort them
get you to respond or react
make you angry
make you give into them
make you go away
just a habit
its what they do

Pivot
withholding our attention during the occurrence by turning to someone or something else

When do you pivot?
do another activity when you pivot away from the junk behavior
when there are 2 children and one is doing junk behavior - pivot to another child with more desirable behaviors

Steps to using pivot
1. say nothing about the junk behavior
2. do nothing to react to junk behavior
3. actively attend to another child -person- or activity
4. once behaves appropriately , provide reinforcement for appropriate behavior (use praise, etc) within 10 seconds of recognizing the appropriate behavior
5. stay cool

Positive Parenting Tools - Consequences

Consequence- what happens right after the behavior

Types of:
natural consequence- pain from kicking the door
man made- move
immediate - push door bell -hear sound
delayed-bruise on foot after kicking door

Effects-
Increase future behaviors-happen more often and faster
decrease future behaviors-make happen less often - slower
have no effect

Consequence can be either positive or negative-

Identify the behaviors you want to strengthen and deliver the appropriate consequences. Identify the behaviors you want to weaken and deliver, or withhold, the appropriate consequence
Use reinforcement

Examples of Appropriate Behavior
child giving another child time to play with a toy
picking up dirty clothes
making bed
keeping hands to self
using manners-
brushing teeth
doing homework
fastening seatbelt
asking permission to do something
asking for help

Type of Reinforcing Consequences
social interaction
verbal praise
appropriate touch
tangible items
appropriate privileges
breaks from tasks or work

Positive Consequences
smiles
hugs
winks
high fives
wow!
awesome
well done
nice job
excellent
stay up late
extra video time
pick a movie
special snack
trip to library, zoo, etc
bike ride

Steps to Using Reinforcement
1. Tell the child what behavior you liked
2. provide consequence for the behavior that matches the value of the behavior
3. provide the consequences within 3 seconds of recognizing the behavior, if possible
4. use sincere and appropriate facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language
5. avoid reacting to junk behavior
6. avoid coercive and punishments

Remember all children in the course of the day, will do or say something that is worth giving a positive consequence

Series (2) Positive Parenting Tools- Staying Close

I mentioned Stay Close yesterday - so lets go into a little more detail on what this means
-this is the foundation for proactive caregiving

You create a safe, positive environment and establish yourself as a source of caring, empathy, and reinforcement

Stay Close Means:
showing you care
being attentive
listening
"just" talking
matching emotions
being near
touching

Stay Close does not mean:
lecturing
setting the record straight
moralizing
being judgemental
problem solving

Benefits:
you will learn about your child-what they value-likes dislikes
you will have a greater interest in their activities
you will build a foundation for a good relationship
children will care about what you say-your approval and disapproval will be important because you are important to them
children will learn good communication skills
children will listen to your expectations and advice because you are listening to them

When to stay close
routine times during the day- meal times- driving
brief moments between other things
special times you are spending just with them
when you are upset with them or someone else after you calm down
when they are upset with you or someone else
during traumatic event
almost every chance you get to interact with child

The closer you are to children the greater influence you have on them

How to stay close-
get physically close
touch appropriately
match facial expressions
use appropriate tone of voice
use relaxed body language
ask open ended , positive questions
listen while the child speaks
use empathy statements
avoid reacting to junk behavior
stay cool through the whole process

Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability of making things better, don't say it and don't do it- Latham

Tools for Positive Parenting - Series (1)

This information came from a training manual that I was taught- from the Power of Positive Parenting Glen Latham
Behavior can be defined as anything a person does that can be observed and measured.

"Junk" Behavior- (this is where I struggle at times- but working on working with my son)- any age-typical behavior that may be annoying, but not harmful to self, others, property, or animals. Examples- whining- stomping feet, mumbling, rolling eyes

Why does junk behavior happen?- to get us parents to respond or react, make you angry or get even, to give in, to get you to comfort them, make you go away, to get you to do it for them, because it is just what they do at their age.

Positive Attention-is the most powerful consequence available to you.

