the last weekend in october

I often think back during this last weekend of October- why? for several years in a row we spent this weekend in the crisis unit- and this time of year would always be the spiraling out of control time. you won't understand even if you were walking beside me or been through something similar-because it was my living turmoil- oh Michele you are just exaggerating. you may think but for me nope not really. I think back to realize how far we have come. I think back of the screaming ( him yelling I hate you), the bruises (he gave me), the restraint techniques I had to learn, the many times I sweated as I held on for dear life to the incredible hulk child, the times things were thrown across the room (wooden stools he threw), the times he spent in the TO room at school banging to get out, the times he would punch the windows in the car, the times he would take off running and not stop, the times where he would run out of the house and begin to torment the dog with the doorbell or punch the car. There were many of nights where I would just say what am I to do. not many know but I was scared to be at home with him often staying with friends. October was the trigger month for reasons I do not know - something in his past its called PTSD and it happens in kids.
I often look back to say thank you God for your love and your healing power- this is our 3rd year of no major outbreaks no crisis centers, no yelling, no bruises, no not being scared to stay at home.

instead, we laugh, we goof off, we act all crazy together. we talk, we learn, we grow together.
I learned a lot from marcus- I learned not to give up not to let go- to keep pressing on when there seemed no hope. that every person deserves a chance- oh it cost me a lot during those times, my emotional state, my physical state were all drained. but I am thankful for healing for wholeness and for redemption. I learned from marcus forgiveness is such a powerful weapon against those who have hurt us- he took a stand for himself and overcame so much. so very proud of him.
so I look back on this weekend so I can look forward to so many more exciting events to come.

we went from
 to this

middle school soccer tryouts

well Marcus tried out for his first school team- he made the first cut but unfortunately he did not make the second cut- most who made it were 8th graders.
we got home and he was filling his water bottle, he turned around, his eyes welled up and he bursted in to tears- mom I wanted to make the team- I said I know- I know - gave him a hug- and said now we know how it is - so next year we are prepared- I know he said but I still wanted to make the team

your heart breaks for you children when they hurt or are disappointed- you want to fix it but know you cant-

he still is disappointed but he is with his Coach Gig tonight so that should help mend the hurt a little bit.

He is still a winner in my book

So he did not make the soccer team yet his first 9 weeks grades were excellent 1 B the rest As - so proud of him- so very proud- he is in all advanced classes. I am so so proud- he is awesome

the need for adult conversations

its so early in the morning- well no not really- anyway- have you ever just needed adult conversation- well this weekend I finally realized how much I need it- it began Friday where I was just like ugh- nothing was wrong with Marcus he was fine- just when you are the one with your child 24/7 ( I know school time is there) you need adult conversation- this past weekend I realized it more then ever- and so thankful for each opportunity I had this past weekend to enjoy the conservations I had through the weekend from Saturday Evening through early  Monday Morning- I am truly blessed by the people in my life who realize how much adult conversations are needed. I love my boy but also realize there are times where it is so so important I take to enjoy those adult times as well. I need to do this more.
- the conversations this weekend were a range from football to ministry ideas to ordering dinners to relationships to kids and the list goes on- so blessed by the people in my life that I can call on-

A note to my mom

hey mom - you are missing out on somethings and I just wanted to share with you-
they said when you lose someone it gets easier but you never get over it- so true- it is easier most days but not over the fact you are gone from this planet- oh you are in my heart and some of my actions whew-
some may think I am a wacko doodle for writing you but they will get over it-  I guess cause its get closer to the holidays in which it is not as easy with you being gone- come on lets face it you did it all for us- cooked wherever we were- celebrated like crazy with your decorations- you were all about the holidays- Lori gets that from you :) me I like to be simple you know that well- this year not looking as if to decorate - why the house is still in shambles - working on it though not giving up on this- just wish it was done- anyway mom- so for thanksgiving its dad and Marcus and I - Lori's crew got a trip to NY- so they will be there NYC- they are gonna freeze- dad wants KFC - hmm dad if you are reading this I have an alternate plan- I have dinner covered - for those of you reading know my cooking skills- I can cook I just don't like to but will for this Thanksgiving- I can do it :)

ok so mom what have you been missing - Marcus is on honor roll again this year- he will be trying out for the school soccer team - and Nov 6th he finally will have his braces off- he is an awesome kid and I know you would be proud of him- wish you were here to watch him sing last night- he looks so handsome in his tuxedo-
I am so loving the middle school age- no not really- in all reality its not too horrible just dealing with normal middle school age stuff- I know you would say oh my the stories I could tell on you- let us not go there-

