Out of the mouth of a child

We were talking in the car and out of the blue our conversation took this turn:

Marcus: I want a dad

Me: Great I would love for you to have a dad-

Marcus: Really?

Me: Yes I really would- Why do you want a dad?

Marcus: So you are not alone and have someone to help you with me- cause it is not fair that you handle me by yourself.

Me: I would love that

Marcus: Me too

Sometimes you never know what he will say next - he had the sweetest tone in his voice through this conversation- Like he knew he can be a handful when he gets in his aggressive modes and just wants me to have help- gotta love it- or maybe it is the new meds talking- lol- either way gotta love it

6000

6000 children in the state of Florida need forever homes - it is National Adoption Month- I almost forgot but was pleasantly reminded this morning as the news brought a story of National Adoption Day-
National Adoption Day- was this week- 5 years ago National Adoption Day was November 18th
(he was in foster care for 4 and half years before he got his forever family)


Are you doing your part? Educate yourself- on how many children are in foster care in your county- you would be surprised how many of them need forever homes-

I know this incredible family in Tn that have adopted children (I believe 8 - Jill- Andy- correct me if I am wrong)- amazing amazing family- you should hear there story.

We all know there are thousands of children overseas that need loving homes but there are thousands of children in these United States that need loving homes.

He's like a light switch and you never know when he will flip

yes I know what a strange title- but several of the nurses told me that when Marcus was getting the help he needed- I have taken a look back in the last 13 days of what transpired- and give you a little of my perspective and things I should have changed-

What happened:

1. I probably should have rested so much more- for those of you who told me I know I know-but I am a momma and missed my youngen- let me explain- you see normally when a child goes into the hospital- you able to spend time with them more- when they are in a crisis unit you get 1 hour a day that is it and if your child wants you there great if not not so hot. I am learning with each time this happens- rest is important-and the last several days he was there I did rest more- another problem this was - the fact you never knew when he was coming home and I had to make the phone calls to check in and see where we were at for the day. I was able to usually relax a little more once I knew for the day if he was staying or not. so yes rest more will be worked on

2. Average stay is normally 2-3 days. Marcus was there 13-why? God knows why- I believe it was for the following reasons:

1. able to minister and help parents who had never been in the situation and remind them they were not alone - yes I used my words that I was often reminded of during the process.

2. let the parents know that they need to be the child's advocate but also speak the truth of what is going on with their behaviors-

3. the last few days - I saw my son speaking up and letting the others know (even the older ones) that he needs to listen to what his mom says and he was stepping up and saying he was not allowed to watch certain shows on tv-

4. I was able to speak briefly into some teens life

5. Drs were able to evaluate Marcus more thoroughly and see what I go through- only certain people have seen a glimpse- and possible have a better diagnosis

3. I learned I need to get out more with my girlfriends- so need that more in my life-the time was priceless and so needed- laughing and staying out late -it did not get much better

4. people have no idea what its like to go through something like this - my best advice to those if you who may have someone going through this - is simply be there - be there to hold there hand- to offer a hug- to just sit and cry with them if they need it- they will get through it and be stronger for it- just allow them to ramble - allow them to yell at you- do not take it personal it has nothing to do with you its just a way for them to work through it- allow them to laugh cry and laugh and cry some more. if you ask them what they need and they tell you- follow through with it. ASK them how they can help- some of us our stubborn- they may not know themselves what they need but they will just be prepared.

5. Sometimes we do not want to talk about it either- we will eventually though-when we are ready- do not pry it out of us. and sometimes you may ask us questions of what the next step is and we may not know at that time- so we will deliver news as we know it and when we want to share- be patient with us- I know it is frustrating-well it is frustrating to not know what is going on with your son and what the outcome will be either.

6. Parents who have children who are aggressive - get tired- they need their batteries recharged- offer to help even if for a couple of hours-a week or month- sometimes we do not know when they will flip the light switch and sometimes it take all are energy to work with them.

7. I have learned I need to adjust how I do things as a parent to enable Marcus to function better-its always something to learn- if I have adjusted something with him- and you watch him for me- please help by doing and following through- consistency is so key to helping him through

8. and as always- I have the best support people in our life- family- (I say just family cause this encompasses normal family, extended family, church family. track family, and school family) you all are so vital in our life and how successful Marcus will become- I love you all bunches

I saw...

the sparkle in his eyes- and the awesome smile he has- for the first time in 11 days- my heart rejoiced tonight when I saw this in Marcus-

this stinks

the visits I have with M- especially tonight- stunk- anything I said to try and encourage him or talk was all wrong- he is mad he is still there and wants to come home- he can once he makes the right choice- I asked him how I can help - he said no one can help him- no drs no nurse no one- but uncle adam-

well....

this past week or so my emotions have gone all over the place- and really I am the only one who really knows- so let me share it with so you get a better understanding
the first couple of days it went from having part of my heart ripped out and feeling a lone- the house was empty
then that feeling went to being defeated (a few days he did not want to see me) - this was the same time where I kept questioning what else do I need to do or could have done- how much better of a parent could I have been and how can I become better- to feeling like a failure-
oh I have friends telling me otherwise but you know sometimes you hear the words until you keep pressing in and praying - for God to help you through-
so I had a mini breakthrough ( which was good) for me- when I spoke to the nurse yesterday and she said he flips ike a light switch and you never know when it is going to happen- I went yes finally someone gets it someone sees it-and it is not just me-
you see- he is broke (for lack of better words) and no matter how hard I try to fix him- I can't - I can not fix my son from the past from the present and from the future- how he chooses to control himself is so up to him. How he is made up was not my choice and that I can not change it

What can I do- I can trust God with wisdom on how to handle him- trust God with the resources he has allowed us to have. Keep asking -for friends just to give me a hug and let me know they are there- oh they may not know what to say or do- but knowing I can count on a hug is powerful. I can ask my friends to help me laugh -it does wonders- I can ask friends to help me stay grounded and have their perspective- some may not get it but another view is sometimes good.
I do ask my friends not to tell me they know how I feel- because again they truly do not- and my close friends they do not cause they get it. Even if you been in my similar shoes you still do not know how I feel and you will never cause my situation may be similar to yours but not the exact same-

You know we go through things in life for reasons- I still believe I am going through all for reasons far beyond my understanding- for I know I am not alone and I know someone else is going through something similar as I am (not exactly) but similar-

I am not alone- I have friends family school staff (awesome as always) who are there lending a hand trying their best to let me know I am not alone
I know these are ramblings of a crazy woman :) lol

Its been a long week

Well- the week has been long- been going through some difficulties but will make it through-
I have been through all types of emotions- what do I feel right now as I type- that I am glad Marcus is getting the help he needs- and where he is at- I am glad they are seeing what is going on-
How am I doing? well- I am still ok- to tell you all is great would just not be truth-
the best thing anyone can do for me through this is to just give me a hug and let me know you are there- that is it- I will tell you how I feel when I am ready-
No one truly knows what I am going through- except for God- cause honestly at times I do not know-
I do know this - I pray and ask God to give me wisdom- I ask God to strengthen me for difficult decisions if they should come-

I often question what more could I have done- and many of those that know us well have said you have done more then any of us- or you have done above and beyond- thank you for those words-

So its a day to day process- one day at a time - that is how I take things lately- do I feel like doing a whole lot - no not really- especially at the house- but tonight after my visit I must get the house in order.
thanks for your love and support