before March 1st and all through the house- not a creature was stirring except the dog was barking and the cat was purring. its all good- what is significant about March 1st- its my Bday yep yep it is- and you know what this is going to be a good year- oh you ask how old- some of you know- well I am proud to say I will be 40- it is just a number and it is all a mind set- I feel good-
so i am kinda saddened by one fact- track season for Marcus would have started tomorrow for him- but he is where he needs to be and he is getting the help he so needs- there are so many more years of track seasons- so one season missed will be worth it in the end.
so my workout tonight was good I ran 7.5% of my walk run- slowly but surely I will get there- i am so not a runner and this is a task I am bound to do- tomorrow is bike ride day and soon I will throw in swimming- pool was to cold- not sure how far I will ride tomorrow we shall see-
I also did some strength training.-
looking forward to the weekend- going away with life coachers- we will be back Saturday though
wait til i share something bizarre that happened yesterday to me - tune in tomorrow for that story-
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Happy Saturday
I took this picture this morning as I did my bike ride- well ok I stopped biking for a moment to take this picture- isn't it beautiful?it was awesome to go and see the birds waking up and the cows waking up- God has surely blessed me with the area I live in- a little of city life with a little bit of what I was use to growing up- gotta be thankful.
so some may ask how I am doing - let me begin by saying I am so glad I have people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear- we all need that and when you have those people it helps you so much- seriously it does- they love you and want what is best for you you and sometimes you just need someone to say things to you to realize things about yourself-
so are you itching to know what i found out about myself- and i am sure many of you saw it in me but you know we have to learn the hard way sometimes-let me tell you ... first i feel so good physically- it has been a very long time that i have felt this good- oh the workouts are tiring but i have more energy and my focus is so much better- working out has allowed me to refresh and restart . i have a long way to go before i get to where i want to be- now i am not talking about being a size 6 or anything- for me that is probably impossible- just physically healthy is important. taking care of me is important
ok so what did i learn that others have been trying so gently to tell me and me not listening very well. :) for essentially for 5 years i lost myself - yep where did i go ? i wrapped all of me into helping my son- or trying to help him and forgot to take care of me- what was i thinking- not sure- so i am re finding me - no nothing wacko just realizing that i am just as important as he is when it comes to being healthy in all aspects. so as i was going to church Wednesday - God and i just chatted- He was like Michele you have been in a battlefield and you have been wounded- all those who are wounded need time to heal and be made whole again- it is time for you to heal emotionally and physically from the battlefield you have been through- time for you to become stronger time for you time for you- so i am working on me-
so i m trusting those who i hold close will keep me in check and accountable- i know they will because they want to see the best in me-so time for me- it is a process- no quick fix but a diligent effort on my part
Friday, February 25, 2011
wow
Wow I did not realize I had not written all week- ok so let me see what to write- saw Marcus tuesday - he had a good day- he was having a decent week -i did however get a phone call last night- he acted out in aggression- so we shall see what today holds-
as for me not feeling 100%- i hope i am not getting the bug that is going around- yesterday I came home from work and fell asleep- we have had a few people out sick this week so I have been multitasking - maybe it has caught up with me.
Monday I ran about a half a mile I know does not sound like much but for me it is an accomplishment- i planned on running yesterday but nope - hopefully today after work if i feel ok- Wednesday I biked 6 miles-
this week for me has just been eye opening and has wore me out-
let me just say I am working on me for now-getting back to doing things for me and working on making sure I am healthy- I will blog more about what I discovered about me later but right now just the ramblings of me-
as for me not feeling 100%- i hope i am not getting the bug that is going around- yesterday I came home from work and fell asleep- we have had a few people out sick this week so I have been multitasking - maybe it has caught up with me.
Monday I ran about a half a mile I know does not sound like much but for me it is an accomplishment- i planned on running yesterday but nope - hopefully today after work if i feel ok- Wednesday I biked 6 miles-
this week for me has just been eye opening and has wore me out-
let me just say I am working on me for now-getting back to doing things for me and working on making sure I am healthy- I will blog more about what I discovered about me later but right now just the ramblings of me-
Monday, February 21, 2011
Expectation
expectation (plural expectations)
1.The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2.That which is expected or looked for.
