gretings from Austinw

ok well i am a little behind in my post. i am in austin have been since wednesday for a meeting. marcus stayed back in florida. he is being taken care of along with isaasc by the tobias family. love love love those people.awesome to have them in my life.so i leave to come home today and will arrive late tonight. was able to catch up a little with lisa and jeff while i was here and their crew .

been a good time but so looking forward to being home. will post pictures when i get home

Im leaving on a jet plane

and I will be back on Saturday- going to Austin for work and will actually be able to meet up with my cousins who live there - Marcus will be holding down the fort til I get back- oh no worries the Tobias family will be taking care of him- its been quite I while where I left on a trip with out him- and being so far away- he will be fine and this will be a much needed break from each other since we have been through a bit over the last couple of months- he gets rid of mom for a few days and hangs with Uncle Adam- some guy bonding time.

ok here it is on the line

having a difficult time right now- I know what is knew- no this has nothing to do with mom and just going to be honest- a year ago this week coming marcus and my life forever changed- and yet i have this uneasy feeling -why because every year at this time we have spent time in the recovery unit for the past 3 years. so hoping we do not go there-

I am praying through it and God has giving me some peace-just taking each day at a time- and plus beginning Wednesday - marcus will get a break from his mom- for a few days- we probably both need it considering we have only been a part briefly since he has been home-

it will be good for both of us and he is in good hands-

just want the uneasy feeling to go away-praying it through- and come Saturday when we make it through I will breathe so much easier :)

life in general

well- if i said life was all peaches and cream that would be a boldface lie- but things get better each day-and even sometimes during the day has its moments-

i hold on to precious memories right now-and i do write them down when I remember them- and yes smile when i remember them-

marcus has had some difficulty over the last few days- that boy has dealt with so much and still does- he deals with his past and now he has to deal with missing his grannie, he wants to make sure that his papaw is ok, he misses his uncle dave and now he is scared for me to leave to go to austin. well hopefully with me putting skype on my phone we can remedy a few of his concerns.

you know it has been a struggle in which I do not like but there is a light at the end of once again a long tunnel- i read an article about 2 sisters who lost their father unexpectedly and then a couple months later they both lost their husbands from an accident on a river. they asked God why- and i have too - not really got an answer and maybe the why is not so important but knowing God is with us every step of the way during this process- i will be honest turning and relying on God through this was not a source of comfort- why cause i prayed for a miracle- for mom to be healed physically-and she was not - well so I thought- honestly she was healed- no more pain no more suffering - i do not know really how long my mom was sick- it could been for a very long time- only mom really knew. so looking back God did do a miracle- Marcus and I was able to pray with her on many occasions because she was not going anywhere in the hospital and Pastor Gray and Pastor Randy came and prayed for her as well and I truly believe she heard it all -and responded to it all- Marcus was able to spend some alone time with mom and able to sing to her which she loved listening to him and I truly believe she heard every bit of it.

I believe God answered our prayers when we heard that we need to make a decision in 24 hours of what the next step was when she was going down hill quick. we ended up not having to make any difficult decision- I was blessed to be there holding her hand when she did pass away- me and mom -

i miss her - miss talking with her- miss bragging about Marcus with her- miss seeing her at the house- miss calling her and just checking in and yet I know she is not in pain anymore- miss her voice and sometimes i get nervous about not knowing what she sounds like- ( i do have a video thank to my aunt)

I have some amazing pictures of her that i can talk to her face or yell at her if i need to- or just smile-

i know i am just rambling but it helps at times and today at this moment i needed to write

getting things together

well next week i am off on a trip for work- nothing like figuring it out all the things i need to do before i leave- making sure marcus has all he needs- information for adam and brenda- contact numbers medical relaease-therapist numbers and the list goes on-
hmm- maybe I can get some sleep when i go away
we shall see- i am excited cause i will see more family- i have cousins that live where i am going- God sure is good to provide a trip for my work and being able to see family- hmm wonder if we have any meetings in wyoming , ohio or pennsylvania soon?
i get to go to the university of texas when i am there so that will be fun-our hotel is right on the river -hopeful to have a view :)

no worries though i will take pictures-

What a day of rejoicing it will be

Ok- I have known this was going to happen since Friday and wanted to post it but I wanted to wait til I have pictures to share-

This is the day of rejoicing- we have come so far so very far- and I am so proud- so instead of tears of sadness and sorrow we had tears of joy falling from my eyes-

Ready-

Marcus was Student of the Month or 9 weeks- and we had Turtle of Honor Celebration today

I am so very proud of him

I heard a song

I heard a song this morning- and it was a gentle reminder to me-I was praying and telling God I feel alone through all this- I know I am not but know one know what I am feeling but me- well there is one - and I need to Call His Name more