Proactive Approach-
Show child which behavior they like by reinforcing it- recognize inappropriate behavior as a need to teach appropriate behavior (do it this way)-establish them self as a safe person to be around-maintain self control-have a plan- practice tools for positive change

Reactive Approach-
look what child is doing wrong and try to weaken the behavior-recognize negative behavior as need to teach a child a lesson-establish themselves as unsafe persons to be around- allowing caregiving to control their moods-do not have a plan- do not practice tools for positive behavior

Stop Coercion- 12 kinds
questioning-arguing-sarcasm-force-threats-criticism-despair-logic-telling them on others-taking away privileges-one up-silent treatment

Results of Coercion-
try to avoid coercive behavior-try to get even-try to escape-learn coercive behavior-become afraid they will fail-receive attention for in appropriate behavior

Coercion produces only short term compliance followed by long term problems

Proactive Care giving-
must be tailored for each child
what works for one child does not always work for another
what works for one child today may not work with that same child tomorrow

is a journey not a destination

5 tips about behavior:
Your job;
create the most positive environment possible
change the environment and you will change the behavior
identify the behavior you want to strengthen and deliver the appropriate consequences
identify the behavior you want to weaken and withhold the appropriate consequences
provide positive consequences
be patient and consistent. wait 2 weeks and see record behavior- if it works keep it up if not go back to tools and see what to do differently
remember past experience-best predictor of future behavior

Tools-
Stay Close
Use Reinforcement
Pivot
Redirect- Use Reinforcement
Set Expectations
Use a Contract
Use Time Out
Asses Behavior

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my daddy- thank you for all the love and support you give me- you are the best!

What Makes a Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities
, When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,
He called it ... Dad

There is a song I am not forgotten -Israel Houston

Light over darkness
Strength over weakness
Joy over sadness
He knows my name

Father to the Fatherless
Friend to the friendless
Hope for the hopeless
He knows my name

Always remember if your earthly father is no longer around or you have never have had an earthly father- remember your heavenly father is there for you always-

Its been a week

so Marcus went back on Tuesday and the week seemed to drag on- but oh well tomorrow is Friday- many thoughts running through my head-
like why do people make statements that stereotype people when they really do not know what is going on-drives me nuts- i will not go into detail just know people be careful what you write on facebook or comment on facebook- let me just say Stop- Think before you write anything and then Choose how will this affect me or others that may read it-
ok off my box

so i am working on something that has been long in the process- will be working on it diligently over the weekend as well- i will let you know later what it will be but it should be beneficial to those who work with special needs kids

tomorrow I pick up Marcus and then we have a lock in to go to for Kidzone and church- the kids keep talking about it- they should have a good time

72 Hour review

Well- today Marcus returns to Bradenton- so glad we only have to do this 2 more times-
we had a good weekend- from biking a distance on Saturday- for him helping me Children's church and did everything without complaining- to eating lunch Sunday with some of our favorite peeps - he did well he asked when we were leaving and did well when I said in a little while we are talking- his comments hae been hysterical ( about who was talking the most ) - then Monday we had dentist appointments- all good- and case manager was here for 2 hours getting the low down so we can start back with Baycare when he returns-and then Busch Gardens for a couple hours ( coworker's husband got us passes- awesome) - so today we are just chillin til we return to Bradenton today.

We had a little bit of an issue - which not really-yesterday- he was doing something in which I asked him to stop a couple of times and then said to get rid of it- not necessarily throw it away but put it somewhere where he did not have it- he stormed upstairs and that was it- no yelling no kicking the bed no mom following - so I called him down cause it was time to go- and asked him why he was mad and he was cause I asked him to get rid of the item- I asked him what he did to calm himself down- he said I hummed- great- it that was it- I love it- of course we discussed the reason of me asking him to stop and he knew I was right :)
What a difference it makes when a child wants to change and sees himself as a good person and he brings it home with him-love it

No Labels Allowed

Ok you know when reality sets in and you finally admit it- or you really finally see it- my rambling of a mom-with Marcus being gone for awhile and they were able to get a firm diagnosis and proper treatment- I knew he had issues and such but with a firm diagnosis it was like ok I am not crazy and this is the reality of life- he may be diagnosed with a mental health issue but it does not define him- He is created by God in his image and God does not make any junk- so if you have a disease or a diagnosis do not let that define you-