I love u mom and miss u- always in my heart always on my mind-

Single Parenting is Not for the Faint at Heart

I know I chose to be a single parent- I chose to adopt- I know this. However there are some days where its not just the parenting to come in to play- you are the only person, only adult to handle the following (it may be different for some)- please be advise I love my life but there are days where I am like ugh:
Remember its me and the son at home no other adults- no one to vent to no one to come home to and say its your turn. I am being transparent- and I love my friends - don't get me wrong- I love them dearly but sit in my shoes for a day-mind you there are other things around me going on right now, you will see my list and for those of you with more then one child you all are awesome.

I think a lot of what's going on right now has a lot to do with my HOUSE being TURNED upside down- due to a FLOOD back in July-
you see I have half of my kitchen and living room in my bedroom and Marcus' bedroom (his is pretty good -with most of it in my room)- concrete floor, open walls, exposed plumbing, the cat getting stuck by the washer- all my stuff packed up in boxes from the kitchen- cooking from the microwave ( yes I miss the stove cooking and oven- I know how to cook some things) - the dog needing to eat in my room- the cat eats in my bathroom- I know way more information then you all need to know but this is where I am right now- today this very moment. I want my house back in order- I know its a process and so thankful for friends telling me that - I may have gone off the deep end earlier if I did not know that. my dog loves the concrete me- its ok but would like flooring back in the house- what am I waiting on insurance- they did not get it correct the first time- its ok - but really want it all back together. Now I am in the process of picking out things for the house to get it back in order- this should be easy right- no not really- I mean I am excited about getting new things- but then my house will be more turmoil when the rest of the cabinets get ripped out- I know - get over it Michele- well is your house turned upside down- no- I am thankful I can still live in the house- I am thankful I was gone for a week when it happened. but enough is enough. I am ready for my house to be put back together again.

then of course dealing with paying the bills, making sure Marcus is doing what he needs to do- he is in a phase I do not like right now- hopefully I eliminated that my blocking his computer (we had a great talk this evening) - I know this phase will pass- I know it will but some days I would just like to not handle it and pawn it off on someone else- I love the boy to bits I really really do- as a single parent I don't have the luxury of discussing things with my spouse and having them handle it every once in a while. I am the one having to help him with his HW- (when did 7th grade HW get so hard by the way?) he is good about doing it and all but whew sometimes I have no idea. I am the one disciplining, coming up with consequences, discussing anything else that may come up- again most of the time I am good- and trust me what I am dealing with now is nothing compared to what it was before - I can handle aggression :) its the stupid silly stuff whew. He is a good kid - I am blessed but there are days where whew another person to help would be great

then of course grocery shopping - last minute school stuff to get (I get it goes with the territory) it falls on me - I can't say let your father take you while I finish cooking dinner- its more like ugh when dinner is over we will have to go get it.

then there is work and ministries I am involved with - I enjoy both very much but there are times all of it takes its toll on you- from work, to the house (which I think this is the greatest source right now), to ministry, to dealing with Marcus and middle school junk. calgon take me away away away

I know it will get better and I know this too shall pass- but there are sometime where it all gets so overwhelming- and I just have to sit and pray (sometimes that does not help either) I know we will overcome- we have many times- this is just a brief  brief glimpse at my life-

Mental Health Awareness Week -

Mental Health Awareness is so dear to my heart and I am passionate about people getting the help they need. Why- one word- MARCUS!
He suffered from PTSD, ADHD, RAD and mood disorders- I used the past tense suffered- did you see that- I am not saying we have bouts of re occurrence - we do occasionally but not like before

Getting help is so essential to live a full and productive life- he is only 12 but his life has changed so much since we finally got the help he so needed- was it a fun process no- but we went through it and God was in all of it. When I did not know how I would get through God gave me the strength.

Dealing with a child with mental health issues is very draining on a person - on your mental health and yes I had to go get help as well- it was needed to keep my sanity through dealing with all of the things he was dealing with but I tell you we are overcomers- and God brought us to the other side- He is amazing



So be aware of mental health issues - get the help you need- get the help your family member or friend may need and you will overcome