This word got me in to trouble this past weekend- I placed my expectations on others and should never have done that- which caught me in an emotional mess. do not worry- I got a different perspective on the whole thing. Received some wise counseling which I am thankful for- made me think a lot- in which caused me to stay up way later then I wanted to but it will be fine- it allowed me to get my emotions rechecked and allowed me to view things a little differently.
this is a process for me-a work in process-
1.The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2.That which is expected or looked for.
This word got me in to trouble this past weekend- I placed my expectations on others and should never have done that- which caught me in an emotional mess. do not worry- I got a different perspective on the whole thing. Received some wise counseling which I am thankful for- made me think a lot- in which caused me to stay up way later then I wanted to but it will be fine- it allowed me to get my emotions rechecked and allowed me to view things a little differently.
this is a process for me-a work in process-
Sunday, February 20, 2011
PTSD in parents with children with PTSD
This article was written for parents with children with RAD --however-this is so similar to parents who have children with PTSD- so read it and get an understanding of what life has been for me until recently
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
Avoidance -- refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
Intense distress -- when certain cues or "triggers" set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
Nightmares and flashbacks -- insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
A loss of interest in your life -- detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
Visit with M
Yesterday was a busy one - got caught up on cleaning at the house- then traveled to Bradenton to visit with Marcus for an hour- we had a good visit- some minor issues while I was there as I needed to explain to him why I ask him so many questions about his days-
I brought his sunglasses in which he was thrilled and his gators sweatshirt - as you can see he put them both on- his tennis shoes made it over the fence as they flung off while they were playing kickball the other day- hopefully they will get it today-
Tuesday will be another day I will see him for therapy - I try to make it twice a week-
some may not understand why I travel twice a week to see him- here it is for you
1. He is my son and I love him to pieces despite all we have been through
2. He needs to know I love him and I will be coming to see him as well as him coming home one day
3. Think about it your son or daughter is sick in the hospital far away where would you be?
Marcus has received some cards a letters - he said 16 I believe- thank you Aunt Bekah, Mom and Dad, Aunt Lori and kids, Aunt Dee I know he appreciates them he gets a big smile on his face when he tells me he receives mail from those who love him.
Thank you to those who have tried to call- keep trying he loves to hear from you. This allows him to know that he is not forgotten and loved.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Good morning Saturday
Well - just like clock work I woke up at 5 on a Saturday- oh well I am a morning person - so I got up reorganized my dresser and closet- the laundry is going- the dishes will be done - floors vacuumed - mopped- dog walked - exercise will fit in there too- and some point today I will travel to Bradenton to see Marcus- busy day but it is - good I have the praise and worship cranked up and moving right along well except to type this-
Yesterday was good - my floor supervisor and I laughed like crazy- I will not go into detail here but we are going insane - hahaha- good times- so got my nails done after work- came home - walked the dog- called Marcus-he had a good day- even got 2 A's on his math test- his behavior was good and met his goal of no aggression for Friday- he was bubbling on the phone when I talked with him- I said you sound like you are in a good mood- I am- I told him how proud I was of him and he bubbled even more- He said Mommy - I love you very much- then I took off for a bike ride was not sure how far I was going to ride- it was a beautful night- well I ended up riding to the beginning of Meadowpointe and back which is about 6 miles or so- beautiful night-
Oh and for those sending cards and letters he has received them so thank you for sending love through the mail- he loves getting it-
Yesterday was good - my floor supervisor and I laughed like crazy- I will not go into detail here but we are going insane - hahaha- good times- so got my nails done after work- came home - walked the dog- called Marcus-he had a good day- even got 2 A's on his math test- his behavior was good and met his goal of no aggression for Friday- he was bubbling on the phone when I talked with him- I said you sound like you are in a good mood- I am- I told him how proud I was of him and he bubbled even more- He said Mommy - I love you very much- then I took off for a bike ride was not sure how far I was going to ride- it was a beautful night- well I ended up riding to the beginning of Meadowpointe and back which is about 6 miles or so- beautiful night-
Oh and for those sending cards and letters he has received them so thank you for sending love through the mail- he loves getting it-
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