We often give our kids labels that may have ADHD- PTSD- impulse disorder etc- but seriously are they not made in God's image- God Sees- a loving- happy child- wanting to please - wanting to serve- wanting to be loved -God sees a miracle in the making and do you see God in your child with a special need? You should cause God does and so do I -

Get past the labeling and see God - ask God to show you more then labels ask Him to show you what part of Him is in your child

I do not undersatnd

Ok if you want your child to get better- with mental health issues or any other health issues- should you not be there for them? I am not understanding why parents - biological- adoptive- foster what ever form you are as a parent would not be there to learn what they are working on with your child - out of 60 children 11 families showed today for family day- I do not get it-

Our therapist said that I was a big part of Marcus turning around because he realized (finally) that I was here for him and not going anywhere-he knows that I will not abandon him-

Getting on my soap box-Your child has needs - he is not perfect it is time you as a parent that may need to change too- aye aye aye-because your child may be getting what he/she needs to do and doing it with the tools they have worked on everyday- so its your turn- I know I have had to change too to help him- and you know what it is a work in progress but I am taking those steps-and it may not work right away but it will work if you keep going with it-

you hit your child and then you tell them not to hit- you curse and tell them not to curse- you raise your voice and they raise their voice- seriously what are you teaching ( some of these I saw today after our family session)- a lot of patience and a lot of work comes with the territory of a traumatized child-

so yes Marcus comes from trauma and a lot of his issues come from that we just have to handle him a little differently and he will be successful - I KNOW IT!!! I BELIEVE IT!

WHY

do people hold on to the past?- we can not change it - we learn from it- we grow from it we become better from it.

do people have to lose focus of the reality of life and what they are doing

are we so fixated on changing others when really it is ourselves that need to change

can't we let go even though we have been hurt

do people put others down when we need to be picking each other up

are some people living like there is not a care in the world

can't we all just get along

do people think they can trample on lives and think they got awaay with it when really you will reap what you sow.

do people walk away from God when He is our source of life

just some questions i have been asking lately-

I stand in awe

And I stand, I stand in awe of you
I stand, I stand in awe of you
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of you

Well- I am not really standing in awe- sitting more like it as I watch in amazement the transfromation of my Marcus- I sit and think this is definately not the same boy that left in January- why would I doubt the miraculous change in him- not a matter of doubting just a matter of amazement- sitting with awe- how God would answer the cries of a desperate mom- yes desperate I was cause I was hanging on by a thread-
so I am thankful thankful to a God who hears our cries- thankful for a God with just the touch of His hand can change lives forever. This has truly happened our lives are changed forever.

I noticed yesterday I was a bit cautious with him when we were out for lunch- still a learning curve- I will get it-we talked about expectations and he already knows what type of incentive he gets- it has actually been fun- cause he earns Wii time in the evening and we now have a competition going in who the better one is on the Wii training. so far I was once and he was once- I will change that though :) - yep little competitive and do not believe in throwing a game for a kid to win.

Yes- so

And I stand, I stand in awe of you
I stand, I stand in awe of you
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of you

The countdown begins

last weekend when i was speaking to Pastor Larry he asked if I could believe it that all this time has past with Marcus being gone- i said it went far faster then i anticipated and now we are weeks away from him coming home for good- my how things change in what will be 5 months- he is home a month earlier then anticipated all because of how he has changed- through God, love, Marcus wanting to change, therapy sessions, med changes, and massive amount of prayers being lifted up for him.

so t minus 27 days- i can not wait- he will be home every weekend until he comes home permanently - 6 years ago the first weekend he spent over night with me was the weekend of July 4th- hmm-

I am proud of him- Miss Carmen his therapist said when ciaos is going on and others are acting impulsive Marcus is focusing on what he needs to be doing and not joining in with the the rest- so proud-

continue to working with him at home when he is here-

we have a semi busy weekend- just normal stuff we would be doing- we have a picnic on Sunday after church- he wants to be baptized again.

Unconditional Love

is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions. sometimes that is real hard- real hard- over the last view months this has become so evident to me in how much I love Marcus unconditionally. Regardless of all the junk he has said or done- I love him to pieces. I will never give up on him.
Just like God loves us each unconditionally and never gives up on us- where would be if he did give up on us?