By Third Day

"Call My Name"

It's been so long since you felt like you were loved
So what went wrong
But do you know there's a place where you belong
Here in my arms

When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
And it seems like no one in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call my name and I'll be there
You just call my name and I'll be there

The pain inside has erased your hope for love
But soon you will find
That I'll give you all that your heart could ever want
And so much more

You just call my name
You just call my name

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

Call my name, say it now
I want you to never doubt
The love I have for you is so alive

You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name now

The love I have for you is so alive
The love I have for you is so alive
You just call my name
You just call my name
You just call my name

Sharing good things

ok well some good things - I will just share one today-so I got some wise counsel from an awesome person in my life- whom I highly respect and appreciate. to help this whole process of grieving - which can I just say stinks

anyway

So he told me to instead of thinking of things mom will not be around for - think of things that we did together and journal it- well I started its separate little journal of just things mom and I did or did as a family- and yes it is therapeutic- it does actually bring more smiles then tears- however the tears still come.

so Pastor Larry thank u for words of wisdom- they have helped-

the hurt is still there but working through it all- day to day , moment to moment-

Aww yes the never ending saga

ok well yesterday was quite interesting as I am beginning not to like Mondays- can we start the week on Tuesdays- I would think that would work better for me.

Anyway 911 had to be called - no need to panic Marcus was in a violent rage in the morning and I pulled over to see if he would calm down he did not so I got help-this for me is huge cause normally I would work it out - be exhausted - and not know which end was up-well- I still was emotionally drained (story of my life lately- but improving) and he was able to get himself in order so he could go to school and have an excellent day.

So we are making strides- he has come a long way and I as well-

Still working through it everyday- but we will get stronger and gain much knowledge through it all-

Days for me tend to run together however my days are better still emotional at some point in the day but working it all through. this is a journey of which I never had thought to be on at this point in my life. Even through life's tragedy's good things do come out of it- in my next few posts I will begin to share with you.

A lovely Sunday

Children's Church was good- missing my young man but he came afterwards
Then we came home and watched football all afternoon- just huddled on the couch under a blanket- talked watched football- I did some research on the computer- made dinner together- talked with Papaw and Uncle Dave-

Then we talked some more - I am wondering how old Marcus really is- we had an amazing conversation about God' s plan for his life and how God will help us through-the time we are going through and how we will be stronger from it all- and in his words we will be ok soon mommy.

He is amazing- Thank you God for gifting me

Sharing

so this week for me has been a bit bumpy- a little hard to stay focused at times and working on that part-so i have come to realize somethings will be changing for us as a family- when you lose someone some things do not not matter anymore-and some other things you need to look at a little closer
somethings are just frivolous stuff what other things matter so much more.
time with family and friends are one of those things that matter so much more to me- however i am slacking in that area right now and I am just working through things- i know I am not making sense and I know I should share with others more- Pastor Larry spoke more on this Wednesday night- I know I am not alone in what I am feeling but I am alone in how I am personally going through- I know all the realms of grief- gone through them several times over and over

I miss my family that live in other states more today then yesterday- hopeful to remedy that over the year-

Marcus is doing fairly well often asking if i am ok- and i am just working through- its a moment to moment process- laugh cry- laugh- angry- laugh cry repeat
Marcus I am thankful for- he often asks mommmy can I am give you a hug - he does and makes sure I am ok-He wants to pray for everyone in the family every morning and every night- and that we are all doing ok

We will be ok - we will get through -day by day- moment by moment - minute by minute-

writing helps-

this is my awesome child- we have been through a lot since January and I would so like to get off the ride of roller coaster of emotions- but in due time -

I just want to brag on him a little bit - we have had great days at school - 100s every day since the start of school. He has been getting As and Bs on his work. He is reading on a 6th grade level. He loves to read and loves his math. God has truly blessed me with this amazing young man.

We have come so far and have so much farther to go

2 of the favorite men in my life

here is a picture of 2 of my favorite men in my life- my dad and my Uncle Dave ( love them both so much)

We had mom's celebration of life this past weekend and all of her siblings were able to come- and my dad's brother was there as well

You see my dad's side and my mom's side of the family go way back- my mom went to school with my dad's brother- anyway

so it was a much needed time for me- i think for all- at this point in the road i feel like a little kid lost and not knowing what end is up- for me that is frustrating cause I do not like it

I know we will get though it it will just take time

I am processing the whole weekend and I did not realize how much mom meant to one of the families there- I mean i know they did things for one another but this was so much more then i thought

so thankful for my family - love them all