Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Do you ever question yourself

Do you ever question things in life- I have postponed this post for quite a while debating whether to right it or not- well you see I decided to write it- sometimes we question things we do in life - for me that has been lately-
let me explain-
I made the choice to adopt a child who needed a home - I chose to adopt a child whose biological mom was unable to take care of because of her choices in life- no known means of the biological father- so we have a mom who did not follow court orders to get herself together and lost her biological child. why would anyone want to lose their child? I don't know I can not answer that question in life? His biological mom will have to question that herself?
Have I given my son a home of love and care and support - more then anyone could ever know- I did not give up on him when things got ugly- and more then anyone could know of the ugly but us. would others stick around and work through all the ugly- no - I have been told they would have given up- so my question is would they have given up on their biological children? I don't know see I am questioning. You see as an adoptive mom we go through -questioning if we are doing what is right for our children- or child in my case - I am a single mom by choice- I chose to adopt a child who needed a home- someone to love and care for- I think I am questioning more now about if I am not meeting his needs and being that single mom- i rumble over it my head over and over- does he need a dad? I don't know that answer- he prays for one everyday- he such a good boy- or good young man- I am so proud of how he is turning out-
there are questions about being a young man i can not answer - simple cause I am not a young man :) he does ask questions and I answer them to the best of my ability- we have open conversations- is that enough again I question.
he is maturing and growing and making choices - he is becoming more responsible and so caring- I love it- if I have had a long day at work he makes sure I am ok- so my question is to myself- am I doing things right with him is there anything else I need to do- I can not provide for everything he wants but can provide for what he needs.

2 comments:

Deanna Shrodes said...

I don't know everything, certainly, but I would like to give input to some of this since you have put it out there.

You say: "Why would anyone want to lose their child? I don't know I can not answer that question in life? His biological mom will have to question that herself?:

I agree with you, and...I don't believe in my heart most women WANT to lose their child, but there are circumstances where they don't know a way out or haven't been shown a way out. Yes, they mess up terribly in some cases. In others they are not given practical help to move in the right direction. Every circumstance is different. In his mother's case, I don't know. And she will have to answer, you are right.

You say: "Have I given my son a home of love and care and support?"

Yes! I can answer this for you definitively. Yes!!!

You say: "You see as an adoptive mom we go through -questioning if we are doing what is right for our children- or child in my case - I am a single mom by choice- I chose to adopt a child who needed a home- someone to love and care for- I think I am questioning more now about if I am not meeting his needs and being that single mom- i rumble over it my head over and over- does he need a dad? I don't know that answer- he prays for one everyday- he such a good boy- or good young man- I am so proud of how he is turning out..."

My perspective on this:
I think it's amazing that you adopted him. There are half a million children in the USA alone in the foster care system, awaiting homes. These children desperately need care. He was among them. (The issue I have with adoption are those coercing/encouraging pregnant girls to relinquish their infants, simply because infertile couples want infants. Rather than resource/help the pregnant girl, they encourage the adoption. I'm all for moms having every chance to stay with their babies. If they want to, they should be able to.)

I am 100% in support of people adopting children in the manner than you have gone about it. This is where the true need is.

You adopted Marcus and gave him the home he never had. No, he does not have a Dad at the present time, however what is the alternative? Sitting in the broken down foster care system which is much, much worse than not having a father. No, that is NOT better. It is a great blessing that you two have been joined together as a family.

Reality - I know it bothers him that he doesn't have a Dad.

Reality - if he was still in foster care he would not have a Dad OR a Mom!!

Reality - it's awesome that you can communicate and talk about this. You are a strong woman who can handle it if he says, "it hurts that I don't have a Dad." You can say, "I know babe, it hurts me too. I pray that for you." Just giving him a safe place to share the feelings is HUGE.

There are questions you can't answer but you can be there to listen, as you have always been.

You say: "He does ask questions and I answer them to the best of my ability- we have open conversations- is that enough again I question."

Just kept he communication open and maybe sometimes even approach the subject when he doesn't, to let him know you are really open. One of the hardest things for adoptees is secrets or the "not knowing". If you can just keep the communication open with nothing off limits, that is so healthy. Often parents fear how an adoptee will react to hear certain truths about their background. The thing is, when we know nothing, our minds run wild and we come up with scenarios that are even worse than truth. He is stronger than you may think he is...

I appreciate your openness and honesty. That only brings him closer to you, never further away.


You say: "He is maturing and growing and making choices - he is becoming more responsible and so caring- I love it- if I have had a long day at work he makes sure I am ok"

You're right. He is amazing and you've done a fantastic job raising him.

Deanna Shrodes said...

My comment was too long so it had to be broken in two:

Part 2

You say: "So my question is to myself- am I doing things right with him is there anything else I need to do- I can not provide for everything he wants but can provide for what he needs."

What he needs will change over time. Be open to whatever he may ask, or not ask for. Sense what he may be wondering about - read between the lines when he talks.

Thanks so much for being open to even ask these things as an adoptive mom. Many AP's never even ask such questions and you are brave to do so.

Love you